With the first of three presidential debates still a few days away, Mitt Romney's campaign is already calling a winner: President Obama.

Ohio's Miami University has the booziest, pukiest, poopiest sororities in America. First Pi Beta Phi trashed a lake lodge. Now Alpha Xi Delta members are in trouble for "urinating on artifacts" and otherwise destroying the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center.

A few weeks ago, MacMillan CEO John Sargent sent out a memo to the publisher's employees saying, basically, "no raises for anyone this year—but Merry Christmas!" Now, they're laying people off as we speak. (But Merry Christmas!) It's 4% of the company, including imprints such as Farrar, Strauss & Giroux and the children's division; the the Publishers Weekly says it's 64 people.

New York Times Associate managing editor William "Bill" Schmidt just sent an email around the paper begging people to accept buyout offers, for the good of everyone else. "Each buyout we record before next Tuesday reduces the number of layoffs we will have to seek." Retire! Earlier today, Radar media critic Charles Kaiser named a couple people who might take buyouts, but none of them were people we want to see leave. None of them are responsible for Thursday Styles, after all. Though we suppose the idea is for old people to leave, right? Can Clyde Haberman take one? Wait, is Clyde Haberman still alive? Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative reporter Dan Barry can stay as long as he goes back to investigative reporting and not writing columns about quaint happenings in quaint places. Oh, and COUGH COUGH ALESSANDRA STANLEY? Your further suggestions are appreciated. Full memo after the jump.

The time has come for MTV Networks beleaguered slavey permalancers to learn their fate. Brand-new human resources lady Catherine Houser issued a memo an hour ago to the Viacom subsidiary's contractors, announcing they would learn if they were among the lucky group whose positions will be converted to staff jobs, as promised in December. On what basis will a permalancer earn job security and benefits? Among the benchmarks: "The position would be staff if there was headcount." Uhh...what? "The position transcends a specific project or show," is another. Considering that a key issue in the uproar over Viacom's benefit cuts last month centered around the frequent rotation of workers (which made it hard for them to accrue the required time needed to qualify for benefits), it sounds like MTVN has given itself a whole lot of leeway with that one. So you've been an MTVN cameraman for nine years? As far as Viacom is concerned, you only spent four months at a time on Pimp My Ride and Cribs, so you're shit out of luck, pal. God be with you, and also with you and you. Let us know how it goes. After the jump, the memo in full.

Writer Joanna Goddard is working on an article for New York magazine on—get this—New Yorkers who wear one color exclusively. But she needs your help! One assumes that all the men in black have already reported for duty, as this email pleads for those who wear only green. Click to view this vital memo!

You know all those trannies that are "in transition" that like to be called "ze" instead of he or she or whatever? Have you ever typed out "s/he"? Remember all the "womyn" you communed with at college? And obviously "hir," the politically-correct catchall for both "him" and "her," "reek[s] of east-coast liberal elitism." (Does it?) Therefore! The new gender-neutral pronoun is....YO. As in, "Yo was flirting with my boyfriend," instead of "She was flirting with my boyfriend," or the even more popular, "That bitch was flirting with my boyfriend."