What do you get Kiefer Sutherland for his birthday? Apparently, not a transvestite stripper—the National Enquirer says he's already had one of those.

"So me and a friend had a bourbon date at the 4100 Bar last night. Place was pretty empty, but who should materialize before us, like some Christmas tree-tackling holiday angel, but KIEFER SUTHERLAND himself."

Anderson Cooper arriving in LA after a flight from NYC ... Ed Westwick leaving his trailer on the Gossip Girl set ... Matthew Broderick helping son James with his scarf in the West Village ... Kiefer Sutherland signing autographs outside NBC ... Kirsten Dunst walking down the street... Katie Holmes getting out of an SUV outside the Schoenfeld Theatre ... Alec Baldwin and Salma Hayek standing on the set of 30 Rock ... Madonna's daughter Lourdes walking with her father Carlos Leon ... Madonna carrying son David into the Kabbalah Center and later visiting a preschool on the Upper East Side ... Twilight star Robert Pattinson leaving his hotel ... Rosie O'Donnell and Becky Newton outside the Conan O'Brien show ... and Alex Rodriguez getting into a cab in Midtown and having lunch with music manager Guy Oseary at Da Silvano yesterday.

♦ Although her life looks like it's finally back on track, a new documentary suggests Britney Spears thinks her new life is like prison and lacks "excitement" or "passion." Hopefully she'll be in a better mood in two weeks when she makes an appearance at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony. [The Sun, OK!]
♦ Could Anna Wintour be planning to retire? Page Six says the Vogue editor is thinking about leaving the mag once her contract is up, and she's even been recommending possible replacements to Si Newhouse. [P6]
♦ Kiefer Sutherland may be planning to move to NYC so he can be closer to his girlfriend, Allure style director Siobhan Bonnouvrier. [Daily Star]
♦ Madonna is reportedly making $10 million to appear in her new Louis Vuitton ad campaign. [P6]

Now that our Kiefer is free as a bird and more velvet-voiced than ever, he's opening up about the seven-week jail stint that made shower soap negotiation almost as perilous as saving the free world. Speaking to Men's Vogue, he details the jail's living conditions (bad, but at least it wasn't the plebeian hellhole inflicted upon Raffaello Follieri) and the cerebral, mercifully short-lived experience that was his sobriety:

After an achingly long hiatus for all involved — especially for the celebrities observed below — Hollywood PrivacyWatch returns with the very special story of a traffic mishap gone horribly wrong, 90210 stars acting their age (unless you count drinking), and a not-so-quiet brunch. Our regrets for the time off — we'll pick it up in the future. And remember: PrivacyWatch sightings are submitted by Defamer operatives fanned out far and wide, so keep your tips coming. Be sure to include "Sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line — we want every furtive glance to count! This installment's sightings include Kim Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland, Pierce Brosnan, Farrah Fawcett, Marilyn Manson, Ari Emanuel, Marcia Cross, Isla Fisher, Jon Hamm, Larry Flynt, Chris Robinson, Peter Graves, Shenae Grimes, Dustin Milligan, Lisa Rinna, Bill Walton, William Baldwin, Chynna Phillips, Linda Evans, Gunnar Nelson (!) and more.THURSDAY, SEPT. 4 · Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said, "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me." Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough, hard-drinking, hard-partying, heavy-tanning life. Use sunscreen kids. Use sunscreen. · Tuesday night's Bob Dylan concert at the Santa Monica Civic was ripe with celebrities, and I do mean ripe. NBA legend and Laker dad BILL WALTON couldn't get a reserved seat, he actually got tossed out of his first one that he just bogarted and was forced to stand against the wall, until someone recognized him and gave him a different reserved seat. Fellow Irishmen COLM MEANEY and PIERCE BROSNAN were spotted separately briefly. Anything but standing room only for TV's and former funnyman RICHARD LEWIS. And finally, one of the NELSON BROTHERS, most likely GUNNAR. · I don't know if this counts, but I was having lunch at Porta Via and I spotted SWEET P (Project Runway, season 4) and a friend (boy? husband?). She walked by my table and was stunned when I called her name and that someone recognized her. She is sweet in person. I then had to explain Project Runway to my visiting co-worker from London. He remains confused. SATURDAY, SEPT. 6 · Air Canada flight 744 from LAX to Toronto ... A very laid back and un-made-up MARILYN MANSON (or "Mr. Warner" to the attendants) and Endeavor's ARI EMANUEL (in gym shorts and crocs) in business class, film festival-bound. SUNDAY, SEPT. 7 · Sunday afternoon, Silverlake - walked straight past KIEFER SUTHERLAND and a blonde woman in the Vons supermarket parking lot on Sunset / Hollywood / Virgil / Hillhurst / Sunset Drive. He was carrying the shopping bags (like a gentleman), no doubt stocking up on Haagen-Dazs to watch Britney's big comeback at the VMAs that night. More importantly, what is up with that K-hole of a junction? · ISLA FISHER and baby OLIVE were at the Grove on Sunday between 3:30 and 4:30. Isla was wearing an orange, off the shoulder, embroidered hippie-ish cotton dress (the type popular at Anthropology last year), and little Olive was wearing a mini version of the same thing in white. Her hair was in a loose braid. I saw her first walking through Anthropology (she was disappointed her hippie dresses went out of style) and then later walking into Nordstrom. I was not stalking her; she was stalking me. I am worried Isla does not has any friends in LA— what celebrity goes shopping by herself (babies don't count), at The Grove, on a Sunday? Don't judge me for being at the Grove; sometimes you just wind up there. I'm hopeful she'll have a new posse following her around after her new movie comes out. Either way, she has Sacha Baron Cohen. MONDAY, SEPT. 8 · I was walking my dog when I noticed Topanga from Boy Meets World (DANIELLE FISHEL) at Callender's Grill on Wilshire. She was sitting outside on the patio and in deep discussion with an older woman I didn't recognize. She had on really heavy eyeliner! TUESDAY, SEPT. 9 · Oh poor LARRY FLYNT the Porn King. Saw him at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. Sweaty, quite icky looking and dazed. That's all I've got to say about that. · St. Louis to LAX Tuesday morning, JON HAMM was in first class. We talked to him at baggage claim, and he was ridiculously nice. The man is also really ridiculously good looking. I can't believe Sterling Cooper allows its employees to fly the friendly skies with American Airlines. WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 10 · Montecito, the lush, obscenely wealthly Santa Barbara enclave is a great little getaway, especially if you go off season as to avoid the onslaught of Hollywood- from Oprah to Cameron Diaz. (I just shuddered.) Ordering a late breakfast at Xanadu when I saw that 2 feet away, WILLIAM BALDWIN and wife CHYNNA PHILLIPS are at a table waiting for their grub. Did not even recognize her. She looked beat- a skeletor-long raggedy hair, in a floor length white totally weird Hare Krishna getup. Not until Billy opened his sexy mouth to call her back inside to eat did I inwardly sigh upon hearing that famous Baldwin voice. Oh that dulcet, mellifluous voice! He looks good. My husband said "Has he done anything since Backdraft? ... Chynna was screeching into her cell; so obnoxious, looking for attention of which she got none, and finally for those of us eating outside, she succumbed to that Baldwin Brother siren-call and went back to her table. Yes sir, that is one good looking guy with a voice that makes my knees buckle. Yum Yum Yummy. Not the omelet, the Baldwin. THURSDAY, SEPT. 11 · One for the ages, PETER GRAVES, looking great for 82, in business class on my flight today from JFK to LAX. Like a dork, I smiled and said “Hi” as I trudged back to coach with the masses. I saw him doing a morning show yesterday (they all blend), some sort of “reunion” with Robert Hayes et. al, and there he was, on my airplane, on September 11th, making me feel better about flying. · MARCIA CROSS, one of TV's Desperate Housewives is sitting with me in AA ECONOMY from STL to LAX right now! How continental. SUNDAY, SEPT. 14 · Saw that guy who plays Ethan (DUSTIN MILLIGAN) and that girl who plays Silver (JESSICA STROUP) on the new version of 90210 having lunch together at Mani's on Fairfax. In this case, lunch meaning that he was eating while she watched. · The place: The Rose Bowl Flea Market. I'd always heard that lots of celebs frequented this, but in almost two years of faithful attendance, I'd never actually seen one. ... But today, I saw CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black Crowes (and ex-Kate Hudson husband), who appeared to be accompanied by a very comely lass. And that's the difference between a rock star and me (an accountant): Chris Robinson gets willowy, hot chicks, and i get girls who look like Chris Robinson. Conclusion: I have taken a severely wrong career path and am in the wrong profession. That is all. MONDAY, SEPT. 15 · Saw the new Brenda (SHENAE GRIMES) and Naomi (ANNALYNNE MCCORD, who incidentally makes me ache for Tori's acting chops) last night at the Belmont. New Brenda is as shockingly adorable in person as on TV but was completely sans trademark smile and actually appeared pouty and pissed at times. She and the even-less-beautiful-in-person Naomi (the new Emily Valentine?), who has overgelled 90's hair and is clearly skinnier than her own body type would prefer, were feverishly chain smoking. They were also HARDcore flirting with their waiter, the only guy there more interested in them than the cowboys and eagles. Between packs of cigarettes the girls were, yep, drinking. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: New Brenda's only 18. Oooooo! I hope new Jim and Aunt Becky don't find out, new 90210 is boring enough without old 90210's lesson-learned moralizing. TUESDAY, SEPT. 16 · So about an hour ago, 3:15 or so Wednesday afternoon, I'm going for a run along Beverly Blvd. I'm just E of Fairfax on the S side of the street when there's a pretty bad car wreck right in front of me. A westbound car turned left into the CBS gate, and a small car was gunning it eastbound in the lane closest to the sidewalk and didn't see them. So the security guard goes to one car, I tell another car to call 911. No one is critically hurt, but we help the guy who's bleeding pretty bad onto the sidewalk. I go out into the street to stand there and let people know they have to get over cuz one of the mangled cars is sitting in the middle of the intersection. After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it's slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I'm waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won't. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say "get over - there's a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there's been a bad accident." At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self [...] who tells me "Don't you touch my car." I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?! there's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding." I then screamed at her "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!" to which she responds "I know, but don't touch my car." She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection. She said "I know?" I KNOW that I'm holding up rescue in my tinted-ass Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car. I hate humanity. WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17 · Saw LINDA EVANS at the Intercontinental bar last night. Fortunately she left before I had my third martini — otherwise I would've hummed the Dynasty theme to her. TODAY · LISA RINNA working out at Fitness Factory with her trainer. Her face looked like the clay pot in the movie Ghost after Patrick Swayze fucked it up.

Ethan Hawke taking his dog for a walk ... Ashley Olsen leaving her apartment in the Village ... Whitney Port going for a stroll downtown ... Calvin Klein crossing the street ... Michelle Williams carrying daughter Matilda and a cup of coffee ... Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa filming a segment outside ... Liv Tyler peeking out of the front door of her apartment ... Katie Lee Joel heading into the Hearst building for a luncheon ... Tyra Banks leaving the same luncheon a little while later ... Joshua Jackson shooting scenes for his new show Fringe in Queens ... Kiefer Sutherland walking with a friend through the West Village ... Dita Von Teese making her way into Marc Anthony's party at the Bowery Hotel, around the same time Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounson showed up ... Celine Dion performing at Madison Square Garden ... Mary-Kate Olsen covering her face while walking downtown late at night ... and Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson leaving a dinner downtown.

Jessica Szohr playing with a pretzel during a photo shoot in SoHo ... John Mayer standing on the street with a motorcycle helmet in hand ... Michelle Trachtenberg walking hand-in-hand with an unidentified man in SoHo ... Katie Holmes hopping out of an SUV near Times Square ... John Legend shopping with his girlfriend in SoHo ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving Toys 'R' Us with son James and a big bag toys ... Tim Robbins grabbing some juice while riding around on rollerblades ... Meg Ryan making her way out of an office building ... Actress Kim Raver pushing her son in a stroller ... Frankie Muniz standing on the sidewalk with a female friend ...Padma Lakshmi posing for photos in the street wearing an all-white ensemble ... Heroes star Dania Ramirez leaving the Bryant Park Hotel ... Kiefer Sutherland walking through SoHo with his daughter ... Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony making their way into Marc's birthday party at the Bowery Hotel ... Ashley Olsen heading out for the evening with a big bodyguard ... Kelly Rowland going to dinner at Nobu ... and Lindsay Lohan hiding her face with a handbag outside the Bowery Hotel.

At this point, 24's seventh season has been hit with more obstacles than the beleaguered Jack Bauer — so what's one more? After suffering through a WGA strike, a one-year delay, and a stint in jail for lead Kiefer Sutherland, the Fox drama is once again shutting down production, says EW. Producer Howard Gordon tells the mag that he was unhappy with the scripts for hours 19-24, so the show will power down until writers can start from scratch. Still, thanks to the eight episodes banked before the strike, producers don't expect the season premiere to be delayed any further — which is more than can be said for the Lifetime debut of Project Runway, now pushed back to January 2009. Originally slotted for this fall, where it would have followed quickly on the heels of its Bravo swan song, producers couldn't make the abbreviated schedule work. The delay lends Lifetime the extra time it will need to craft an all-important needlepoint challenge and secure the participation of "fashion legend" Meredith Baxter Birney as final judge at NY Fashion Week. [EW]

• Kiefer Sutherland picked up a five-story townhouse at 763 Greenwich Street for $8.25 million. The 4,830-square-foot home, which was built in 1905, features a backyard garden and numerous fireplaces. [Berg Properties]

Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Help us get to the bottom of this Kiefer's pants-stain mystery after the jump:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw a tired Kiefer Sutherland eating lunch with Gary Oldman and a couple of stunning brunettes. UPDATE (8/26/08): C'mon guys, we need you to be better than this! We just got this email from Gary Oldman's manager: "…About your item on Gary and Keifer, alas, Gary was not with Kiefer on Friday, Gary was out of the country on holiday with his family. Prior to that, Gary spent ten days in Barbados. Gary has not seen Kiefer for years and years. Whoever says they saw them together on Friday is, alas, mistaken!!" This week's installment also includes: Katherine Heigl, Anthony Michael Hall, Bryan Singer, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, Louie Anderson, Tatyana Ali, Gordon Ramsey, Catherine Keener, Bradley Cooper, Victor Garber and more!SATURDAY, AUGUST 9 · Saw KATHERINE HEIGL at Cliff's Edge in Silverlake. My parents were in town and we wanted to take them someplace nice. We were sitting up in the outside covered area when Heigl and her entourage (which included her mother) were seated next to us. Alas, she decided that she didn't want to sit there (I heard her say something about not being able to smoke. Dead serious.), so they moved to a very secluded corner. Or, she may not have wanted to sit by us because when she came in, my sister nudged me and I totally turned around in my seat to look at who or what prompted the nudge ... perhaps she thought I was a super-fan who would lose my shit if she sat next to us. She would have been safe as I am not. Also, her voice is pretty annoying in person —way crackier than it is in movies. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13 · Saw ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL at Farmer's Market on Wednesday Aug 13th with Fiona Forbes (she's a Canadian tv host who no one in LA would reconize but i did!) He's still a little geeky. SATURDAY, AUGUST 16 · Fiesta Cantina, The 'Ho: Fighting my way through the gay-os to secure one last 2-for-1 drink special, I spotted BRYAN SINGER jauntily hopping to the music as he entered. He looked fresh and young but not as fresh and young looking as the A&F wearing tyke he was with. · JERRY O'CONNELL stopped by the 12 Shiny Nickels comedy show in Hollywood on Saturday night to see Carpoolers co-star TJ Miller perform. Seemed to have a delightful time. MONDAY, AUGUST 18 · Around 11:30ish, saw PUFF DADDY trying to de-puff himself with some light cardio at Equinox West Hollywood. Take that, take that! · LOUIE ANDERSON in front of Susina on Beverly. TUESDAY, AUGUST 19 · Saw twice in one night: the beautiful TATYANA ALI at Gingergrass and Hyperion Tavern with some friends. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20 · Had two good sightings in one night along the douchey Sunset Strip. First, outside of Ketchup, chef GORDON RAMSEY and his family. He was laid back and non-shouty, his kids looked happy and content and not snobby and privileged (I always look at the kids to see if they look miserable!). Then, later that night, outside of BLD Craft we see CATHERINE KEENER in the valet area. I spot her as we walk up and just as we pass her I said in a dorky voice "Catherine Keener, I love you". It cracked up the valet but she looked utterly confused and surprised (but awesome). · Mini-Alias nonreunion in the Arclight lobby: BRADLEY COOPER exited with hipster friends; one minute later, VICTOR GARBER entered. FRIDAY, AUGUST 22 · KIEFER SUTHERLAND must like the sandwiches at Dan Subs. Because he was there in Woodland Hills, on Ventura Blvd, again. This time, he was with GARY OLDMAN a Gary Oldman lookalike. Kiefer did not look so good — he looked exhausted. But he seemed to be enjoying his sub, but not nearly as much as the two stunning brunettes that were with them.

So we hit the open warehouse, and let's just say, if we had $5 million kicking around, we'd have found the ideal windowless converted foundry from which to run our punk rock mini-empire/host all-night after-Junction ragers with a few hundred of our closest neighborhood drunks. Yes, Kiefer is leaving us, friends. But that doesn't mean we can't still check in with him from time to time, albeit in the altogether less intimate arena of nationally televised talk show appearances. On Late Show last night, Kiefer recalled our collective nightmare—his incarceration for a parole-violating DUI—from inside the Glendale City Jail. Explaining that his celebrity status (translation: perky little ass) earned him unwanted attention, the simple act of communal showering became a perilous maneuver worthy of Jack Bauer himself, requiring slippery neck-snappings and shivs-to-the-eye if he planned on getting out with his bitch-virginity intact.

Disconcerting news: Patron Saint of Eastside Good-Time Drunkenness Kiefer Sutherland has put his bachelor's paradise up for sale, the Real Estalker blog informs us. Located in a converted foundry on N. Madison (that's Melrose just west of Virgil—hey, we can spit there!), the 14,400 sq. foot warehouse space cost him $700,000 to purchase, and—outfitted with "three bedrooms and four bathrooms...25 foot ceilings and polished concrete floor...[and] curtained off areas that function as an art/painting studio and a home gym set up"—it's now available to you, the Kiefer-Stalking Person or Persons of Means, for a mere $4,895,000. Did we mention it's walking distance to Ye Rustic? Look: We've even Google Mapped it for you! Take a photo tour after the jump:Before you begin sobbing between self-pitying bites of Myrtle Burger—positive the listing means we'll see a reduction in Kiefer's legendary pub-crawling exploits in the area—we'll leave you with this thought: You can take Kiefer out of Silver Lake, but you can never take the Silver Lake out of Kiefer. Whoever buys this property, perhaps some Arabian sultan seriously obsessed with 24, we hereby commission you to erect a wonky-looking-Kiefer mural on its facade. Enjoy the tour.

There are few things in this world that can thwart 24's Jack Bauer — few things, that is, besides a WGA strike and an untimely stint in the Glendale City Jail. Forced to postpone the premiere of 24's seventh season from January 2008 to January 2009, Fox promised a make-good for tortured fans in the form of an additional two-hour prequel, set to air this November. Now, though, it's looking like those two hours are going to come out of the next season's twenty-four. Prequel costar Robert Carlyle gave Premiere the scoop:

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

When Bertolt Brecht said, "Art is not a mirror held up to reality but a hammer with which to shape it," well, he was just being an egomaniacal auteur. But it's quite possible that he was right — if you're willing to classify network television as art, that is. Consider the case of two recent seemingly unthinkable societal shifts — Barack Obama's presidential nomination and the recent decision to legalize gay marriage in California starting today. Both were the plots of popular television shows before they actually happened. Could the paranoid social conservatives be right? Does what people see on TV actually change their opinions? Do Kiefer Sutherland's powers of persuasion extend beyond Defamer? Consider the evidence after the jump.

Kiefer OffTheMarketWatch. Reports suspiciously sourced, British-spelling-afflicted celebrity newswsire BANG: "The '24' star, whose divorce from Elizabeth Kelly Winn was finalised last month, is reportedly planning to marry his new girlfriend Siobhan Bonnouvrier. A friend of Kiefer's said: 'Now that Kiefer is finally divorced, everyone is hoping he will marry Siobhan. Kiefer is a changed man and Siobhan is just the right woman for him. She is an amazing woman and has transformed Kiefer in just a few short weeks.'" Congratulations to the hopefully happy couple! [BANG]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. As a few emailers have noted, it took us a few weeks to collect this installment — if you want to see this feature run more frequently, be sure to send in your tips early and often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Work Out's Jackie Warner working out a gym other than the one she owns.

Presidential politics is but a blip on our radar most days at Defamer HQ, but every now and then a ping so rattles us from our afternoon stupor that we can't help but take notice. Today's wake-up call comes from angry activist and sometime actor Donald Sutherland, who just joined the stirring realms of downmarket punditry at The Huffington Post: