• Just like Britney Spears told Matt Lauer she wants to start her own magazine, houseboy Kevin Federline says he'd like to start a publication that "comes out after all the tabloids." He'd call it The Real, and we're already vying associate editor position. [R&M (last item)]
• Are Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams leaving Brooklyn? Fucking Ratner, driving away all the good celebs. [Daily Telegraph]
• Kirsten Dunst manages to not get wasted at a recent Chanel function. When free clothes are on the line, the girl knows to keep her shit together. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson isn't helping OK! magazine's circulation: her most recent cover sold less than Vaughniston and Britney issues. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The National Enquirer EIC David Perel thinks there's a conspiracy theory against the magazine, run by an evil multi-celeb terror cell and led by Britney Spears and Kate Hudson. [TMZ]
• Steely Dan emerges from obscurity to accuse the makers of You, Me and Dupree of stealing from their Cousin Dupree song. [Fox411]
• CBS quickly goes about the business of erasing Dan Rather from its history books. [Page Six]

• The Water Taxi comes to Williamsburg, bringing with it a level of comfort for Wall Streeters and a newfound terror for the hipsters who've fought so hard to delay the inevitable. [NYS]
• Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married. Honeymoon videotape of their threesome with the dude from Creed obviously TK. [Us Weekly]
• Gene Simmons drools on a celebrity weekly reporter, publicist fails to apologize, world keeps on turning (barely). [M2tv]
• Your guide to the great Author Portraits of our time. Joan Didion, you will always rule. [Jane]
• More Fabian Basabe than anyone should ever be forced to endure. [JuliaAllison]
• That whole mess with Israel and Hezbollah? Ain't nothing but a gizmo. [Jew School]
• Vote for the hottest gay journalist: what wouldn't we give to see the Coop and Daily Newser Chris Rovzar mud-wrestle for the tiara. [Left Behinds]
• Cranky Media Guy Simon Dumenco can go on and on about what's wrong with America's Got Talent — but if that's how he wants to deal with his disturbingly hot David Hasselhoff fantasies, then so be it. [AdAge]
• How sad is D.C.? So sad that residents will try to raise $20K just to get K-Fed to come by and liven things up a bit. [Circomlocuter]
• The life cycle of the Party Girl, as told by Kristen Cavalleri, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Pam Anderson, Janice Dickinson, and Keith Richards. [BWE]

· Take Werner Herzog, subtract an 800-lb bear, add a guy in a cheaply made bear costume...eh, we're not going to try and explain it. Just watch Grizzly Bear Man for yourself.
· "Publicists stroll down the carpet, a TV reporter in a clingy blue-gray gown plops on the curb reading a magazine. Across the street, three protestors wave signs urging Hollywood to repent, 'Heathens beware. Your guilt is real! You are going to go to HELL FIRE.'" Richard Rushfield endures the searing hellflame of the People's Choice Awards for the The Envelope's Kudos Crasher column.
· USA Today launches its O-Factor blog, which is either about the Oscars or about achieving a better understanding of the female orgasm, we're not yet sure which.
· Hey, yo, K-Fed don't carr about wurther or not ya likes him. Word.
· Getting pregnant to take advantage of the carpool lane sounds like a great idea, but doesn't hold up in court.