Has your child had trouble at school? Have you tried tutoring, extra homework time, and everything else you can think of, with little improvement? Relax. According to the latest research, your kid's fate is already sealed.

The whole field of philosophy is currently engaged in a self-referential argument over whether or not it is a "science," entirely because philosophers believe that being a "science" would get them more respect. Much of academia suffers from the same competitive affliction. Until now.

The Common Application, an online college application system used by Yale University, the University of Virginia, and more than 400 other schools, is limiting the space available for applicants' personal essays to 500 words. We are all bloggers now.

Hello, unidentified Malaysian dude who lives in Bintulu, Sarawak! We read with interest the news that you had contacted police, hoping they'd arrest the "invisible man" who was—according to a medium—"us[ing] black magic to take away [your] wife's 'soul' and rape her."

In my day, college grades were evenly distributed on a "curve," which was determined by...well who knows, we were all so blunted back then. The point is, you can now safely accuse kids these days of getting everything for free.

Northwestern University simply cannot stop being awesome. From getting drunk and hollering about blowjobs to throwing blackface Halloween parties to producing a little rapper by the name of Chet Haze, Northwestern University never does anything less than the most awesome thing to do in any given situation. That's why regular schools have "Human Sexuality" classes, but Northwestern University has HOT LIVE FUCKSAW demonstrations:

In Texas, school districts are so low on money that they're selling ads on school buses, thanks to the "largest cuts to public education since World War II." In New York, many school districts are staring down 14% budget cuts, which educators fear will "widen the funding gap between wealthier and poorer school districts." Federal student aid programs are in for multibillion-dollar cuts of their own. And among the parents of children in Manhattan's most exclusive private elementary schools, a separate, but equally pressing, worry: is Emma beating her peers, enough?

Do you care about children, the education of children, or the future of children, and our system for educating them? Then we have bad news for you. Lots of bad news.

Poor Comic Sans! The favorite font of administrative assistants and H.R. representatives everywhere is deeply hated by so-called "design nerds." But guess what, design nerds? Poor unpopular Comic Sans might actually have a beneficial use. Because it's so horrifically ugly.

The results are in: on a respected international standardized test, students in Shanghai beat the tar out of everyone in science, reading and math. The U.S. finished 23rd, 17th, and 32nd, respectively. Yea, well...Yao Ming is slow. [NYT]

Good news: fewer 'dropout factory' high schools! Bad news: more highly educated unemployed teenagers.

The president of Disney Channels Worldwide, the fearsomely named Carolina Lightcap, recently announced that the new Disney Junior channel, for kids ages 2-7, won't focus so much on academic education as social skills and behavior lessons. That's what moms want.

In the future, credit cards will be funner: they'll have buttons and batteries and "tiny lights" and all the bloopity bleep-bloop that you, the consumers, love. It will be that much more enjoyable to pay off your crushing college debt.

In NYC, two-thirds of primary schools saw their scores decline in progress reports. In Chicago, parents are holding a sit-in protest to save their children's after-school center. Only the suburban schools are properly educating kids. By treating them like idiots.

Happy first day of school! What do we have to complain about? All types of things! The schedule is stupid. The prices of school supplies are out of control. The bus is late. And hey, stop shooting us!

What's the problem with schools these days? Well, besides the racial performance gap, the out-of-control employees, and the city government takeovers, they just can't keep their most important stakeholders (the media) happy.

Since time immemorial, the job of a high school has been to see to it that kids get their god damn diploma and never come back. Now, someone wants to keep track of how those kids do later? Why?

Andrea Peyser is but a simple tabloid sex columnist. But she knows one thing: well, she doesn't know what she "knows," because that would be an epistemological question (epistemology=bad). But she's against filling kids' minds with trash like "thoughts."

Gender bias! Alien data! Virus art! Hard relaxing! Radical statins! Space water! And godless rotifers reproducing outside of the bounds of holy matrimony! It's your fact-based Science Watch, where we watch science—whether Jesus likes it or not!

Last week some patriotic Azle, TX residents caught heat from the liberal media for their "HISPANICS KEEP OUT" sign. On their private property! So intrepid Guanabee journalist Cindy Casares went and interviewed the nacho-loving(!) sign-poster. Cross-cultural lovefest ahead!