• Increasingly tired of footing the bill for her baby daddy's chav-luxe lifestyle, Britney Spears is attempting to repossess the $200k Ferrari she bought for husband Kevin Federline. We assume she'll still pay for his current room and board at the Beverly Hills Hotel, however, which kinda takes away from the effect of his punishment. [Page Six]
• Predictably, the source of the rumors of Jessica Simpson's infidelity may have come from her assistant, CaCee. Never trust someone who can't spell her own name right. [Lowdown]
• If Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's virgin birth produces a son, will that make him Scientology's baby Jesus? [Scoop]
• It's not that we're bothered by supermodel Gisele Bundchen's insistence that her ass remain covered. It's that she consistently refers to it as her "booty." [Page Six]
• At the Museum of Moving Image's tribute to Ron Howard, an impromptu roast of Russell Crowe ensues. Maybe Russell wouldn't have stolen the spotlight if Opie weren't so damn boring. [R&M]

After a momentary lapse of gossip rag baby-whoring reason, Britney Spears has finally come to her senses and given the go ahead to People to print photos of her with newborn son Sean Preston on their cover. Proud father Kevin Federline is pictured too, his cornrows pulled extra tight, resulting in a convincing simulation of actual smiling:

Shar Jackson, ex-Moesha star and famously abandoned mother of Kevin Federline's first two children ("Y'all ain't ready for fatherhood!"), recently sat down with Sister 2 Sister magazine and relayed the sad but unsurprising news that Federline schedules more weekly face-to-scalp time with his personal cornrowing professionals than he does with his own offspring. What's more, Federline was putting the background moves on Spears well before he had ended things with Jackson:

• Yes, we are painfully aware that bits and pieces of Kevin Federline's ear-slicing new album have infected the internet. We're also aware that he raps with a sibilant "s" sound, but we think that just adds to the je ne sais quoi of his musical abortion. [Stereogum]
• You may have missed your chance to sleep with Elvis, but there's still a huge window on humping the dude who slept with a girl who slept with a '70s child actor who slept with Ann-Margret who slept with Elvis. [Craigslist]
• Proving that it is the ultimate in frat-boy evil, email newsletter Thrillist gives all lazy men the key to maintaining their relationships while secretly being a dick. [Thrillist]
• As if a rapist fireman-impersonator weren't bad enough, NYC now has a fake David Cross slumming the streets in search of tail! [The Apiary]
• Local political nutcase Chris X. Brodeur receives much-needed downtime in jail. [Gothamist]
• Hart+Larsson is hiring Kate Moss, and only Kate Moss. [Hart+Larsson via AdRants]
• Google continues to take over the world — but we'll be damned if we let those boy geniuses near our TiVo. [BigShinyThing]

While Britney Spears is enjoying babydaddy Kevin Federline's new demo CD on multiple levels (drink coaster, miniature ultimate frisbee tournaments, last-resort diaphragm), a stake in her own recording legacy has been put up for sale on eBay as if it were a Fiestaware soup turreen. From E! Online:

The Scoop reports of multiple ill-winds blowing through the Cheeto-crumb-strewn halls of the House of Federline. Take, for instance, this report of Britney Spears' reaction to her husband's blood-and-sweat-soaked demo CD, which he offered up to his bride for constructive criticism:

There's no question that the Federletus, when born, will be a thug — but this strikes even us as a bit premature.

· Here's the headline: "Ricky Martin Seeks End to Arab Stereotypes." Our only explanation is that many Arabs find themselves in the position of being stereotyped as gay-seeming Latin singers; in that case, they couldn't have a better advocate. Also: Congratulations to Martin for continuing to be alive. We were sure he'd died quietly a year and a half ago.
· Guess what? Kevin Federline might be something less than the Father of the Year. Yeah, we never could've seen it coming, either!
· Smrt-TV hands out its "Retroactive Alternative Emmys," and despite the inclusion of a "Best Use of Doggy Style Sex in a Series" category, Will & Grace is shut out.
· Have Scientologists appropriated the word "niacin" to replace "herpes"? An investigation is underway.
· What's the status of the engagement ring that nanny-penetrating actor Jude Law gave Sienna Miller? See this item, then go right back to not giving a shit unless it results in more ribald tales of nanny-tagging.

• Britney Spears' plaything, the inimitable K-Fed, skips the first birthday party of his son with Shar Jackson, little Kaleb. Considering he left Jackson while she was pregnant with the young boy, this really shouldn't be surprising. Besides, he was busy fetching Britney's Frappucinos, yo. [Page Six]
• Is Katie Holmes' recent face rash a result of Scientology detoxification procedures involving niacin? Are they stress-related cold sores? Or, as we suspect, are they simply the side effects of Dawson's herpex simplex? [Lowdown]
• Speculation ensues as to whether or not maligned actress Sienna Miller is still engaged to her cheating fiancé Jude Law. For the sake of a genetically perfect spawn (a dream dashed by the Pitt-Aniston breakup), we hope they can stupidly work things out. [Scoop]
• Recently convicted perjurer Lil' Kim lies outside of the courtroom, shaving a couple of years off her age. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Christian Slater hits the turntables with Maggie Gyllenhaal, manages not to grab her ass. [R&M (3rd item)]