I didn't get engaged and/or married this weekend. Phyllis Nefler didn't get engaged and/or married this weekend. Why? Because that shit's cliche and tired. Except: not to the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations which defiantly goes dark for nothing. NEFLER SMASH:

Why would anyone get married this weekend? No, I'm serious. Someone please explain to me me why I am having to write this right now. I want answers and I want them this instant.

A lot of people got married on Sunday, which is today. Think about what you're doing at this moment and then think about how incredibly annoying it would be to be at some poorly ventilated "event space" eating sauce-covered chicken and watching, like, your random coworker and her dumpy groom swaying to "At Last".

Then there is this couple who got married on Wednesday night. That sounds like it was convenient for everyone involved! They're not even Jewish.

Guess what else is not convenient? Snowstorms. This is me pretending to care.

And THIS is Robin Lane and Arie Schinnar, the featured couple in the Vows column who actually got married last weekend and are thus spared my Christmas ire. The two met when Lane's apartment — oh, sorry, "Fifth Avenue co-op" — flooded and she hired Schinner, an "architectural consultant who create[s] digital animations for reconstruction" who is also an "environmental scientist and former Israeli combat officer."

Schinnar is some other things too, having worked as a political cartoonist in Israel. And: "While I am a 62-year-old grandfather," he wrote in a wooing email to Lane, "I am in many ways a 26-year-old hybrid of Peter Pan and Don Quixote."

I've been trying to come up with a joke about that for the last five minutes and I can't, largely because up until about three years ago I always thought people were talking about a magical donkey.

Anyway, as for Lane: she is a woman who finds out that her daughter is engaged and then buys a wedding dress online. Granted, she got a sick deal (Arie must be proud!) finding a $7,200 dress that via the magic of the Internet she was able to locate in England for $250. I kind of want to call bullshit on that one, but more so I have to say that the phrase "a few more clicks of the mouse" reminds me of this:

Of course her daughter was all "mo-oommmm-ah!" and found her own dress for her own self, so when Schinnar proposed to Lane, what do you know! She had a dress to wear. And as if her daughter hasn't suffered enough, we get this line:

And so — you knew this was coming — on Dec. 18, there was Ms. Lane, a size 0, in the altered size 8 Antibes gown in her apartment overlooking Central Park, holding yellow roses and standing under a wedding canopy next to Dr. Schinnar, who was wearing a tuxedo and burgundy bow tie.

Sorry that you don't have your mother's Madonna arms, daughter!

Then they took dance lessons and in the video on the Times website you can watch them tango a lot and it's kind of awkward.

Not much else going on this week.

A senior editor at Golf Magazine got married in Hong Kong, and so perhaps he would enjoy this series.

In a plot straight out of a chick flick, an American girl in Italy met a local leather goods dealer who took her on a ride on his motorcycle.

Their picture is lovely in print but then I looked at it online and he appears to be wearing an unfortunate necklace that looks to be either a) a shark tooth or b) his name written on a piece of rice and put in a tiny jar. I hope it's B.

This week's face-off pits two Harvard pairs against one another in a long race to the middle.

Rachel Lu and Jimmy Gao

The couple "met at Harvard, from which they received law degrees": +9
They are a power-lawyer pair in Hong Kong: +2
Their wedding was at an estate in Hawaii and officiated by "a Church of Eternal Light" minister: +1
The bride graduated from Yale: +1

TOTAL: 13

Elizabeth Kaplow and David Hammer

"The bride and the bridegroom graduated cum laude from Harvard, where they met": +9
The bride is at Mount Sinai med school: +1
The groom works for Google, which will one day own us all: +1
The groom's mother is named Phyllis: +∞

TOTAL: ∞.

Anyway, the REAL winners are the couple in this wedding story. May you all meet your future spouses while tossing plush cows from rafters!

If you get married over Christmas though, I will end you.