Dangerously unpredictable manufactured pop sensation Justin Bieber was "horsing around" with some friends before a concert when he threw two water balloons at Maryland State Troopers, one of which burst. Biebs, assaulting a police officer is a felony!

A man armed with guns and (maybe) explosives has reportedly taken hostages in the lobby of the Discovery Channel's headquarters in Silver Spring, Maryland. Several gunshots have been heard, and authorities are trying to evacuate the building.

A man has been accused of spraying bottled semen onto the backs of shoppers in Maryland. And then taking pictures. As one resident put it: "Oh, that's nasty. Oh, that's really not good. That's disgusting."

Easter is the best holiday for sadists, as Catholics worldwide bloody themselves imitating the passion of Christ, just like Mel Gibon's torture porno with that name. It's also rural Filipinos' annual season of infamy, for literally nailing themselves to crosses.

Maryland—a Union state and a slave state—is attempting to secede from the South.

Oh, good, some jackass in the Maryland State Senate threatening to withhold public funding from a major university for maybe playing a porno flick has become a TEACHABLE MOMENT. Join the Facebook group!

The University of Maryland student union was going to play a film called Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge, a reasonably big-budget fuck flick based on those pirate movies from the Disney people but with fake tits and bad jokes instead of Johnny Depp and bad jokes. (And with explicit sex, obviously. It's probably shorter than those damn pirate movies too.)