The Google Translation of this harrowing story out of Guangzhou, China, leaves much to be desired, but the gist of it is that a mentally ill woman deemed "suicidal" in local media reports tried to stab passers-by on Baogang Avenue only to be thwarted by a teenager in hot pants and knee-high boots who apparently knows taekwondo.

At least at the box office where the unstoppable fire-breathers roared for another week. They've been trained how to fly, but J.Lo's career is still in an unstoppable tailspin thanks to another movie dud.

New York Post sex master Andrea Peyser found this new movie Kick Ass to be "intoxicatingly entertaining, wildly inappropriate, and alarmingly sexual." Use your Media Decoder Ring to read her true opinion: "intoxicatingly...sexual." Andrea's friends agree!

And by that we mean children murdering people, not the other way around. Also this week: you guys love your dragons, some of you lovey our Miley Cyrus, and others love your gay midget funeral movies.

We may not have anything left of our environment or economy by 2010, but at least we'll have something to keep us interested in the cinema. And the marketing machine is already starting. Check out the coming attractions!