“Swedish Pokemon teens terrorized by laser-wielding sex pigs,” reads one headline. “Sex pigs halt traffic after laser attack on Pokémon teens,” screams another. I, however, see something else entirely. I see two Swedes having a romantic night out wearing pig masks and physicalizing their love for each other on public infrastructure. I see two Swedes in love.
Blood tests! Omnipresent alligators! Abounding planets! European telescope! Disappearing Avandia! Sniffing mammals! Laser wheelchairs! Repulsive energy! And DIY levees! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—as if Schrodinger's cat would allow such a thing!
Super computers! Narcissistic kids! Harvard scandals! Floating ants! Big lasers! Lying Superman! Magic batteries! Anti-helium! And sexxxy peacock pimping secrets! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—bitingly!
Welcome to the future, people. The U.S. Navy has perfected a high-energy laser that can be aimed from a ship and can set another boat's engines on fire. The military thinks it will be perfect to prevent attacks by smaller vessels, so pirates being zapped with lasers won't be something you'll just read about in comic books anymore.
We've all had those days when you really just don't want to get up. But, what happens when you're confronted with a tempting laser point?
Honey, I blew up the popcorn! Watch as this mysterious, faceless man uses a laser to pop exactly one kernel of corn sitting atop a chocolate chip cookie. This is surely the pinnacle of modern technology.
Pugs are always awesome, but they can get lazy at times. Here's a good way to keep them active and entertain yourself at the same time.
You'd like to catch the laser pointer, wouldn't you, cat? Well...you'll have to dance for it.
Oh noes! Perez Hilton, your favorite blogossip maven and carpeted spiral staircase-haver, went under the knife yesterday. The laser knife. Yes, he's gotten LASIK eyeball surgery so he can finally see clearly without the use of irritating contact lenses and nerdy glasses. And he's recorded a goodbye video on his site, because he won't be back to blergin' until late today. Can you imagine? It'll be a whole day practically without queeny musings on Tony Romo and Britney Spears' former assistant. Kwell dommage. At least we can await a brighter future in which, with his new robotic laser-infused seein' spuds, the Microsoft Paint penises he draws on so many photos will turn into beautiful, stunningly realistic, subtly shaded and textured cocks. "Is that a Caravaggio," some creaky doyenne will cluck. "Oh noooo, madam," her foppish man servant, Brilliams, will reply. "It's a Hilton!" Dramatic goodbye video (featuring the debut of the carpeted spiral staircase!) is here.
After much delay, the future has arrived. Everybody's buying lasers! And, everybody's hairless! If you guessed that these two things are related, you are probably an astute female consumer of laser hair removal services. But now that the world of science fiction is here, you don't have to sit around cold, impersonal cut-rate salons to have some young whippet blast the hair off your body with concentrated pulses of scalding light; you can do it in the comfort of your own home, with no training or safety at all! We can already anticipate the hilarious domestic violence battles that will end with a laser being drawn. Two consumer-targeted lasers, the Tria ($995) and the Silk'n ($800), are about to be launched [WSJ ($)]. Just one slight drawback: these lasers are sexist and racist!
