Michael Douglas is living through Traffic, and his kid might be a RAT. Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats trying to make beautiful music. Nicole Richie: not a skeleton. Jessica Alba's one year-old daughter: caliente? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Andy Dick: Something about his penis getting in trouble. Rihanna's about to break her man's umbrella off. Helen Mirren has a lesson for your children about getting drunk and stupid. Megan Fox's freaky thumbs! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Is Tiger Woods in sex rehab? And what the hell is sex rehab like? Montel Williams' kids miss him. Richard Gere can't pay his hotel's bills. Charlie Sheen's perfect smirk. Dennis Hopper's perfect heartbreak. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Miley Cyrus has a ring that gives her special powers, like attracting press! Jeff Bridges basically is The Dude. Tiger Woods likes hot asses, but whose? Fake hair! Golden showers! Taxes! Chicks making out! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Phyllis Nefler is back up in this! She's well rested from vacation and is in the shotgun position to take on this week's NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, filled with funny hats, Jews, iPods, and a serious lack of N.W.A. Typical.

Sometimes, even Phyllis Nefler's gotta take a break, and she's gone skiing—skiing-skiing—this weekend. Taking her place to rock the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations is my bloggy colleague Lilit Marcus, the Nice Jewish Girl behind Save the Assistants. Lilit?

I didn't get engaged and/or married this weekend. Phyllis Nefler didn't get engaged and/or married this weekend. Why? Because that shit's cliche and tired. Except: not to the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations which defiantly goes dark for nothing. NEFLER SMASH:

Once it hits your lips, Altarcations are so good. Phyllis Nefler will drink the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations milkshake beerbong like it's nobody's business, especially when it's got good guest stars like this week's. Tell 'em what's up, Nef:

Kevin Jonas got married, probably laid. Jersey Shore kids in New York. Are they loved or hated? Kate Hudson's parents love her sooooooooo much. People wants to kill Brad Pitt's spirit. SJP vs. Dress. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

Gawker Weddings Expert Phyllis Nefler's on vacation, and I'm forcing her to file today, because it's late and Angela Merkel has yet to get facepunched. NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, we're taking you on this week together, gallery style.

BigLips Lohan's claim of rescuing Indian children? Notsomuch. A Christmas tree at Hotel Griffou takes one for the team. Kardashians: God hates you. Halle Berry's still hot. And #servicey! Patti Smith: hotness. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

Don't think you're ever getting married? You probably won't, you jaded prick/insecure pansy. You think marriage is "outdated," right? Talk to the Phyllis Nefler about "progressive" as she explains the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations connection with fighting the alien threat.

Old Media doesn't die, it just falls behind. Occasionally newspapers take some extra time to catch up to blogs with news coverage. Sometimes they add to the discussion, but often it's just yesterday's news. Today, for example: