A Mobile, Ala., mom says school officials forced her daughter to sign a contract promising not to commit suicide or harm others after the kindergartner "drew something that resembled a gun," then pointed a crayon at another kid and said "pew, pew!"

As many as a dozen children attending a kindergarten in the western Norwegian town of Sola may have sampled some blood that a teacher brought into class for show and tell.

This qualifies as a bit of a vague, not totally well-established-in-a-statistical-way trend; but the fact that it exists at all for one single person in America is, I believe, newsworthy. Families are taking out tens of thousands of dollars worth of loans in order to pay for private kindergarten for their whelps. That is some fucked up shit.

Kindergarten can be a difficult transition for a lot of kids. You know what makes it easier? Heroin.

Preschool America has truly gone to seed. Just days after a spate of drunken toddler sightings, a six-year-old Houston boy brought a loaded gun to his school cafeteria. It gets worse: The gun discharged when he dropped it, injuring himself and two other students.

A Tennessee kindergarten teacher punished a student for being messy by telling his classmates to encircle him, "call him a pig and make pig noises." Don't worry—she was suspended for a day!

Donald Trump is still a couple of months from his self-imposed deadline — during sweeps week — on making a presidential candidacy decision. So let's keep humoring him! Today, he pretended to be a birther.

What fresh hell is the fact that this sentence—in New York's cover story about kindergarten meritocracy—is necessary: "The fact is, 4 is far too young an age to reach any conclusions about the prospects of a child's mind."

A memo just went around to Times employees, informing them that soon they will be able to claim their cubicles as their very own. Now everyone will really know where everyone else sits, because everyone will get a "personal sign." Ooo! Also, a tambour door looks like this. Is everyone locked into a pod or something? The full memo follows.