"It's the shit." I'm sorry. [via Adrants]

The crew of the Maersk Alabama, the ship with 20 Americans aboard hijacked by Somali pirates this morning, has reportedly already retaken the ship from the scurvy buccaneers. Whoa, movielike, action film, what's happening?

Over the last few days, Gawker operative Stephen Kosloff continued to investigate the flora and fauna of the Gen Art film festival, which concluded last night. He brought you back these words and pictures.

Longtime Variety editor Peter Bart was finally replaced last weekend—a move that we (and others) interpreted as Bart being, essentially, stripped of his power to make way for new blood. Not true, he says!

Over the last two nights, Gawker operative Stephen Kosloff braved the Gen Art film festival and related events. He brings you back this, the harrowing true account (and photographs) of what he saw.

Every so often someone writes a trend story about movie star pay that is utterly wrong because the reporter has no idea how Hollywood deals are done. So let's do a brief refresher course.

Our friend Arthur Kade is moving up in the world! Philly's most inane John Fitzgerald Page knockoff is in a movie with Angelina Jolie. Eh, Arthur Kade has fucked hotter chicks:

50 Cent is locked in a running feud with Miami rapper (and former corrections officer) Rick Ross. It's all anyone in hip hop is talking about! Naturally, 50 has donned a wig, for a sex tape.

So say the early reports from a 20-minute screening that played at the SXSW festival in Austin over the weekend. Said a THR reporter: "It's funny deja vu, but it's still deja vu."

Mondays are best spent piecing together the ruin that followed in the weekend's wake. Recovering the satellites, analyzing the soil samples. And looking at the box office receipts! This week: Disappointment haunted all their dreams.

So how is this biggest-movie-ever Watchmen superhero flick? Well, not so good if many critics are to be believed. Should have been kept in holy reverence as a comic book (or graphic novel or whatever).

Everyone's mad at the banks these days, because they've robbed us blind, and now they're holding their hands out wanting some more, please. So it's a perfect time for Johnny Depp as bank-robber John Dillinger.

Stop everything: John Fitzgerald Page—the Worst Person in the World—is doing stuff! Would you like to be in a movie with Bill Murray and Sissy Spacek? John Fitzgerald Page can make it happen:

Rappers have been dropping brand names in their lyrics for cash for years; it's tasteless, but widespread. But why would you turn a memorial track for your dead friend into a Coogi ad?

Good morning and happy, miserable Monday everyone. (Snow on the East, rain on the West). While you cower inside, away from the elements, ponder over the weekend box office report and wonder... why?

Is it a big fat spoiler to point out that a trailer is a big fat spoiler? Because that's what this one is. I read the script a while back and except for the very end, everything's in here. The movie stars Adam Sandler as comedy superstar "George Simmons" who befriends up-and-comer Seth Rogen. They play pretty much the same Apatow man-boys that populate all of his movies, except here they're dealing with issues weightier than whether it's worth it to give up their bongs to get a hot girl.

Steven Spielberg is not used to hearing the word "No." But after having trouble securing funding and distribution deals, Spielberg is now being forced to beg to keep his passion project Lincoln going.

Alexandra Pelosi—daughter of Fancy Nancy Pelosi, Democratic big shot—has a new documentary out today about why Republicans feel so hurt, by Obama. Point: it reportedly sucks. Counterpoint: but it shows funny Republican hicks!

Hey, America's #1 numbers whiz Nate Silver has already figured out who will win all the Oscars! Thanks for spoiling the "female Super Bowl," Nate, you misogynist. Click through to see the future of cinema:

Happy V-Day, dicklickers. Obviously I'm working today and obviously you're on the internet. So boo-hoo for both of us. If you're staying in tonight like me, but want some sexy-time, here are movie suggestions.