• Jose Canseco says Madonna once tried to marry him and have his baby, so she could give daughter Lourdes a Cuban sibling with great genes. He joins Dennis Rodman on the would-be Madonna baby-daddy list. [NYDN]

With her name being dragged through Yankee Stadium's muddy infield, Madonna and family are doing their best to focus on work—husband Guy Ritchie hunched over Final Draft putting the finishing "Oi Oi"s on his lad-flick take on Sherlock Holmes, and she, jodhpurs-deep in rehearsals for her upcoming Sticky & Sweet Tour. (Not to be confused with Flavor Flav's Crispity & Crackily Tour.) But how, really, to top the mirror-tiled disco-crucifixion sequence from her last tour? By blowing herself up to several stories high and getting slutty with her most famous stunt-lesbian co-star, Britney Spears. From The Sun:

• Alterna-socialite Arden Wohl was arrested for writing "Ralphy Lipshits" on the front of a Ralph Lauren boutique in lipstick. That's a variation on the designer's real name of "Ralph Lipschitz" and a dumb thing to do while wearing a headband (which, face it, she almost certainly was), which is probably the clue that allowed police to track Wohl down after she made her drawing. Oh, she also stole some miniature American flags. [P6]

• After weeks of battling in court, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook negotiated a "surprise" settlement last night, which they announced at 6 AM this morning. Many of the details are still fuzzy—they'll explain more when they get to court this morning—but custody will likely stay as is, and Christie will likely retain ownership of most of the couple's properties. [NYP]

We realize it's challenging to keep up with this whole A-Rod/ Madonna/ affair/ divorce/ something-about-Lenny Kravitz business, a convoluted celebrity love-polygon which we wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn also involved Gary Coleman, Eliot Spitzer, and a Coors Light Twin. Still, you wouldn't want to be caught at some swanky dinner party filled with effete liberal elites and not have your talking points straight. Here's a round-up of the latest:
· A personal trainer present at the exact moment Kravitz learned he was embroiled in the primordial tabloid ooze said he "looked like he was going to throw up." The link between he, Madonna, and A-Rod is manager Guy Oseary, who told Kravitz he was going to "pimp out" the singer and Yankee. Whatever that means, Kravitz disapproved of it, and fired the manager a couple weeks later. He claims to have never had an affair with Cynthia Rodriguez; this was just a retaliatory smear campaign. [NY Post]

• Lenny Kravitz thinks the rumor about him having an affair with the wife of Yankees star Alex Rodriguez originated with his conniving, now-fired manager. A furious Madonna, meanwhile, is trying to muzzle the same wife's lawyer for insinuating she had "an affair of the heart" with Alex.

Madonna's epic reputation as a racy, sexual icon who lives life with "no regrets" has encountered a few speed bumps in recent years. The transition from Material Girl to Earth Mother circa Ray Of Life in 1998 marked the most significant rupture to her free-wheeling Erotica-encapsulated days of drugs, sex, and whispered rock 'n roll, an "epiphany" she credited to Kabbalah. But after the ethereal schtick grew tired, the older but not necessarily wiser Madge launched a campaign to reclaim her It Girl Woman cred by slipping Christina and Britney some tongue, spreading her legs for Hard Candy, and using that handy Husband Emasculation method perfected by Katherine Heigl to resurrect her old identity as a shockworthy icon of sorts. And after hearing just what kind of "sordid" revelations await us in her estranged brother's tell-all memoir Life With My Sister Madonna, we don't think Madge's reps should even bother issuing a denial about Christopher Ciccone's book. Anecdotes about same-sex makeout sessions, drug parties with studio execs, and straight-edge Guy Ritchie's alleged "homophobic" tendencies, all of which actually add up to a convincing pro-Madonna campaign...

Anna Wintour and Bee Shaffer leaving Marni on Mercer Street ... Molly Shannon on a morning jog through the West Village ... Alex Rodriguez slipping out the side entrance at Trump Park Avenue ... Adrian Grenier and new girlfriend Isabel Lucas waiting for baggage at LAX ... Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony shopping at Pucci in Italy ... Seal, sans Heidi Klum, leaving the Four Seasons in Prague ... Meryl Streep, completely covered up in a jacket, scarf, and hat, walking near the water in Sydney ... Gwyneth Paltrow getting out of an SUV in front of Gemma where she met up with Madonna for lunch ... Blake Lively and Penn Badgley stopping to take photos with fans during a stroll through SoHo ... Nas talking on a cell phone as he left Da Silvano.

Who is Madonna dating these days? Isn't she married to some failed British movie director? Or is she sleeping with that irksome baseball player? These are all very important, and understandable, questions. The iconic singer and fake Englishwoman has dated many, many mens (and some womens) over the years. It can be hard to keep track of them all. Luckily, in a fit of boredom, our video man Richard Blakeley has put together a handy little chart as a refresher course in Madge's topsy-turvy love life. She's been with some wackos! Or maybe she herself is the wacko. The edifying chart lies after the jump.

• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively — woops, sorry, her people, since she refuses to even look at it or something — is/are supposedly pissed at Seventeen over how she looks on the cover, because it looks nothing like her (too distinctive/memorable? Not bland enough??). They love her Vanity Fair and Cosmo covers, though. [Post]

For the first time in our country's history, the epicenter of America's commemorative period of fireworks and independence appears to have shifted to Miami. There, we've learned, the intercoital clusterfuck of Madonna, Alex Rodriguez, Lenny Kravitz and Guy Ritchie has reached its nadir with a Rodriguez divorce now officially on the way — freeing the Yankees slugger to (allegedly) pursue whatever pop paramour his heart desires. Except Madonna and Ritchie are still in matrimonial business — literally — and apparently will be for a while.

Alex Rodriguez's beleaguered wife Cynthia is quickly on her way to becoming the Yankee star's ex-wife: She filed for divorce in Miami this morning. (The divorce docs are here.) Cynthia's trip to the courthouse caps off a busy weekend for the former couple. Cynthia returned from Paris (where she was staying with Lenny Kravitz!) and got down to business, hiring a team of high-priced divorce attorneys; for her part, Madonna issued a statement denying that she and Alex Rodriguez have ever been romantically involved and said she has no plans to divorce her own husband, Guy Ritchie. Madonna's denial came after the news had surfaced over the weekend that the pop star had inducted the Dominican-born star into the cult of Kabbalah, which immediately escalated into a series of bizarre reports: Madonna supposedly used Kabbalah to brainwash A-Rod into believing they're soulmates, and A-Rod's former trainer said that the slugger only listens to Madonna's music while he drives and goes "into a trance" if her videos come on at the gym.

• The daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, Courtenay, is dating the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, Casey. Semel used to date Lindsay Lohan, Johnson used to date a dude, until he was "snatched" away by her aunt. [P6]

· Corey Haim spent an entire segment of The Two Coreys surfing the Defamer comment section and walked away emotionally damaged. But darker days are looming ahead.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to the Chosen Twins! No wait, it was just another false alarm.
· McLovin and some starlets, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some little McLovins in a baby carriage! But wait, watch out for that lightning storm!
· Madonna's frosty marriage to Guy Ritchie came thisclose to breaking down this week when reports surfaced that she's been fielding grounders from New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. And Lenny Kravitz has something to do with it.
· Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. But don't fret! There's a Friends movie on the way (maybe).
· We wished the happiest of happy birthdays to Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise.
· We busted out our long lost graphing calculator and got all scientific on your asses by examining the comedic rise and fall of Mike Myers.
· Nude Nicole Kidman vs. the fully clothed Katie Holmes proved to be an uneven fight.
· Fanboys from sea to shining sea creamed their collective jeans when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green. Brett Ratner called dibs and already has some erotic literature ready for their first date.
· Denise Richards carefully explained to her 13-year-old nephew exactly what a threesome is.
· At long last, anal lubricant got the recognition it so justly deserves.

If you've looked at the Internet at all this past week, you've probably gleaned that there's something going on with Madonna, Guy Ritchie, A-Rod and, most recently, Lenny Kravitz. A lot has happened in a very short time and, quite possibly, many of you haven't been able to keep up. But don't feel ashamed, that's what we're here for! Just read our handy dandy guide to the action after the jump and you'll have plenty to talk about at your 4th of July BBQ.

• This story is getting messier by the minute: It seems Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia has been in Paris where she's been hooking up with Lenny Kravitz while her husband may or may not be involved with Madonna. The only one not getting any, it seems, is Guy Ritchie. [NYP]

Supposedly, the Yankee player's wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, is in Paris with Lenny Kravitz right now. Fun fact? Kravitz and rumored A-Rod lover Madonna used to hook up, as well. Another fun fact? Kravitz has been practicing celibacy for the last three years. Confused by all these facts? Check out our handy chart.

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos eating lunch outside at Pastis before riding off together on a white Vespa and later picking up the kids up from school ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her West Village townhouse in a Prius ... Vanessa Minnillo taking a walk around SoHo with her dog Wookie ... Agyness Deyn strolling through SoHo ... Guy Ritchie walking to the Mandarin Oriental ... Chloe Sevigny eating lunch at Le Pain Quotidien in West Hollywood ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts in Paris ... Anna Wintour checking out the Armani fashion show ... Naomi Campbell and Marcus Elias smooching on the back of a yacht in St. Tropez.

People magazine has always been sickeningly nice in its celebrity coverage-it interprets kid-glove coverage as "respectability" in the generally not-nice celebrity news world. They've even crowned Anne Hathaway a "princess" for finally breaking up with her con man boyfriend, for chrissake. Part of the problem is editor Peter Castro, last seen here partying it up in the Bahamas on the corporate dime while the rest of the company crumbled. Shady anonymous whisperers tell us he likes to suckle at the teat of Madonna, figuratively!

Yankees player Alex Rodriguez's nickname, A-Rod, is already so delightfully phallic! Sadly, when choosing a headline to reveal his affair with Madonna, the tabloids went with hackneyed baseball metaphors instead. The Daily News wonders if A-Rod got to "first base;" meanwhile, the Post announces a "squeeze play." (Here's our headline suggestion from yesterday.)