• Tiger Woods released a statement this morning: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. [TMZ]
• One thing that may have pushed Tiger to finally issue the apology: While Rachel Uchitel didn't want to cop to hooking up with Woods, two other women turned up to take her place yesterday. A 24-year-old waitress named Jaimee Grubbs appeared with tawdry text messages from Woods to back up her story. (Sample: "I will wear you out!") And a Vegas club manager came out to say she's been having an affair with him "for some time." [Us, NYP, NYDN]
• Tiger won't face criminal charges for crashing his SUV outside his Florida home. He's getting a traffic ticket and may pay a $164 fine. [Us]
• Bill Clinton is pumped his daughter Chelsea is marrying investment banker Marc Mezvinsky because, Bill says, Marc is a "great human being." Not only that, but when Hillary is traveling, Chelsea and Marc take pity on poor old Bill and take him to dinner and the movies. [People]
• Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich just bought a $90 million estate in St. Barts and now everyone is expecting him to throw the "It" Christmas party of the year. No word on whether the Salahis were invited. Not that the lack of an invite will stop them from attending anyway, of course. [P6]

• Madonna's trip to Israel is over. And it sounds like it was quite the party. Her entourage occupied a total of 11 suites and 25 hotel rooms; she brought her Italian chef with her as well as all her own exercise equipment aboard her private jet; and she received the sort of reception typically reserved for visiting presidents. Fun! [NYP]
• Michael Jackson's burial is finally scheduled to take placed today in Glendale, Calif. [MSNBC]
• DJ AM's burial took place in LA yesterday. Travis Barker, Scott Caan, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and members of Crazy Town turned up for the small service. In related news, although Goldstein didn't leave a will, he left behind about $1 million in assets. [Us, TMZ, People]
• The filming of the Sex and the City sequel has been getting a little chaotic, since fans have been turning up in droves at the locations. Fortunately, Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Noth remain unarmed. And extra security has supposedly been hired. [NYDN]

Mad fans want a piece of Sarah Jessica Parker. Mad ladies want Jon Gosselin. And Ashley Dupre's mad at the haters. Rise and shine! Here's your Thursday morning Gossip Roundup!

Rupert Murdoch turns 78 today. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is turning 73. Joel and Benji Madden are 30. Sam Donaldson is turning 75. Famed attorney David Boies is 68. Finance exec Alexandra Lebenthal is 45. Real estate broker Robby Browne is 61. Jesse Jackson, Jr. is turning 44. Singer Lisa Loeb is turning 41. Terrence Howard is 40. Actress Thora Birch is turning 27. Bobby McFerrin is turning 59. Director Jerry Zucker is 59. Rapper Paul Wall is 28. Johnny Knoxville is 38. And Long Island's very own Joey Buttafuoco is celebrating his 53rd birthday today.

• Kate Moss has been telling friends that she wants to branch out into acting so she can become a "Hollywood star," and that she's already lined up an agent in New York. [Showbiz Spy]
• Michael Phelps has issued an apology after photos appeared this weekend in the News of the World showing him smoking weed. [NYP, NOTW]
• Bernie Madoff's grandkids are considering changing their last names. [P6]
• John Thain was hardly the first or the last: Clive Davis, Martin Bandier, and Rolf Schmidt-Holtz have all spent obscene amounts in recent years to redecorate their offices, too. [R&M]
• Despite the fact her magazine is losing millions and has laid off dozens, Portfolio's Joanne Lipman insisted on flying first class to Davos. [P6]

Small songstress Lilly Allen Wears Bo-Peep Costume, Exposes Curds and Whey [Daily Mail]

Bespectacled one-hit-wonder Lisa Loeb is guest blogging on the Jewish magazine Forward's advice website thing starting next Monday. Per Forward: "Lisa Loeb first tugged on America's heartstrings in 1994 with her chart-topping single "Stay (I Missed You)." Since then, the Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter with the signature eyeglasses has been turning out albums of sweet pop gems. In 2006, she released "The Very Best of Lisa Loeb." 22 Versions of "Stay"! Ha! No but seriously, here are five questions not to ask Lisa Loeb come Monday.