• Reps for Madonna and Alex Rodriguez claim the two are "just friends." They just happen to be the kind of friends who have secret rendezvouses at their apartments until midnight. The day after having a baby. [NYP]

The Post is calling foul on Madonna's denials of a relationship with Alex Rodriguez. They say A-Rod paid a visit to Madge's Central Park West apartment the night after his wife gave birth in April, but maybe he was just going to study some Torah. Turns out the Yankee has been visiting Kabbalah centers in Florida, and may be interested in learning more about Madonna's shekinah. The Post notes that Madonna has "trained" with a lot of athletes, including Jose Canseco and Dennis Rodman. We'd also point out that Dominican Rodriguez fits in a lot more with the physical trends of Madge's dating past than pasty Guy Ritchie does. Madonna's spokeswoman assures us, "There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce." Of course not. [Post]

We can't wait for tomorrow's New York Post, so here's the tabloid treatment of Madonna's possible affair with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. Photoshop by Jim Cooke (left) and Steven Dressler (below). The headline's from Deadspin's A.J. Daulerio, unless he stole it from someone else. Here are some other suggestions from Daily Intel and Best Week Ever. Can you trump them? Try-in the comments.

All those rumors about Madonna and Guy Ritchie possibly getting a divorce? Not to worry: Madonna's flack, Liz Rosenberg, says publicly that "There are no divorce plans." But wait—is that the same Liz Rosenberg who assured everyone in 2006 that Madonna was not adopting a baby in Malawi? Yes it is! That would be a confirmed lie, meaning that Rosenberg gets added to our always-open list of lying flacks—we've handily numbered seven of them for you, after the jump:

But what of little David Banda? For whatever reasons, that was our first reaction to rumors that the marriage of conical-bra-popularizer Madonna to lad-flick director Guy Ritchie was all but over. Well, when we actually stop to think about it, we can figure out the reasons: Lourdes and Rocco are half Ciccone—meaning their DNA is hardwired to withstand just about anything life could throw at them. What's more, were there a divorce, the two elder siblings could access their respective biological dads at virtually any moment with little more than an international mobile calling plan. But not little David: His known world would be splintered apart, one parent flouncing off to the country of hot dogs and baseball, the other staying put in bangers-and-cricket land. His real dad, meanwhile, was a world away, catching glimpses of the domestic unrest in his local Malawian celebrity tabloid, and second-guessing all the while his decision to sell his son to the global pop icon for a year's salary and a signed copy of "The Immaculate Collection." We prayed—oh, how we prayed!—that somehow these two would make it work. Clearly, God hates us:

Having put the Obamas on one of last month's covers in despair at the absence of celebrity gossip, Us Weekly finally has a genuine celebrity scoop. In a new issue on newsstands tomorrow, the magazine reports that New York Yankee baseball player Alex Rodriguez has been making late-night visits to Madonna's apartment on Central Park West. (OK! has much the same basic story but highlights the two supposed lovers' gym trysts.) The singer, 49, is said to have consulted a lawyer about divorce from her husband of seven years, film director Guy Ritchie; Alex Rodriguez, known to sports fans as A-Rod, would have been eight years old when Madonna released her first hit, Lucky Star.

• Is Madonna have a secret romance with Alex Rodriguez? The two have been spending late nights together at her apartment and they've been spotted working out together, too. Rodriguez's wife Cynthia can't be pleased by any of this. [Us]

• A reporter from Glamour had to spend time with Lauren Conrad and says she's "shockingly well spoken" and shy. Is everything we know about The Hills a lie? Is Lo Bosworth not a shrill manipulating shrew? [Glamour]

• Good to know that even though Madonna and Guy Ritchie's relationship is on the rocks, their spiritual lives remain intact. Madonna spent the weekend in New York and attended the Kabbalah center in Midtown on Friday and Saturday; Guy paid a visit to the center in London. [People]

Despite tons of tabloid speculation that Madonna and director Guy Ritchie are divorcing-she's been seen around NYC without her wedding ring or her husband!-Ritchie's mother is having none of it. Lady Amber Leighton is telling the gossips to STFU and declaring that the terror couple is just dandy. "It is absolute rubbish, worse than that. Guy will be furious at me talking to you, but I feel I can't just let these reports go unanswered as they make me so angry and they are hurtful intrusions into their private lives."

Just a few days ago, we outlined our top three reasons as to why Madonna and her (current) husband Guy Ritchie will never be having "incredible sex" again. Well, it seems that we can now add a fourth reason to that list — Madonna has reportedly enlisted the counsel of top notch British lawyer solicitor Fiona Shackleton. Before you dismiss "Steel Magnolia" (no really, that's her nickname) as being nothing more than the English version of Arnie Becker, it's worth noting that she is the tiny, dental-hygiene-challenged island's highest profile divorce litigator, having negotiated both Prince Charles' and Paul McCartney's divorce (the latter of whom left his case $50 million poorer). However, lest you think that Madge is driving this lorry all by her lonesome, it's worth noting that Guy Ritchie seems to be just as fed up with Madonna as she is with him. Quoth The Daily Mail:

"Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who ensured that Sir Paul McCartney retained all but £24.3 million of his £825 million fortune, has been lined up by the 49-year-old pop star. Madonna, whose fortune is estimated at £300 million, is understood to be seeking legal advice on a possible divorce from her husband of seven years, the film director Guy Ritchie." [Times of London]

• Lovebirds Uma Thurman and Arpad "Arki" Busson are engaged. The Swiss financier gave her an enormous ring (so big that Uma "can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat"), which Uma promptly showed off to friends at a party Thursday night and they're now planning the wedding. [NYDN]

• Raffaello Follieri will miss the monster 30th birthday bash he planned for himself in Capri this weekend, which he'd hoped would reunite him with Anne Hathaway. Instead, he'll probably spend the big day in jail unless, that is, he magically comes up with $21 million in bail money in the next 24 hours. [NYDN]

• Sad Anne Hathaway had been shopping for homes with her scummy Italian boyfriend Rafaello Follieri right before the movie starlet finally realized she had to dump the loser. She told InStyle, for next month's issue: "If we get a house as opposed to an apartment, the first two floors will be a bit more traditional for him to be able to receive people, and the top two floors will be whatever I want." [P6]

• Anne Hathaway's ex, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested yesterday, as you may have heard. Things haven't improved much behind bars. He's already been hospitalized (he collapsed) and tested positive for drugs (opiates). His lawyer is still in the process of rounding up the $16 million he needs to make bail. We can just imagine the awkward convo he's having with Anne today. [NYP]

The seven-year itch has reportedly struck the unusually long and strong union between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, but news of the split isn’t exactly sending anyone into shock. It was only three years ago when Madonna practically divorced her frostylocks husband on television, telling the world in an MTV documentary that she “wanted to end everything,” and that Guy hadn’t lived up to whatever S&M-loving, hotel room-wrecking ideal she’d “imagined him to be.” But we’re not so sure the soft-spoken director of speedy-spoken indie flicks was necessarily the problem child in this couplet. Considering Madonna’s behavior over the past year or so, scented ever so slightly with desperation and Justin Timberlake’s ass cheeks, we came up with three of the most likely reasons we think the love story went sour:

Is baby-daddy Carlos Leon a lover of little ladies who look like little laddies? Two stalkers seem to think so. Also, is he a cheapskate?

• Amy Winehouse performed for $2 million at an art gallery opening in Moscow, where she was either well-behaved and "totally lucid," or wobbling, sloppy, and not wearing underwear, depending on what you read. [Style.com/Rush & Molloy]

• Maybe Barack Obama surprised Scarlett Johansson with a bunch of long emails because her brother, Hunter, works for him. Uh, sure. [P6]