Welcome to Ellen Page Dump-and-Run Week, when even today's news that America's ambiguously-persuasioned sweetheart is attached to star in yet another adaptation of Jane Eyre is slightly overshadowed by the two "new" Page releases you may not have known to look for. Like An American Crime? You know this one? No? Page stars as Sylvia Likens, the Indianapolis teen who was beaten, tortured and murdered by her caretaker (played by Catherine Keener) in one of the most notorious homicides in American history. We saw it at the Sundance Film Festival in 2007, when someone reportedly passed out at the premiere — probably the producer who realized his high-caliber drama (starring two Oscar nominees!) was headed straight to Showtime oblivion this Saturday at 10 p.m. We feel him, but that's not the half of it.

It's no longer shocking to see a celebrity waltzing around the beach post-op (Courtney Love, anyone?) but, thankfully, most celebs remember to remove their bandages before donning their itsy bitsys. But what if said bandages are there for life? And in the form of their own flesh? Well, if they belong to surgery-happy Patricia Heaton, we will all have the pleasure of viewing them! In light of recent photos showing Ray Romano's television wife in her bikini and missing one bellybutton, the Huffington Post dug up some slightly unreadable details on the magically disappearing must-have and the revelations, like the photos, are not pretty: