Republicans and weed were the big winners in this year's midterm elections. Here's how the Tuesday night results affect you.

Only 46% of Americans know that Republicans won control of the House in this year's elections, so maybe it never happened?

Barack Obama seemed cheery today at his post-election press conference, just relieved that the death parade is finally over. He humbly accepts your "shellacking," America, and he'll think about all this stuff after he flees the country. Clip below.

Facebook's "political team" say that candidates with more Facebook fans than their opponents won 74% of House races and 81% of Senate races. See, Democrats? If you'd just clicked more Internet buttons, once, lazily, you would've automatically won most races.

Tomorrow's election map looks much like 2006's, but with the parties reversed: the ruling party will probably lose the House, possibly lose the Senate, and probably win a California gubernatorial election for consolation. Here's a preview.

Be scared, Democrats, because Daddy's taking the credit card away. That's right: George Soros, the billionaire financier who's bankrolled many Democratic victories in previous years, isn't donating to them this year, saying that even he can't stop the Republican "avalanche."

The Democrats' 1988 presidential candidate, Michael Dukakis, who's familiar with a determined GOP attack machine, recently "popped in" to the White House to go over midterm strategy with the president's aides. About time "The Duke" came to the rescue!

Watch your back, Democracy: "More people are getting their news about the upcoming election from cable television than any other source." Are more people voluntarily staring directly into the sun nowadays, too? It would only make sense, behaviorally.

The Democrats have found themselves a fresh new cliff to drive over, everyone! Yesterday the party leadership decided not to vote on extending middle-class Bush tax cuts before election day. That just would've mobilized their supporters too much, you see?

Joe Biden sounded pretty desperate at a fundraiser today, hoping that radical, frightening Tea Party primary victories will "shake some of our constituency out of their lethargy" for election day. A not-9.6% unemployment rate would probably be more effective, though.

Here we go, America! House Republicans have finally leaked their long-promised platform for the midterm elections, called the "Pledge to America." They're formally unveiling it today at a Virginia hardware store. Let's do a quick lil' run-through, shall we?

Comedy Central funnymen Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert recently unveiled their plans for dueling, satirical Washington rallies on October 30. But October 30 is the Saturday before midterm elections! Shouldn't America's wiseasses be campaigning for Democrats, instead of attending this?

Democrats are feeling optimistic! Since Republicans have nominated a joke Senate candidate in Delaware, Democrats now will win one midterm election, instead of zero. And to capitalize on this momentum, the Democratic party released a new logo and slogan today!

Democrats are pushing this scary new ad about lobbyist-loving golf whore John Boehner, the House minority leader who could become Speaker. But is Boehner well-known enough to be an effective bogeyman for the Democrats this fall? Probably not.

Twitter wasn't a big deal during the 2008 elections. Most congressmen started accounts in 2009, so 2010 is our first election year with "Twitter controversies." Today, for example: a revenge-seeking Republican operative tweeted Democratic staffers' home addresses. Really now?

Pundits started reading Democrats their last rites last week after Gallup's generic-ballot poll showed voters preferring Republicans by ten percentage points, a record. But in the same poll this week, the parties are... tied? Get your story straight, America.

A New York Times article this morning examines the latest iteration of an age-old problem for the Democratic party: getting young voters to give a shit about politics between presidential elections. Are these kids already bored with the "Democrat" fad?

Democrats are going to lose every congressional election, basically. Not only have Republicans taken a record-breaking lead in generic ballot polling, but new numbers from "battleground" Ohio shows voters preferring George W. Bush over Barack Obama, 50-42.

Wisconsin GOP gubernatorial candidate Scott Walker has released a new ad in which he wears boxing gloves and says he'll whoop the likely Democratic nominee, Tom Barrett. Is this insensitive, though, considering Tom Barrett was "viciously beaten" last year?

In a wacky TV spot, Colorado gubernatorial candidate John Hickenlooper jokes that he needs to shower after watching opponents' dirty, negative ads. But he won't even undress in his shower scenes! Come on, John. Colorado's pervy voters demand full-frontal.