You think you're living in the year "2011," when America has long since left its ugly legacy of racism behind, until you read something like this: companies are still using Asian people as "tech experts," in commercials. Free your minds!

Maybe it's because parents aren't getting married these days due to the decay of the moral fiber of our nation and with it any chance we had for keeping ourselves on the side of righteousness and god's glory, but man: parents these days sure are dumb. About everything, sure, but specifically about their stupid kids' stupid schools:

For allegedly stealing a 24-ounce can of Steel Reserve, Victoria Hill of Boise, Idaho now faces up to ten years behind bars. Officers charged her with felony burglary, because she stuck the beer in her purse and walked by some cash registers—thereby indicating "intent."

It's only noon, and already the Dow has dropped by 325 241 336 points. Terror. Panic. Uncertainty. Fear. Should you dump all of your stocks and stash the cash while you still can? No. No. No!

New math! Fancier chips! Higgs Boson! Humongous fungus! Acid bases! Sea monster! Asteroid pictures! Fecal bleed! And everyone's best friend is dropping in for the summer! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—not that you would understand!

Gird your loins, everyone, because with Thor opening this weekend, the long summer slog of superhero movies is upon us. Some of them are so good, but some of them are so damn crappy. That's why I've devised a simple formula to figure out which is which.

Apparently Tyra Banks and Vogue editor Andre Leon Talley have a web show called "Fa-Fa-Fa Fashion," in which they feint and shriek and perform trippy skits about Tyra pissing herself. (A reenactment of this?)

Panasonic's North American headquarters are currently located in Secaucus, New Jersey. Today, the company plans to sign a lease to move its headquarters ten miles down the road to Newark, New Jersey. Why? Because the state of New Jersey paid them more than $100 million (in the form of tax breaks) to do so.

Last week, we noted the growing backlash against the mighty Groupon by businesses (and employees) who are starting to think that Groupon's offerings aren't so great. More plainly: some believe Groupon and its clones should all be destroyed.

Prepare to feel very dumb while listening to this mathematician explain the problems with pi. Be warned, she talks very fast and makes tasty looking pies to illustrate her point.

Old galaxies! Nabokov butterflies! Milk safety! Insomnia relief! Cell timers! Solar sails! Bat naps! Math extinctions! Ovulation dreams! Breast chips! It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—wackily, come on!

"What can you learn from the top performing stocks of 2010?" Since that headline is in USA Today, the answer is automatically "nothing." The bigger question: can we learn anything from any stock market forecast, at all?

Anthropology debate! Brain hearing! Jock myth! Unique fingerprints! Estrogen breast-rogen! Smallest battery! And gay mice marriage! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—if you can call it that!

The U.S. State Department's green card lottery this year drew a record 15 million applications for 50,000 available green cards. Which means this lottery's odds are approximately 150,000 times better than the New York Lottery's odds . [WSJ]

The Way We Live Now: not studiously. We'll break it down as patriotically as possible: America wasn't built by a bunch of nerd boys in pocket protectors playing calculator games called "math." America was built by men! Poor, math-illiterate men.

Alan Newton (pictured) was convicted of rape and jailed 22 years before being cleared by DNA evidence in 2006. Yesterday, a jury awarded him $18.5 million in compensation. Is that enough?

Benoît Mandelbrot, the French-American mathematician known for his work with fractal geometry, died on Thursday. Mandelbrot lent his name to the Mandelbrot set—the very beautiful, stoner-friendly mathematical object in this video.

A historical tally of Nobel Prize winners shows that Americans have racked up 323 awards, more than twice as many as any other country. The U.S. leads in every category except literature, which is for sissies anyway. Take that, statistics!

In NYC, two-thirds of primary schools saw their scores decline in progress reports. In Chicago, parents are holding a sit-in protest to save their children's after-school center. Only the suburban schools are properly educating kids. By treating them like idiots.

The Way We Live Now: Quantifordably. We don't actually need to change our current situation; we simply need to become more satisfied with it. For what is money but a number? And what is a number but...magic? I don't know.