Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair, who was accused of sexual assault against a captain in charges that originally included forcible sodomy and maltreatment of subordinates, reportedly teared up while reading his plea in court this afternoon.

In what has become one of the most highly publicized cases of sexual assault in the military, U.S. Army Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair will plead guilty to lesser charges in exchange for a dismissal of certain accusations, including the claim that Sinclair threatened to kill his mistress and her family.

Here's a modest suggestion: Can the military recruit some people for their anti-sex assault corps who haven't, you know, been accused of sex assaults?

For years now, the suicide rate among U.S. veterans has been rising. It's not as simple as saying that combat deployments lead to suicide. According to major new research, the problem seems to be rooted much more broadly within the military.

A popular Japanese beach near the U.S. Naval Base in Yokosuka has banned beachgoers with large "scary" tattoos. Which, if by scary you mean awful, is most sailors and Marines and Guy Fieri.

You had one job, Wisconsin National Guard funeral pallbearers, and it didn't involve you posing all gangsta-like with the casket.

A study by the Chinese army shows its troops are significantly fatter and taller than they were 20 years ago, meaning the average soldier won't be able to fit into the communists' tanks or behind their rifle butts soon. They should make awesome capitalist CEOs one day, though.

Anyone who's been "downrange" in America's overproduced theater of war knows that its performers run on nicotine and caffeine: coffee for some, fizzy-sugary energy bombs for others. (Rip-Its, anyone?) But you know what's cheaper and easier for Uncle Sam to import to the battlefield? Arcs and sparks!

The Department of Defense, with its huge purse and huger paranoia, has long been a driver of technological advances. But none may be so momentous as this one: an unfrozen piece of pizza that stays edible for years. And years. Army Rangers and armchair generals, rejoice!

Do you have hot skills doing "detailed social media research and analysis" and "on-the-ground native research and analysis"? Do you like foreign travel? Maybe you're the secret military contractor Uncle Sam needs to mine Twitter and Facebook to "identify violent extremist influences."

Five of Guantanamo's worst "forever" detainees plan to open a Yemeni farm business consisting "of 200 families, 100 farmhouses, 10 cows, 500 chickens, 50 sheep, a honey bee subsidiary and computer system powered by windmills," maybe with Kickstarter capital. That is, if they ever see daylight again, obvs.

Early one morning last October, Nazih Abdul-Hamed al-Ruqai headed home after morning prayers in Tripoli, Libya, and was snatched by U.S. forces for his alleged role in the 1998 embassy bombings in Africa. Thanks to a nearby security camera, we now know what such a kidnapping looks like.

As the war in Iraq worsened and military enlistments flagged, the Army National Guard began a novel bonus program to recruit more troops. That desperation to hit quotas may have cost taxpayers $100 million in fraudulent bonuses by more than a thousand crooked recruiters, a new investigation shows.

Budweiser was one of the consensus winners of Super Bowl XLVIII's ad spree, partly on the strength of this tribute to a soldier returning home. But the tear-jerker also might be a rule-breaker: It violated some sacred military edicts, and the beer-maker needed special permissions to pull it off.

A one-star Army general who serves in the Pentagon's inner circle of decision-makers was lightly reprimanded for joking in emails to colleagues that he had masturbated "3 times over the past 2 hours" after meeting with "smoking hot" tea party Rep. Renee Ellmers (R-N.C.).

The U.S. military is easing restrictions on facial hair, turbans, and other religious accoutrements. And man, are chauvinist super-patriots pissed!

The Air Force has roughly 500 officers in charge of protecting and maybe someday launching America's arsenal of land-based nuclear missiles. Nearly all of them cheat on every exam they take, at every chance they get, according to three veterans of the force.

The Marine Corps Special Operations Command's official Twitter account urged its followers Friday morning not to be "lone shooters" over a weekend dedicated to Martin Luther King Jr., who was killed by a lone rifleman. The Corps quickly and wisely deleted the tweet.

The Air Force announced this afternoon that 37 nuclear missile officers have been implicated in academic cheating scandals and drug rings, and the ongoing investigation may turn up more misdeeds soon.

Robert Gates was old and retired. He was brought out of retirement to fix Donald Rumsfeld's overseas warmongering pooch-screws. He did pretty well. Now that he's retired again, will you please get the hell off his lawn?