We knew something was up when on Friday, Mark, a glassy and far-away look in his eyes, pushed himself from his desk, quietly exited Defamer HQ, walked several blocks to a high-traffic intersection, then burst out into song as cars whizzed by him. (What song is not important, but if you guessed the shattering power-ballad "This Is The Moment" from Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical, you weren't wrong.) It was only once he started shedding himself of his clothes—this "infernal, eco-unfriendly human packaging!" as he referred to them—and chased a tabby cat through a neighboring yard that we began to suspect that what Mark needed, after three mostly uninterrupted years on the Defamer beat, was a vacation. And while we were concerned we wouldn't find something suitably relaxing at the last minute, as luck would have it, a Rosie O'Donnell Lesbian Family Fun Cruise was departing this morning for an Alaskan whale-watching expedition. Just what the doctor ordered!

Greetings, friends. Defamer associate editor Seth here, back from my week-long side-gig punching up the script for Feed The Bears II: The Bears Are Still Hungry!. I'm quite proud of my work, having significantly heightened the drama of the glutton-fetish original through the introduction of an interfaith couple, who struggle to indulge their lustiest bear appetites while adhering to strict religious dietary guidelines. The double-DVD set ("Disc 1: Milk," "Disc 2: Meat") should hit stores by September.

As is his wont, Defamer associate editor Seth gave me very little notice of the vacation he was embarking on beginning today, casually calling me up last night with the flimsy excuse that he'd accepted a week-long gig punching up the script for Feed The Bears II: The Bears Are Still Hungry!, a sequel to the ursine-glutton fetish classic rushed into production following the original film's unexpected exposure on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Whatever he's actually doing for the next seven days, I trust he will return refreshed next Monday, with plenty of amusing, completely fabricated stories about how the talent kept botching his favorite scene, in which two of his burly stars gnaw on opposite ends of a succulent watermelon.