Peaches Geldof has been fired as a Miss Ultimo underwear model. The company says her (alleged) heroin-fueled sex party disqualifies her as a "positive role [model] that young women can aspire to." Sex parties should be fueled by lingerie only.

The Way We Live Now: Like whores. Common sea lion whores.

The Parents Television Council—the shrill right-wing arbiter of entertainment morality last seen reprimanding companies for associating with rappers—is now busy condemning the brilliant, violent, and controversial new video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Unfortunately for the forces of purity, the Council decided to do its condemning primarily by making things up:

Something that our modern age is not equipped to process: a man paying millions for a high-profile sex tape of a famous star, only to keep the thing secret. No special downloads available for $29.95. No DVDs, Cinemax licensing fees, or posters. But that's exactly what an anonymous and principled oddball memorabilia collector did this week when he paid $1.5 million for a 15-minute tape of tragically deceased starlet Marilyn Monroe giving a blow job to an unidentified man—who just might be tragically deceased president John F. Kennedy!

Joanna Cutler, a rich real estate broker who lives in the opulent Plaza hotel, found herself trapped in a garbage room in the palatial building for seven hours last week, only steps away from her luxurious apartment. She had left her apartment unlocked, and the thought of someone walking in and stealing her precious Faberge egg tortured her during her accidental confinement. Sadly, none of the obvious universal, karmic, philosophical implications of this situation were recognized by the rich lady herself. Or the New York Post.

The American Family is Under Attack. Homosexuals, liberals, Europeans, celebrities, immigrants—all seek to undermine our nation's moral code. Marriage, parenthood, even chaste teenage courtship are embattled and probably doomed. Movies about children having children out of wedlock, gays trying to marry gays, and wife-stealing media moguls are just symptoms of a deeper moral rot in our culture. Here, we present to you, exclusively, three of the greatest dangers to your family unit that you are sure to face this February—and beyond!