Saucy LiLo shows up to the Kardashianganza dressed in a long white gown accessorized with major cleavage. Chely Wright weds. Christina Aguilera wants to wed. And Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller might wed again. Today's Gossip Roundup is an overworked bridesmaid with cake all over her dress.

Because nobody should be forced to endure an entire 30 minutes of America's most overexposed family every Sunday night, I'll be watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians for you and reporting back with a clip of each episode's most cringeworthy 15 or so seconds.

Because nobody should be forced to endure an entire 30 minutes of America's most overexposed family every Sunday night, we'll be watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians for you and reporting back with a clip of each episode's most cringeworthy 15 or so seconds.

Because nobody should be forced to endure an entire 30 minutes of America's most overexposed family every Sunday night, we'll be watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians for you and reporting back with a clip of each episode's most cringeworthy 15 or so seconds.

Stop whatever it is you're doing and listen up. We bring you now a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to name what is sure to become an enduring work of American literature: the Kardashians' first book!

Yesterday, Kourtney Kardashian made her first foray into acting (we don't count her many, family-based reality shows) on the ABC soap One Life to Live. The name of her character? Obviously, another one with the same initials as the rest of the Kardashian Klan: Kassandra Kavanaugh.

Last night on Lopez Tonight, Kourtney revealed that she is still breastfeeding 13 month-old, Mason.

America's most famous burlesque sister act, the Kardashians, will launch a Kardashian Kollection at over 400 Sears stores this August. Sounding Palinesque, Kourtney said, "There's a Sears right near our house." But have you ever been inside? Didn't think so.

How did you celebrate New Year's Eve? Probably not with a supermodel in Mexico. Jenny McCarthy has a new boyfriend. Justin Bieber tries to win Selena Gomez's heart with diamonds. New Year's Day Gossip Roundup is surprisingly not hungover!

Russell Brand is in trouble! Marc Anthony is in debt! Brad Pitt is in the hospital! (Not for anything serious... unless you consider charity serious, which I do.) Friday's gossip is ringing in the new year!

Kelly Osbourne tweets—then deletes—an epic rant about her gold digging ex-fiance. Rihanna breaks up with her boyfriend. Charlie Sheen skipped Christmas to party. Taylor Momsen calls herself "a product." Wednesday gossip is a painful realization.

I've come to believe the Kardashians are but an optical illusion designed to put viewers in a fugue state, wherein brain use stalls and the ability to recognize pores diminishes. Come, let us gurgle at the Kardashians' uncanny Christmas pictures.

The Kardashian girls are usually mum about the OJ Simpson trial. Not on Fox & Friends, apparently. During O.J.'s trial, their cars got keyed! There was media! They were followed! ...It actually doesn't sound much different than their lives now.

Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe pull the plug on their predatory credit card. Lindsay Lohan wants a restraining order against paparazzi. Tom Brady battles male pattern baldness. Brad Pitt's plague of poor fashion choices returns. Tuesday gossip is a lost cause.

Miley's eighteenth birthday party features bumping and grinding with her mom. Jay-Z shot his brother at age 12. Charlie Sheen's hooker gives an interview. Lenny Dykstra's dog could get repossessed. Just another manic Monday gossip roundup.

The Longoria-Parkers face conflicting rumors about adultery and divorce. Pink is pregnant. Stewart-Pattinson probably didn't get married, but Ochocinco will soon. Wednesday gossip is at loggerheads.

Lindsay Lohan returns! Sort of. Jessica Simpson is engaged to Eric Johnson. Are Robert Pattinson and Daniel Radcliffe feuding? John Travolta pilots a jumbo jet back to his pregnant wife. Sunday gossip round up is a non-stop flight to funtown.

[Kim Kardashian and sister, K-something, continue their home school geography lessons on the 6 train today. Image via Twitter]

[Khloe Kardashian gives major stink face this morning while filming and shopping with sister Kourtney in SoHo. Image via Splash]

[Kim Kardashian, her sister Kourtney Kardashian, her boyfriend Scott Disick and her baby, whose actual name is Mason Dash, for some reason, leave New York via JFK Airport. Bon voyage, Kardashians! Image via Bauer-Griffin.]