If you are a member of the savvy “millennial” generation you stand for two things: authenticity, and hipness. And you know god damn well in your little black hearts that no bank is more authentic—and hip—than Bank of America.

Bad yogurt company Chobani, whose product is to “Greek yogurt” what fermented urine is to champagne, has stooped to an outrageous, sexy new low in trying to distract the public from the taste of its pasty goo.

Before you run your mouth on Twitter, think to yourself: would I be okay with some scared intern in digital marketing using my own words to sell their dumb product? That’s what happened to this young woman. Beware!

The “millennial” generation loves nothing more than advertising, except for allegedly humorous “Vines” that they force you to watch on their iPhones, at parties, which is inappropriate. The point is: advertisers are over millennials and their bullshit.

The internet is full of “video ads” that some highly paid corporate marketing officer paid tons of money to some advertising firm to produce. Nobody is watching that shit.

Hey readers, did you hear the news that fancy grocery chain Whole Foods is going to open a new chain of stores targeting millennials?

“Virtually no one in the survey said the ad industry acts with integrity; it was ranked at the bottom of the list of other industries including financial institutions, the legal profession, the pharmaceutical industry and the newspaper industry.” Even below Congress.

It seems that “Big Food” will never truly understand the desires of you, the regular American consumer, who just wants a tasty dang hot dog, is that too much to ask after a hard day?? A little flavor??

Vice is a company that would like you to think it is cool all of the time. In fact, Vice is only cool when it does stories about Ebola and stuff. It is not so cool when it tries to be the cool face of Bank of America, which would like to rip you off.

Now more than ever, America is truly a cultural melting pot (or at least a cauldron). In less than 30 years, whites will lose their majority, and we will be a nation composed solely of minorities. How will America cope? By marketing, of course.

As the trade winds that blow across the seas are always in flux, so too are the diaper-buying trends of parents around the world. A powerful metaphor? Yes.

Companies will spend $540 billion globally on advertising this year, an amount greater than the gross domestic product of Argentina. Monetize yourself better, Argentina. You're an embarrassment.

Though I enjoy a good slice of American Cheez Food Product as much as the next unsophisticated child, I would not be so bold as to declare that product to be "healthy." Prestigious nutritionists bound to differ!

Okay, well, now Starbucks is planning on starting a national dialogue on race that will consist of talking to your Starbucks barista, about race. What are you doing, Starbucks? What? Are? You doing?

SXSW, Austin's annual sticky-floored music industry sport coat and jeans cocaine marathon, wherein bands willingly exhaust themselves playing garbage sets for little or no money, deriving sustenance from tacos and the hope of "exposure," features a McDonald's showcase this year. And, no doy, they aren't paying.

If you ever reach the soothing point of equilibrium at which it is possible to stop feeling that the advertising industry is constantly manipulating you, I encourage you to stop and consider this new ad campaign for skin care for 20somethings—who are, let's face it, looking a little decrepit.

Here is an email illustrating how brands (Sprite, in this case) pay off reporters and bloggers with free stuff as a direct quid pro quo for coverage. There's also some info about a TOP SECRET Drake and Nas concert we would like to share.

McDonald's, the molded plastic king of America's molded plastic cuisine, has decided that money will no longer suffice to purchase its meager offerings; the company now demands that you degrade yourself in order to be fed.

The University of Moncton in New Brunswick, Canada is famous for one thing: hot, hot students grabbing each other passionately in lustful embraces all over campus. Why can't the teachers "get with" that?

If you are the sort of person who believes that it would be nice if musical artists would not always become paid shills for various brands—and you're probably not, judging by the world we live in today—you will not want to hear this.