• Lindsay Lohan served 84 minutes in a Lynwood jail for her July DUI charges. [TMZ]
  

First Morgans Hotel Group CEO Edward Scheetz tore out the Philippe Starcke lobby at the Royalton and made it the most boring place in the world. Then he quit to work out some personal stuff after a 23-year-old shoe saleswoman from Colorado was found dead in his Las Vegas apartment.

Very fast bicyclist Lance Armstrong and aging sk8er boi Tony Hawk went to Allison Sarofim's insane Caligulan Halloween party without costumes because they're soooo cool. [Park Avenue Peerage]

• Why are Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong parading their PDAs around the town's hotspots? Although! Page Six says they were dining at Waverly Inn together on Tuesday—but the photographic evidence says that Ashley was actually dining with Sting, Slash and Stephen Fry. No Lance shows up in the paparazzi photos. [Page Six, Image: Splash Photos]
  

• Britney Spears hasn't regained shared custody of her sons, but her hair is looking much better. [Us Weekly]
  

• Revealed! Britney Spears lost her kids by being an incredibly terrible parent. Also, not signing some papers. [TMZ]
  

Heralded these days as the hotspot to outshine all hotspots, new Lower East Side institution The Box is at a very dangerous crossroads. Now, celebrities are beginning to outnumber the hip. And now they're not like, cool celebrities. Says an attendee: "Literally ran into Lance Armstrong at The Box on Tuesday night, apparently it was his birthday. He had multiple boxes. I apologized for running into him, he huffed and puffed in his three-piece suit. Although I thought he was innocent of all the allegations I now believe he has 'roid rage. Completely not nice." Dude, Lance Armstrong? Seriously. What Would Studio 54 Have Done?

At least, that's what an item in today's Rush & Molloy would have us believe:

• Lance Armstrong hanging out with Paris Hilton? Apparently, no one told him it only takes one ball to get the clap. [Page Six]
• Whitney Houston may have kicked Bobby Brown out, may have simply misplaced him under giant pile of crack vials. [R&M]
• Candy Spelling sells mansion for $130 million. Tori Spelling can count to 130. Okay, 100. [TMZ]
• Nicole Richie dating Brody Jenner. Brody Jennner excited to see Brody Jennner's name in print one more time. Brody Jennner. [People]
• Bam Margera offers Jessica Simpson apology for whole adultery rumors thing. Slaps himself and throws drink in own face. [US Weekly]
• Celebrities continue to get free shit because fuck you. [Lowdown]

Both the Sun and the Times have acknowledged that uniballed cycling champ Lance Armstrong opened his hosting gig at ESPN's ESPY awards with an anal sex joke directed at Jake Gyllenhaal, but neither paper seems willing to clarify any further. Apparently it's okay for the press to acknowledge the presence of buttfucking humor, but not to actually entertain readers with the buttfucking humor itself. So we'll share the joke with you — if nothing else, Gawker will always support anything involving Gyllenhaal and anal.