“Sprite,” the sweet nectar that is sucked from the veins of rappers by advertising industry vampires, has claimed another victim.

Do you enjoy the exquisite thrill of the hunt? Do you crave the visceral experience of—using nothing more than your wits and a weapon—stalking the most dangerous game of all: cow?

The yogurt business is not the happy field of pleasant cows that you might imagine. It’s a seething hive of trickery, con jobs, and hustlers who will go to almost any length to make you, the consumer, forget that you are eating bad yogurt.

When it comes to shelf-stable macaroni and cheese products, today’s consumers expect a premium brand offering a premium product. That’s what makes it so exciting to be alive in the United States of America in 2016.

An ad agency in London owned by Vice Media is now doing work for the tobacco giant Philip Morris International, the world’s most popular cigarette manufacturer.

Last week, Gawker received an anonymous tip attempting to stoke moral outrage within at least one of us, in hopes that we’d share it with the world. We receive quite a few tips of this nature, but the difference here was that the outrage was so obviously counterfeit, and so clearly calculated to get us to promote the object of that counterfeit outrage.

“Yogurting” is the new advertising term being adopted by a brand of smoothies, meant to indicate that “You don’t even need a spoon” to consume the thin, milky gruel. I guess anything can call itself yogurt these days. Good yogurt requires a spoon.

In corporate America, the most persistent refuge of outright charlatanism is “branding.” The only thing more offensive to honesty than a “rebranding” campaign is a breathless feature story about a rebranding campaign.

In one short month, Vice Media’s new cable network “Viceland” will launch. It has a business model that could revolutionize television advertising.

You, the consumer, are not a scientist. Nor are you a trained chef, a biologist, a doctor, or even a rational person. Nevertheless, you are purchasing only “natural” food.

People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.

Imagine the predicament of the Harley-Davidson Corporation: every paunchy middle-aged biker dude already owns your product. Where to find sales growth? Ladies? Hello?

If Donald Trump wins the presidency, he will have a job for four years. If not, he may not have a job ever again.

People in the USA are fed up with these Washington politicians who don’t care about folks like us. We want to be led by those we really believe in: brands.

A new PR firm trend report says marketers will soon stop targeting millennials as a single group and “focus on reaching the younger consumers based on their passions.” What does this mean? Nothing, because PR trend reports are 100% bullshit. Stupid sellout millennials.

Now there is a product for sale called “Protein Cheerios” and—surprise—it is not a good source of protein, for you, the consumer.

A white marketing dude has lost his job after posting a Facebook photo with his coworker’s 3-year-old son, who is black, and joining his cool and fun friends in making racist jokes calling the boy “Sambo,” “slave,” and “Kunta Kinte,” among other things.

*******PRECIOUS SILENCE*******

AirBnB’s new advertising slogan is “Is Mankind?” Dumb as hell. Give me a break. There are many better slogans courtesy of the Gawker.com staff.

“Three Hidden Reasons Why Brands Struggle with Authenticity.” All three reasons are “Brands are illusory constructs built upon a foundation of cynicism for whom the concept of ‘authenticity’ is wholly nonsensical,” but it doesn’t say that in Ad Age for some reason.