Tomorrow night, a TV ratings battle for the ages. Two dogs, on two different networks, will attempt to save Christmas. In doing so, they will demonstrate the completely brainsucking, disturbingly palpable lack of originality in television programming. New lows, ahead.

Cannibals will soon roam the earth, as will comedians. Jennifer Aniston and dogs are Mother Nature's favorite creations. Audrina Patridge will never, ever die. Your in-town-for-pilot-season friend will never, ever leave.

The Holidays™ are over. We hope yours ended on a lighter note than ours did—curling up with a 60 Minutes story about a seven-year-old girl decapitated in the back of a limo by a drunk driver.

Poor Jennifer Aniston! In New York right now it is far too cold to go nude outside, which left the actress few options to promote her film Marley & Me last night.

We weren't aware that Jennifer Aniston's new dogcom, Marley & Me, was in urgent need of sexing up, but consider us duly apprised. So what is there to say about these new GQ pictures?

For someone whose interview rider now includes stipulations like, "Three (3) bottles of Evian, one (1) bowl of peeled grapes, and absolutely no (0) questions about uicide-say," Owen Wilson couldn't have picked a better comeback vehicle that the innocuous dogcom Marley & Me. After all, what journalist could bluntly work in a query about wrist-slitting after asking tossing Wilson this softball: "Was there any specific moment when you realized you [and co-star Jennifer Aniston] had great chemistry?" Wait, did we ask what journalist? How about the one from the notoriously hard-nosed, er, USA Today, who tried nudging up to the elephant in the room in increasingly Wilson-unfriendly ways:

We can tell by your reactions to Jennifer Aniston's recent Vogue indictment of Angelina Jolie (e.g. "She needs to build a bridge and get over it") that there remains plenty of demand for Aniston to swing away at her spouse-snatching archnemesis. So off she went to visit Oprah Winfrey, who, in an interview to be broadcast later today, wouldn't let Aniston out of the studio without claiming her own stake of the fuss. Hint: That bridge may be on the way! To Pitt, anyway:

Our office's crystal ball usually tends to function best on Fridays — and even then, as we handicap new releases in our Defamer Attractions column, it can be a tad hinky. But after a few weeks of painstaking inquiry, we think we now have a handle on some of the fall movie slate's biggest revelations to come. Will Brad Pitt backward-age his way to Oscar immortality? Is Twilight really the best investment for your vampire-movie dollars? Can Beverly Hills Chihuahua live up to its exceptional promise? Follow the jump for answers to those and a few of the season's other pressing questions. Feel free to scan your own tea leaves as well; our own oracle shuddered and crapped out the minute we asked about Australia, so any and all input is welcome. Onward!1. Brad Pitt will win an Academy Award. We know the post-Toronto establishment has all but engraved Mickey Rourke's name on this year's Best Actor Oscar (hell, even Rourke has engraved his name on this year's Best Actor Oscar), but taking both The Wrestler (release date TBD) and Pitt's epic The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (12/25) sight unseen, we'll take the aging-backward-on-other-people's-bodies gimmick over the gritty indie comeback 10 times out of 10. Not that it won't be close: Brad Grey will spend more on his old pal's campaign than Fox Searchlight is probably ready to drop on Rourke's, but Rourke will be the more accessible nominee to the media. Look for dark horse Sean Penn (Milk) to split the field late; Focus Features won't settle for another 0-fer in '08. 2. W. (10/17) will tip the election to the GOP. Opening less than three weeks before Election Day, the film will be too muddled to move the Democrats yet irreverent enough to galvanize the Republican base against Hollywood one more time before voting. Oliver Stone will be recognized as the new Ralph Nader. 3. You're going to miss Don LaFontaine a lot more than you think. Otherwise execrable trailers like this one for The Haunting of Molly Hartley (10/31) acquired bittersweet relevance overnight: 4. The Weinstein Company will muscle its way back to prominence. Harvey had a relatively hemorrhage-free summer, closed out by his $16 million-grossing (and counting) Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Meanwhile, Zack and Miri Make a Porno (10/31) left Toronto with goodwill to spare, the LA immigrant saga Crossing Over (10/24) has Harrison Ford, Sean Penn and others channeling Crash, and the company bumped up The Reader for Kate Winslet Oscar consideration. (NB: The Rourke Factor also reportedly inspired Harvey to finally slot his long-shelved Killshot on Nov. 7.) The Weinsteins being the Weinsteins, of course, the operation could crash at any time, but at least the ensuing conflagration promises Hindenberg levels of spectacle. That's our Harvey. 5. Owen Wilson will emerge from, return to hiding after explaining the trailer to Marley & Me (12/25). That is all.

Once again, the troubled blonde union between Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson has come to an end, and both stars are up to their standard post-break-up habits. Hudson is said to be feeling “dumb,” and Wilson is making attempts to crawl into the sheets with the nearest yellow-haired hanger-on. And while the last time these two split, it became tragically clear which party came out on top and which wound up barely alive, we took a look at the career prospects in store for both, and worry Kate’s the one who might hit the skids this time around...

Instead of fussing over headlines linking Owen Wilson to Jennifer Aniston on the set of Marley & Me, should Kate Hudson be more worried about the allure of Woody Harrelson's positively perfect butt? Looking downright McConaughey-esque (at least from behind), Harrelson displayed enviable the enviable skill of Olympic-style cliff-climbing while nude during a swim sesh with longtime pal Wilson in Miami over the weekend. And we couldn't be more delighted. Not only have these pictures edged Woody much higher on our list of celebrity crushes, but they've given The Daily Mail the opportunity to Photoshop a mini-animated tale of Woody's butt's ascent from the Atlantic. Though we highly doubt Owen will fall for the Woodster's cheeks, we couldn't resist taking a closer look ourselves after the jump, including a peek at Owen's much more demure choice of swimwear.