It's so simple, babies will swoon. "Boyfriend," the first single from Justin Bieber's upcoming third full-length, Believe (a silly made up word derived from the real word "Belieber"), opens with an eerie birdcall and stark 808 clap. Then Bieber's increasingly present rapping alter-ego, Swaggy Doo (not his actual moniker, but it should be), competently says nothing and mentions eating fondue by the fire. The whatever-ness of these eight bars only makes the resulting hook that much grabbier. Saying hello to falsetto is a joy – a magically mature Bieber sounds as assured as Justin Timberlake or Robin Thicke as he floats over pairs of brusque acoustic-guitar chords in a plea that manages to be anthemic and low-key.

It's been some time since we were bombarded by a perfect pop song, and even longer since we've been bombarded by a perfect pop song from a young Canadian pop idol, but 26-year-old Carly Rae Jepsen has fulfilled both world shortages with a single, maddeningly addicting song: "Call Me Maybe."

Canadian pop gremlin Justin Bieber turned 18 today, much to the delight of thousands of creepy older women who made jokes about having sex with him on Twitter. Now is a good time to take a definitive look back at the 18 years that made Justin Bieber a star.

It doesn't matter whether sonorous squirrel Justin Bieber is good at rapping. It doesn't matter if, as rumored, his supposed freestyles are actually ghost-written and pre-rehearsed. If Justin Bieber wants to rap, he will rap, and the world will listen.

Singing dust speck Justin Bieber was pulled over for the third time this year in Los Angeles, and let off with a warning for the third time this year. Even cops are beliebers, apparently.

Musical haircut Justin Bieber has a new Christmas song, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," and the video is inexplicably steampunk-themed. Sorry, steampunks: time to get a new quirky aesthetic pastime before it blows up among 14-year-old Beliebers.

Last Wednesday night, about 50 girls huddled in front of Madison Square Garden, warmed only by North Face jackets and their burning love for Justin Bieber. They were Beliebers, and for the next couple hours I planned to tag along as they rampaged through New York. Here are the crazy results.

Tonight, NBC aired its annual Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting special. It was boring! Well, except for the part where Justin Bieber debuted the music video for his duet with Mariah Carey of "All I Want for Christmas Is You (Superfestive!)." Because what the hell?

Pippa Middleton steps out with two, yes two, boys at once. J.Lo had a lovely holiday with her new hunk. Jennifer Aniston and her beau nearly ran into Brad Pitt. Justin Bieber's fake babymomma's ex boyfriend is causing drama. Monday's gossip needs relationship advice.

Justin Bieber stopped by the Late Show this evening for a chat with David Letterman. At one point, Bieber noted that he'd been to "every continent." But after being challenged by Letterman to actually name each of them, Bieber was less than successful. See that, plus Letterman telling Bieber that a photo of him looks like Marie Osmond, in the above video.

Justin Bieber and President Obama descend simultaneously on Manhattan tonight, for the second time in six moths. Coincidence… or conspiracy? Seriously: Has anyone ever seen Justin Bieber and Obama in the same room together?

Justin Bieber admits he took a DNA test to see if that baby is actually his. Angelina Jolie is into some kinky stuff. Britney Spears has a hard, hard life. Howard Stern thinks he and America both have talent. Wednesday's gossip is on the 4:07 to New Haven.

Text-messaging: It's so convenient! But also so inappropriate in certain social situations—like when proposing marriage, proposing divorce, proposing litigation...hm, am I missing one? Oh yes, this one: When telling friends to erase text messages that might derail your Justin Bieber-related baby scheme. Looking at U, Mariah Yeater.

Mariah Yeater, the 20-year-old woman who claimed that angelic pop prince Justin Bieber had impregnated her during an unromantic, 30-second statutorily rapey tryst, "quietly" dismissed her paternity suit last week, TMZ reports. She also lost her lawyers' support.

Lindsay Lohan completes another stint in jail. Kim Kardashian flies to Minnesota to couple counseling with Kris. Avril Lavigne's bar brawl leads to a black eye, a bloody nose, and a split-open head. Monday gossip is a caged bird flying free.

The MTV Europe Music Awards (aka the VMAs but with cooler accents) took place today in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Major winners included Lady Gaga, who came dressed up as several versions of the Pixar lamp, and alleged teen mom Justin Bieber. How predictable! One thing EMA viewers didn't see coming, however, was the completely naked man who rushed the stage during a presentation by Hayden Panettiere, who managed to appear shocked despite the fact she probably knew it was going to happen. The NSFW video is above.

To end these terrible falsehoods about fatherhood once and for all, beloved boy wonder Justin Bieber will give up some of his sacred DNA and (presumably) prove stuntwoman Mariah Yeater to be a trouble-making lying-liar-lady. The test will take place in two weeks, TMZ reports. It won't be broadcast live on pay-per-view for only $49.95, we're pretty sure.

Justin Bieber's not the first person who's been accused of fathering Mariah Yeater's baby. Kate Middleton is already the subject of pregnancy rumors. And after firing everyone else, Hilary Swank gets fired herself. Saturday gossip is highly intelligent, very wise.

Kristen Stewart's irrepressible sexiness imperils a movie franchise for kids. George Clooney gave Stacy Keibler crabs. Kris Jenner on Kim keeping her engagement ring: "I hate Indian givers." Dina Lohan blabs about LiLo's Playboy contract. TGIFriday gossip.

LAPD Commander Andrew Smith told reporters that Mariah Yeater, the 20-year-old woman who filed a paternity claim against 17-year-old pop star Justin Bieber, could be the target of a police investigation, as their alleged Staples Center bathroom tryst in 2010 would qualify as statutory rape. As our own Max Read clarified in his report, the California penal code stipulates that any sex between someone over 18 and under 18 constitutes "statutory rape." (Yeater was 19 at the time; Bieber 16, and allegedly a virgin.) If the difference in age between the two is under three years, it's a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in jail. Ouch. Pretty harsh. Though prison might be the safest place for Yeater right now. [AP, Photo of Bieber (left) via Getty Images]