• Tyra Banks: Supermodel, television producer, daytime talk television clown. [Four Four]
• Sadly, the many faces of Tyra didn't lead to stellar premiere ratings; Martha Stewart and Judge Alex (whohuh?) had equally lackluster numbers. [Mediaweek]
• If you're a "party girl," you can live on West Broadway in lovely Soho, with other "party girls," for a mere $500 a month! Dealer fees not included. [Craigslist]
• The most frightening fundraiser ever. [HuffPo]
• Behold the scenes of Fashion Week, which look increasingly like recruitment posters for Al Qaeda. [Daily Transom]
• Get to know your new LES skyline. It'll compliment the forthcoming Starbucks quite nicely, we think. [Curbed]

11:00 It s the goddamned Gifford Miller commercial. We instinctively zone out and miss the Martha opener. Thanks a lot, Giff.
11:01 Ah, here we go: The show leads in with some cutesy stupid intro with Mark Burnett, who s wearing a gold ankle bracelet as a cutesy stupid homage to Martha.
11:02 Intro music is Motown-esque (will Google song later), montage-style: photos of her big moments, sentencing, dogs, ponchos, smiles, laughs. You re getting all of Martha, whether you want her or not. How bold. Martha walks out carrying her black French bulldog. Crowd is only slightly less enthused than the usual Oprah audience.
11:03 Opening with a monologue. I am unfettered, I am free, no ankle bracelets. Explains that all producers and staff have fake ankle bracelets, which comes off more uncomfortable than funny.
11:05 We re fully into the obligatory New Orleans reference. Cue moving montage of the beauty and heritage; voice over is traditional Martha monotone: On a recent visit to New Orleans, my day began with caf au lait and a beignet, a local tradition.
11:07 The old stock footage of Martha s time in NOLA (complete with references to some article she worked on in 1991), combined with Martha s voiceover, is sleep-inducing. It s like a bad NPR parody, but not a parody.
11:10 We understand that the hurricane shout-out is obligatory and basically unavoidable, but Martha s flat voice is about as warm as George W s. Yesterday was also 9-11. Thanks, we had no idea. Let's fucking cook something...

We're not sure how we've managed to do this, but we've actually never seen a single minute of a Martha Stewart television show. There is no question, however, that this will have to change on Thursday:

Look alive there, chitlins! It's 8:50 a.m., and you've got just over two hours to get your shit together in time for the premiere of the first half of Martha Stewart's return to dominance, her live daytime show Martha. Come 11 a.m., that Jane Pauley crap NBC has been running will be but a distant memory, as Martha returns to the stage to highlight your inferiority with a relaxed joviality that only comes from learning to make a shiv in prison.

On house arrest: "It's very confining."

• Martha Stewart ankles bracelet, finally. [Newsday]
• Newsday to cut jobs, benefit, and maybe the NYC edition. Again. [NYDN]
• Howell Raines lives! Though it's still not like he's getting published on this coast. [LAT]
• As if a reality show about life at the Daily News didn't sound exciting enough, know this: Word is long-fingered vulgarian Hud Morgan's the breakout star. This is particularly great news, because Hud's ego really needs a boost. [WWD]
• FX becomes the first TV network to show Iraqi insurgents beheading a journalist — on fictional show, Over There. [E&P]
• Now Google sells print ads, too. Somehow, this must be bad for newspapers and magazines. [NYT]

• Victoria Gotti is going to start a celeb mag, she says. Then again, she also said she had breast cancer. [NYP]
• The beauty job that Nadine Haobsh didn't get at Seventeen has finally been filled — by a boy. [WWD]
• Hey, so it turns out Martha Stewart is going to have some new TV shows. [WP]
• Goodbye, Dali: Penthouse's new owners are suing the Gooch for $4 million over unreturned company property, including two paintings by Salvador Dali. [NYP]
• Mediabistro's Elizabeth Spiers — who doesn't like party reporting — checks in from vacation to let us know that TV networks lust for ratings. [MB]

· Martha Stewart is callously ignoring our generously offered Apprentice dismissal catchphrase, "Bite the doily," in favor of the unfathomably less catchy "You just don't fit in."
· Anchorwomen, please don't forget that this is a very stressful time for your co-workers in the weather department. They don't need your sass right now.
· The cops are nickel-and-diming Jennifer Aniston's cheapskate stalker: "'The petty theft charge is a result of him taking a cab and stiffing the cab driver,' Los Angeles County District Attorney's spokeswoman Jane Robison said. 'He took a cab from Santa Barbara to Malibu and then didn't pay.'"
· Teaching kids to respect copyrights has never been so much fun! "(kid with blue, deformed, football-shaped head) a pirate is what we call someone who steals stuff online, including songs... pirates nowadays don't have to look like pirates, it's just what we call people who steal stuff online. Let's go ask Cookie what to do, come on!"
· The Arnold Schwarzenegger Museum in Graz, Austria, is closing its doors. We hope that his original set of steroid-shriveled testes can find a temporary home until they can one day occupy a permanent place of honor in his presidential library.

• Imagine if a Woody Allen antihero was on a warfront. We'd call that Bananas. Michiko calls it War Reporting for Cowards. [NYT]
• More bad news for American Media: First they lose Arnold, now Standard & Poor's drops their debt rating. And on top of that all, the CEO is still named Pecker. Heh. [NYP]
• Martha Stewart Living and two other women's mags now caught in "apocalyptic" wave of circ scandals. Fraud at Martha Stewart? No way. [Ad Age]
• Mr. Big is renovating his house. In the last week of August, that counts as news. [WWD, second item]

• When asked whether or not she and Paris Latsis were really getting married, Paris Hilton replies, "I don't know, I'm just having fun!" For once, we're certain that Paris is being completely honest. [Page Six]
• More from the VMAs in Miami: Drinking! Debauchery! Shootings! Photo Ops! Ancient History! [R&M]
• If you really want to get out of jury duty, just be 50 Cent's publicist. [Lowdown (last item)]
• It's the news you've been waiting for: On Martha Stewart's version of The Apprentice, she'll reportedly replace Donald Trump's "You're fired!" with the positively irritating, "You just don't fit in." [Page Six]
• It's a shame that former Playmate Jenny McCarthy is getting divorced; it really renders moot that $1 million deal for her book on marriage. [Scoop]

Perhaps prompted by the recent media love for super-rich housekeeper Martha Stewart, a reader privy to the first taping of syndicated daytime show Martha writes in to inform us that perhaps one leg of Martha's comeback might be less than perfect:

Today in Martha Stewart's Media Campaign 2005, MSO chief executive Susan Lyne and company chairman Charles Koppelman sat down to discuss Stewart's sweeping return to mass-market ubiquity. Naturally, the head puppeteer herself was present:

Martha Stewart gave a flashy press conference yesterday, in which she revealed not just her court-ordered ankle "bracelet" but also some spicy details about her forthcoming spin-off of the Apprentice. Producer Mark Burnett notes that Martha's version of the show will feature a "softer" palette of colors to reflect her "artistic business," so we imagine the boardroom in which she fires domestic failures to be painted with her signature Lawn Frost and Picket Fence colors (accents in Bedford Gray, of course). And her theme song? Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics. Because nothing says Martha Stewart Living like Annie Lennox moaning about being abused.

• The MTA hooks military hardware wizards Lockheed Martin for a three-year, $212 million contract to pull a subway security and communications system out of its cauldron. Interestingly enough, the system would allow for cellphone usage in underground stations. Awesome, just another damn place people can hunt you down. [NYT]
• R. Kelly joins the lineup at the MTV Video Music Awards, leaving us all excited for a 6-hour performance of In the Closet. Perhaps a few lucky souls in the audience will get even get peed on. [AP]
• We doubt Radar actually ponied up cash for information regarding Tom Cruise, so you've got to wonder what's up with their budget sticker advertising scheme. [Adrants]
• Just when we were floating along our Martha Stewart love train, word comes that she'll be letting her daughter Alexis in on the Apprentice act. Reality television nepotism is so gauche, really. [Zap2it]

We received an anguished — even, perhaps, catty — email this morning:

• Mariah Carey considers suing Eminem for defamation of character after the rapper plays voice messages allegedly from Carey during his concert. As if one man alone could be responsible for that woman's character issues. [Page Six]
• Former Libertine Pete Doherty was busted, again, on Friday for possession of crack cocaine and heroin. His on-and-off again fiancée Kate Moss is being urged by friends, again, to leave the addict. We see this ending rather badly, again. [R&M]
• Because the sun simply doesn't shine without a negative report on Martha Stewart, the indentured servants at her Bedford estate are complaining about low morale. Perhaps it's because they know that in a matter of months, they'll be replaced by Stewart's genetically engineered slavebots. [Page Six]
• At Pamela Anderson's recent Comedy Central roast, the jokes still seemed to steer towards Tom Cruise — probably because Scientology jokes are still a few days away from being as tired as bimbo jokes. [Scoop]

• Sincere props to Radar for this gem: During Donatella Versace's naughtier days, "she stumbled into a glass table in Vogue editor Anna Wintour's office, sending shards flying." But really, who hasn't? [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• A teacher at an East Hampton school has been cleared of child pornography charges but is nevertheless fired. Community members are still angry about the silence surrounding the investigation. WASPs refusing to talk about dirty secrets? Shocking. [Page Six]
• In an effort to prove that she can say more than, "You're still in the running to become America's next Top Model," Tyra Banks has started taping for her new talk show. Confessions of a Video Vixen author Karrine Steffans, however, said that her interview on the show was so bad that she wanted to rip off Tyra's wig. Oh no she didn't! [R&M (2nd item)]
• And because the sun simply won't shine unless someone's ragging on Martha Stewart, her Bedford neighbors are now bitching that the housebound diva is taping TV footage in her home. Still no complaints of Stewart of using her estate as an Al Qaeda training camp, however. [Cindy Adams]

Because you're too lazy to buy your loved one a thoughtful gift, One Share allows you to buy — you guessed it — one share of any popular stock, complete with a charming commemorative certificate and frame. (It reminds us of the trend when people would "buy" and "name" a star as a perfectly stupid, useless gift. Nice to know that symbols of equity have reached a similar level of kitsch.) And wouldn't you know it, the share of the month is Martha Stewart Omnimedia! It's a back-handed honor, however: The shares are being sold at 10% off. Much to the chagrin of real investors, were sure.

After a prison stint for conspiracy and obstruction of justice, the Martha Stewart basked in the afterglow of daily media handjobs. New television shows, a slow return to work, the glowing Vanity Fair spread — she kinda ruled. Yet no matter how high our heroine climbs, someone will insist on pushing her down a rung on the ladder of positive PR.

From the slideshow accompanying today's Times article about local graffiti writers and their skirmishes with increasingly tough law enforcers, the image at right appears with the following caption: "Harley, a 19-year-old East Village resident whose tag name is IMUNE, uses Martha Stewart pink paint at 5 Pointz in Queens."