America is a nation in need of healing. But no healing shall be had. Because two of our most important toothpaste manufacturers are locked in legal battle to the death over the future of nurdles. Nurdles on packages. Toothpaste packages.

Wrongfully terminated ex-USDA official Shirley Sherrod will sue the conservative malice-blogger Andrew Breitbart, she said at a conference today, for publishing a misleadingly edited clip of a speech she gave which made her, and the NAACP, look racist.

New York City agreed to pay over $7 million to settle a civil suit over the shooting death of Sean Bell, a 23-year-old man killed by police on his wedding day in 2006. His fiancee will receive $3.25 million. [NYDN]

The Coca-Cola Company has tried to have a lawsuit thrown out that claims Vitaminwater® is really just sugar water, but a federal court yesterday said the company has violated FDA regulations and will allow the lawsuit to proceed.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg finally spoke out on a Web designer's strange claim to own 84 percent of the social network. Zuckerberg says the lawsuit is insane, and a Facebook spokesman implied it's part of a shakedown attempt.

Mario Batali might be in hot water. Two ex-employees have filed a possible class-action suit against the celebrity chef, claiming that for years he's been underpaying workers and bilking them out of tips and overtime.

Two former employees have filed this class-action suit against celebrity chef Mario Batali and business partner Joseph Bastianich, accusing them of withholding tips and violating minimum wage and overtime laws.

Constance McMillen, the Mississippi teen who scared her school into canceling the prom because she wanted to bring her girlfriend, accepted $35,000 from the school district to settle a discrimination lawsuit. She'll use the money for college tuition. [AP]

The random designer trying to claim 84 percent of Facebook might have CEO Mark Zuckerberg's signature on a contract giving him the ownership stake. Facebook's courtroom admissions are making Paul Ceglia's claim sound a lot less insane.

Preppy fetishism: All fun and games till someone seeks damages. Kristen Kennis, the mysterious Benetton type on the cover of rock band Vampire Weekend's Contra, is suing the band, saying she never gave permission to use the 1983 photo. [TMZ]

Goldman Sachs has reached a $550 million settlement with the SEC over fraud charges. Everybody wins, kind of! Goldman's stock has shot up, and the SEC is excited to have achieved something for once.

A New York Supreme Court justice blocked Facebook from transferring any assets, so a wood pellet distributor from Wellsville, New York can press his case that he's the real inventor of the social network. This is crazy on many levels.

Boom! Mark Zuckerberg was served legal papers relating to a mysterious lawsuit at a fancy lunch in Sun Valley, Idaho yesterday. The sneaky server pretended to ask for Mark Zuckerberg's autograph before dropping the bomb.

Shawn Chapman Holley has announced she'll no longer be serving as Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney. (Apparently LiLo replaced her with this lady, "who was just admitted to the bar in November," per TMZ.) Also, LiLo may soon lose another lawsuit.

Lindsay Lohan is having a shitty day. Not only is she in court today for violating her parole, she got served with another lawsuit while she was in the elevator heading back to her hearing.

The Justice Department will officially sue over Arizona's immigration law, as soon as Tuesday.

A Chicago woman has filed suit against MTV, parent company Viacom, and Jersey Shore pugilists Snooki and JWOWW after the dynamic duo beat the snot out of her at a Miami club in what appears to be a territorial dispute.

A Michigan man filed a wrongful-termination suit against Wal-Mart after he was fired for failing a drug test. He was legally smoking pot to alleviate pain from an inoperable brain tumor. Who do you think a jury will sympathize with?

Apple is engulfed in at least four different federal lawsuits over reception problems with its new iPhone, as customers and their attorneys race to build class-action cases against the company. Angry customers, meanwhile, are reportedly swarming lawyers.