Last week's debut of Defamer Answers seemed to go reasonably well, with our survey of the phenomenon that is The Jonas Brothers provoking rich discussion among fans, enemies and baffled cultural observers alike. This week's edition finds us contemplating a far less-heated subject whose profile is surging nevertheless: Courtenay Semel, an entertainment industry scion and B-list lesbian whose exploits have landed her everywhere from reality TV to the interior of Lindsay Lohan's pants over the last three years. But her recent detention in Vegas after a drunken, assaultive visit to Caesar's Palace is what really compelled our consideration here: Who is this Hebrew hellcat, anyway? After the jump, learn everything worth knowing about Semel's climb to sort-of fame.I. KNOW YOUR SEMELS Courtenay, 28, is one of three daughters born to billionaire ex-Warner Bros/Yahoo! chief Terry Semel and Jane Bovingdon Semel, a former secretary to Susan George. She attended the Loomis Chaffee School in Windsor, Conn., before abandoning education for... we don't know. This is a historical gap we have yet to fill in; suggestions are welcome. Regardless, she's clearly been doing some philosophizing over the decades, culminating in the powerful declaration of principles held forth below: II. KNOW HER CANON Courtenay got her start in 1991, portraying the crucial role of "Bratty Kid" in the Bruce Willis flop Hudson Hawk. Her 2000 follow-up — the never-released indie thriller Sweetie Pie — is best known for a cast also including Paris Hilton, Whitestarr vocalist Cisco Adler and the offspring of Dustin Hoffman and Kelsey Grammer. Her "break" (and all of ours, really, if we're being honest) came when she was cast alongside childhood friend Kourtney Kardashian, George Foreman III, Fabian Basabe, Brittny Gastineau, Shanna Ferrigno and other nepotism all-stars on the 2005 E! series Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. The show featured Courtenay and Co. skipping the boilerplate South Beach coke getaways for a bit of reality-TV ranch-handery. Sadly, due in part to reasons listed below, it was not renewed for a second season. III. KNOW HER ACCOLADES Courtenay's otherworldly bitchy contribution to FR:CD was roundly commended by critics who cited her distinctive look ("like an overfed mutant chipmunk") and her performance as a "brattier, PMS’ing version of Haley Joel Osmond [sic]" — outmaneuvering even Basabe as the worst human being the show had to offer. Word is her father was happy with the performance in Hudson Hawk as well, but as of press time he has not responded to Defamer's requests for official comment. IV. KNOW HER STYLE Spoiled lipstick-lesbian chic, at once aggressively designed and thoroughly disposable — all spangles, trash, heels and hair.

Fedora fanatic Samantha Ronson performed her best Al Bundy impression as she tagged along with good friend Lindsay Lohan on yet another shopping trip. Ronson was quick to specify that their shopping trip would not involve any more attempts to make her appear more "girly." As she reflected upon the failure of her recent makeover, Lohan released a disappointed sigh. Lohan said, "I tried. I really did. But it's like they say, you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Ronson quickly quipped back, "Why change horses midstream?" The twosome began to trade old proverbs and quotes from Benjamin Franklin for over ten minutes before they reached a compromise and planned a trip to go sneaker shopping on Fairfax Ave.

Sporting crisp white jeans and a v-neck shirt, Samantha Ronson took her invisible pitbull on a walk in Larchmont with gal pal Lindsay Lohan. Lohan appeared to be extremely receptive, nearly beaming with pride over Ronson's mini-makeover from black jeans and rock tees. Lohan said, "The summer is over in a couple of weeks, but it's great to see Sammy finally embrace it. And she's also ready for the fall with the cute flannel." Lohan did not want to get her hopes up, but she believed that this is a step in the right direction for Ronson and that a shopping trip to Hollister is probably in their near future.

Congratulations are in order for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, who married Saturday night in an intimate ceremony held on the grounds of their California home. The brides both wore Zac Posen and exchanged handwritten vows promising to love each other "in sickness and in health, for as long as no pesky cameramen get in the way." Attendance was capped at 19, all the better to exclude potential wedding crasher Barbara Walters. Still, the lesbian goddess giveth with one hand while she takes away with the other, for no sooner did the two marry than details of a sapphic Hollywood breakup emerged involving the famously "gone gay" Lindsay Lohan.

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi officially tied the knot in front of 20 guests at their Beverly Hills home on Saturday, exchanging handwritten vows and Neil Lane rings. Ellen wore a pants suit; De Rossi opted for a Zac Posen gown. [NYP]

So remember how heiress Courtenay Semel made out with reality TV star Tila Tequila in a bar recently, and famous lesbian couple Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson sat there laughing at them the whole time? No?? Your loss. Anyway, the whole thing is sort of funny in retrospect, because it turns out Lohan dated Semel before she famously edged out of the closet recently with public displays of affection for Ronson. And Ronson kind of stole Lohan away, according to a salacious British tabloid report:

Former child actress Lindsay Lohan is defending her kid sister, reality TV actress Ali Lohan, against rumors that the youngster has had breast augmentation surgery. When someone posed the question, Linds ripped the bounder apart on her Myspace page. "It made me feel a bit sick to my stomach," she wrote. "My response simply was, 'Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14-year-old girl, and you are a pedophile!'" She then goes on to stand up for her mom.

Popular internet personality Lindsay Lohan left the grand opening of Apple Lounge with the aid of a handsome, unidentified man on Thursday night. Lohan's life long chum/personal DJ, Samantha Ronson, was shocked to see her personal Peppermint Patty walking hand-in-hand with another person. Ronson then approached the man, readjusted her hat and asked, "'Ey yo! Bro, where you going with my peppermint? I mean do you have permission to touch my peppermint?" Lohan told Sam to chillax and that the man was just helping her out of the lounge and everything will be cool once they share a smoke.

• Lindsay Lohan is either converting to Judaism for Samantha Ronson, Ivanka Trump style, or about to leave her for a man.

• Christian Bale is set to get a "caution" about his alleged assault on his Mom and sister in London, but only if he admits guilt first. Comedian Russell Brand: "In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom."

If the recent VMAs promo made you wonder "Who's the Brit next to Brit-Brit?", then meet Russell Brand. We asked the British funnyman (and Forgetting Sarah Marshall star) to sit down with us in an effort to prove his pop culture bona fides before hosting the VMAs on September 7. Already a famous ladykiller in the U.K., can Brand prove equally charming as the emcee of MTV's biggest event? We solicited his thoughts on Miley Cyrus, Christian Bale, and hermaphrodite presidents in a bid to find out. DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience. RUSSELL: Right. DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each. RUSSELL: OK!

• John Mayer dumped Jennifer Aniston after the actress pushed him for "a timetable" and to promise not to tour so much when they eventually make babies together. (Sounds clingy.) There was a trial split first. Aniston was said "furious" initially but now is pretending that she's "already dating someone else in LA."

• Sad Tori Spelling is un-joining the 90210 spinoff because she's making like half as much as Shannen Doherty. Which is unfair because Spelling wrote a bestseller! Wait, really? (Yes. Sigh.) [Deadline Hollywood]

A dejected Lindsay Lohan moped around after a less than stellar shopping trip in Los Angeles. Lohan accompanied long time companion Samantha Ronson on the trip to celebrate the Queen Of The Fedoras' 31st birthday. Lohan wanted to end the birthday trip as soon as she discovered that the shopping center contained no stores that sold Lohan's life fuel: cigarettes and leggings. Using her "But, It's My Birthday" trump card, Ronson continued to shop as Lohan sulked along.

How sweet! Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson now have matching heart-shaped tattoos on their hands. It's forever! At least until they break up and Dr. Will Kirby comes to the rescue. [E!]

Lindsay "The Dragon" Lohan made many Miami shopkeepers very nervous as she strolled along with lifetime companion Samantha Ronson and the rest of the Ronson family. Lohan appeared to be emitting more smoke than usual, perhaps due to the stress of meeting Ronson's family. Not even a trip to the American Apparel store could quell the dragon's nerves.

Did you catch Anderson Cooper on Live! With Regis And Kelly this morning? If you did, you got something of look inside the CNN heartthrob's conflicted soul. First Cooper said his favorite Project Runway contestant is the one who's really into leather — heh. Then came a long stretch where Cooper really couldn't stop himself from revealing more and more of his involuntary obsession with the with the "atrocious... trainwreck" of a reality show Living Lohan. Cooper said actress Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina and sister Ali are "horrific people," with Ali set to become a "striptease person" (well, of course). But he can't look away — Cooper even makes time for the show while reporting in a warzone. And don't we all sorta feel that way about reality television? This is why Anderson Cooper is America's Secret Boyfriend. Fall in love with him all over again after the jump.

[Lindsay Lohan, whose twin sister died during the filming of "The Parent Trap," in Miami today; image via Splash]

• If nothing else, all this new Heath Ledger investigation press may help generate interest, to the extent that's possible, in the Olsen Twins' coffee table book in which they interview their influences. [Scoop - third item]

• Mary-Kate Olsen's lawyer said she had nothing to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger's home or his body. The feds don't seem to be entirely satisfied, though, because they've now planning to get a subpoena to force Mary-Kate to testify. [NYP]