ACTUALLY, Mr. Trump...

David Copperfield, the man who famously stole the Statue of Liberty in 1983 as a nation looked on in horror and disgust, wants to make a mockery of our American values yet again. David Copperfield wants Congress to officially recognize magic, the same magic that has caused both infinite hours of embarrassment and David Blaine, as “art.”

In an interview with ABC News, fossil-fuel tycoon and billionaire Republican financier Charles Koch said that he and his brother David would not attend the GOP convention in July. “Why go?” he asked. “We’re not interested in politics.”

Public Service Announcement: millions of men who have spent time in locker rooms wish to make it clear that the following is not an accurate account of male “locker-room talk.”

We know that Donald Trump voters don’t care about this stuff, but we feel compelled to briefly point out the fact that Donald Trump’s big debt reduction plan for our country is complete fiction that will not come true and also he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Future published author Kristin Cavallari announced on Instagram yesterday that her jewelry company Emerald Duv is having a “huge blowout sale.”

As we near ever closer to Kristin Cavallari’s literary debut and the sweet release of death, new details about the promotional schedule for Balancing in Heels have emerged. Today Kristin announced that she plans to embark on a cross-country “book tour” next month, making stops in “NYC, Chicago, and LA.”

Ted Cruz’s latest enemy hates him about as much as his own daughter does—and it’s not even another presidential candidate.

On Monday, Donald Trump claimed to have watched people jump to their deaths from the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001: “Many people jumped and I witnessed it, I watched that. I have a view—a view in my apartment that was specifically aimed at the World Trade Center.”

New poll: “13.9% of respondents said they had been polled on politics previously. Of those, 18.4% said they lied on a previous poll.” Stupid general public.

As long as people believe that Donald Trump built himself up from nothing, does it really matter that he was in fact born rich?

Sometimes we’re confronted with difficult truths about our heroes, America. And sometimes we’re blessed with incredible stories. On days like today—both. The New York Times reports that one of the stars of FXX comedy The League has been lying for years about juuust barely escaping the World Trade Center after the attacks on September 11. He was in Midtown, as it turns out.

The Republican presidential primary campaign is, to a large extent, a convention of white male fantasy enthusiasts. You say you can double economic growth, with magic? Well I can... triple it!

Chris Christie (campaign slogan: Telling It Like It Is) repeatedly told it like it factually is not during last night’s GOP debate, twice claiming that President Bush appointed him U.S. attorney one day before 9/11. That didn’t actually happen.

PETA says that an activist who participated in the group’s protests against mammal prison Sea World for years was actually a Sea World employee sent to infiltrate them. “Grab your pitch forks and torches. Time to take down SeaWorld,” the whale-torturing corporate whore wrote on Facebook at one point.

“I am proud to live in a country that has an African-American president,” swaggering moron and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry said last week. Impressed, black Americans? There’s more!

As cartoon plutocrat and sentient overripe pear Donald Trump officially entered the Republican presidential race Tuesday, he pointedly brandished a financial disclosure statement that asserts his net worth to be in the neighborhood of 9 billion dollars. How much is Trump really worth? If history is any guide, the safe answer is: much less than he says he does.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-John McCain’s sad shadow), a man loathed by conservatives for supporting immigration reform and loathed by non-conservatives for supporting all wars everywhere forever, is running for president. CNN reports that Graham “hopes that his track record on foreign affairs will give him the advantage in a wide-open primary fight.”

During a radio interview yesterday, Senator Rand Paul weighed in on the ongoing unrest in Baltimore. “I came through the train on Baltimore last night,” the Kentucky Republican and 2016 presidential candidate told conservative radio host Laura Ingraham. Chuckling, he added, “I’m glad the train didn’t stop.” There’s just one problem with Sen. Paul’s account: Every train traveling through Baltimore that night stopped at Baltimore’s Pennsylvania Station.

According to CNN, Dr. Oz will air a special episode of his show on Thursday striking back at a public letter that has accused the shit-filled man of being full of shit, promising his audience, “We will not be silenced, we will not give in.”