Scotty McCreery misses his cue. Brad Pitt wasn't always a tragically overweight, dumpy-looking urchin with a comb-over. Kim Kardashian exposes herself to The Poors and learns the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Today's Gossip Roundup is sitting on the couch with some turkeys, playing video games and eating pumpkin pie topped with mashed potatoes instead of Cool Whip.

Mila Kunis finally gets her Marine Ball. Prince Harry is still partying in Las Vegas (and going to Cirque Du Soleil). Tareq Salahi is suing Michaele Salahi and Neal Schon for inscrutable reasons. Sunday gossip looks like an alien.

Not even Canada wants Russell Brand. Gene Simmons finally gets married, which means he can have sex for the first time. Kim Kardashian is nice to someone. Sunday gossip is ready to go hunting at Rick Perry's camp!

Tareq blames everything on Journey, then nuzzles a whoremonger and poses sexily in bed. Naomi Campbell blames her bad personality on abandonment issues. Kate Middleton spends four hours doing her hair. A male TV actor comes out of the closet. Tuesday gossip stopped believin' years ago.

America's most beloved couple, Jesse James and Kat Von D, are no longer together. Queen Elizabeth picked out Prince William's wedding outfit. Lady Gaga needed a private pool. Sunday gossip is preparing to subpoena the members of Jefferson Starship.

Maggie Gyllenhaal lends vibrators to female friends. Michaele Salahi and Neal Schon say their adultery is "like a fairy tale." Kendra Wilkinson describes "sex on a jet ski." Wednesday gossip likes to share.

Ryan Gosling has had "two of the greatest girlfriends of all time," and neither of them are you. Lindsay Lohan loses something (that isn't her mind, her youth or her talent). And Salahi drama continues. It's Sunday gossip!

Lindsay Lohan crashes, and then gets kicked out of, Marc Jacobs' party. Tareq Salahi receives a picture of a penis in his mail—a penis we are reasonably sure does not belong to Justin Timberlake. Saturday gossip is here!

Brad Pitt laments the years he spent sitting around getting high with Jen. Lindsay Lohan throws a drink at a photographer. A tween star dresses his penis up like an elephant. Anna Faris: "I hope somebody roofies me tonight!" TGIFriday gossip.

If you didn't stop believin' the abduction-cum-affair of Michaele Salahi could get weirder—and make those involved appear more publicity-hungry—there's now this video from TMZ of Tareq Salahi and Michael Lohan leaving a Washington, DC restaurant together last night.

The curious case of Michaele Salahi, the White House party crasher and one-time Real Housewife whose husband reported her missing, possibly kidnapped, this morning, seems to have been solved.

Sound the alarm! Alert the authorities that haven't already been alerted! Michaele Salahi, White House party-crasher turned temporary Real Housewives star, has maybe been abducted, claims her husband.

Kanye West is running his mouth off again, this time showing some sympathy for the devil. J. Lo and Steven Tyler are fighting about money, Ashton Kutcher is a thief, and Lindsay Lohan finally met someone crazier than her. Monday's gossip is revisionist history.

Mercede Johnston claims that Bristol Palin both did and did not want to be pregnant with her brother's child. Doug Hutchison claims that the emails sent by his 16-year-old wife were actually sent by "hackers." Saturday gossip is now has a better credit rating than the U.S. government.

It's not that Real Housewife of D.C. and White House party crasher Michaele Salahi's dance single is awful, which it is, it's that it is so sad. Everything about it is so eye-gougingly sad that it's probably the saddest attempt at a second act in the history of television.

Evan Rachel Wood wants you to know that she sometimes dates women. Lindsay Lohan uses Good Friday to get out of court. Lea Michele pulls a bitch move at Coachella. Nic Cage goes back to work. Tuesday gossip is single and ready to mingle.

It's official: Bravo has dropped the axe on The Real Housewives of D.C., the first iteration of the Housewives franchise not to make it to a second season. Michaele, cheer up. There's always Celebrity Apprentice. [Washington Post]

Bravo is reportedly shedding some of their Housewives dead weight, thank god. Also today: two Buffy alums find themselves in comedy pilots, Josh Radnor is the hardest working man in showbiz, FX cancels a critically lauded show, and Skins wins.

Charlie Sheen says he's "ready to call anyone for help," but is this just another senseless rant, or has his mania abated? Lindsay Lohan's maybe-stolen necklace hits the auction block. Amanda Seyfried gets Botox at 25. Wednesday gossip crashes into a deep depression.

Say what you will about Celebrity Rehab ("completely and utterly despicable," for example, or, "the absolute and unquestionable nadir of Western culture"), at least it has standards: The show has apparently kicked out Real Housewives, uh, star Michaele Salahi for not being addicted to anything.