The first teaser for Quentin Tarantino's new WWII movie Inglourious Basterds is out. I love Tarantino and have a strange affinity for WWII movies, so why am I so... disappointed?

Though some may think otherwise (paging Paul Blart), Hollywood is plummeting into a serious financial mire. And now the biggest, importantest canary of 'em all has gone and croaked. Steven Spielberg can't get financing.

New Line Cinema, the studio everyone thought Time Warner had killed specifically to prevent the possibility of a Sex and the City sequel, is coming out with a Sex and the City sequel.

Universal announced today that they're planning a live-action movie version of the game Candy Land. You read that right. Ridley Scott's working on a Monopoly movie. So what boardgames could be next? Let's speculate.

Before you get upset, let me clarify. I mean ugly people. People who like to imagine that the (unending!!!!!) struggle between members of the opposite sex (the gay people are just cute little helpers in this movie's world, like forks and spoons from Beauty and the Beast) is quantifiable and universal. Here's a hint: it's not! And even the doggishly handsome Justin Long can't boil the whole gurgling circus down to a safe little o.b. size. So why are you spending money on the stupid movie, an act which tangentially involves giving Greg Behrendt money. You don't want to do that.

What is Burning Passion? "A Film About...A Guy Who Ejaculates Fire." It features "spectacular special effects...in addition to some really nice acting." It premieres on Valentine's Day, online. The perfect date. Click to enlarge.

Often-angry American Psycho Batman Christian Bale has flipped out once again! This tape allegedly features his reaction to someone ruining a shot in Terminator Salvation. Thank god it wasn't something important.

A swashbuckling Somali pirate went back for one last big score. He thought he had it made—until disaster struck. The hand of providence at work? Or just proof that pirate stories are all cinematic?

Two robbers ripped off Snatch and stole millions in diamonds by disguising themselves as Hasidic Jews. New folk heroes? The next Somali pirates? No, way too derivative, dudes. Recreate Usual Suspects and we'll talk.

If you're waiting anxiously for the Tucker Max movie release, you can look forward to this too: Jersey gossip Chaunce Hayden (pictured) has written a movie about stripper palace Scores. He sent us a summary!

Remember brotastic internet niche figure Tucker Max and his objectively awful movie script? Where the hell is that flick, huh? Here, your full update on I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, the movie:

The director of Pirates of the Caribbean is planning Second Life: The Movie. Too late! The lonely virtual world lost its buzz two years ago. Why is Hollywood always so behind the times?

Sure, Che Guevara was a Hero of the Revolution. But did he like to jack off a lot? Director Steven Soderbergh has done a lot of research on this issue:

Remember SaveKaryn.com? Back in 2002, a young blondie NYC lass in major credit-card trouble posted an online plea for donations towards her "cause"—crowdsourcing her debt solution, as it were. The Observer certainly remembers: "Ms. Bosnak parlayed her moment of internet 'fame' into a book called Save Karyn and then a novel titled 20 Times a Lady." That second book was about the lady exploring her sexual "quota" and bednotches and what it all meant as she searched for Mr. Right—Who Also Has To Have Money, Too, Obviously. And now it has been optioned for a movie. God help us. Starring the impossibly bubbly Anna Faris, who is just so cheerful and cute that we want to stab her! [Vulture] I mean, how could you go wrong with a film adaptation, given this review on the book's Amazon page:

Although the business of journalism is currently in the process of imploding, the romance of journalism remains. So while journalists can't find jobs any more, they can at least take comfort in the fact that they are very attractive subjects for Hollywood! The Sundance Film Festival released its lineup today, and there are no less than three documentaries that are all about the drama of the A-list press. They could all conceivably be good, although Anna Wintour sounds like a far more compelling subject than Nick Kristof:

Are you quite enthusiastic about the upcoming release of the new Tom Cruise WW2 thriller Valkyrie? We are, if only for the myriad Tom Cruise posts it will inspire. And you know who else is? The Razzies people, who pick the worst movie of the year. Early reviews have them thinking they just might have a surefire winner here!: Choice quotes from an early MSNBC review:

Remember Eugene Allen, the White House butler? The Washington Post put his story on the front page the Friday after Election Day. Allen, a black man, worked at the White House for 34 years, starting during the days of segregation and retiring during the Reagan years. He cast his vote for Barack Obama the day after his wife of 65 years died. It was a wonderful little piece of journalism that made everyone in the country cry. We're choking up just thinking about it again. So now it will become a mawkish, sentimental movie, probably starring Morgan Freeman. Sony purchased the rights to the story and Allen's life. It will be produced by Laura Ziskin, who is behind such classics as As Good As It Gets, Pretty Woman, and Spider-Man. We're thrilled Allen will get yet more recognition, and a little money, but still, ugh. We can't believe we weren't cynical enough to predict this quiet, moving story would soon become yet more manipulative pop trash. [THR, Variety]

LA Times columnist Patrick Goldstein used his blog yesterday for the entertaining purpose of viciously mocking Variety and its Hollywood fixture editor, Peter Bart. Mocking them for being poor! This column is awesome for the following reasons: because media outlets don't usually air their dirty laundry like this; because Peter Bart and Variety certainly deserve the mocking; and most of all because Patrick Goldstein seems totally unconcerned that his own paper does the same exact thing he criticizes Variety for, and that that very thing keeps him employed. Ha: Peter Bart wrote a column of his own (Headline: "Will fiscal funk trip kudo contenders?" WTF) bitching about the lack of Oscar-related ads from the studios in Variety. Patrick Goldstein appropriately tells him to shut it:

Attention Americans, it's almost time to travel to your local movie theater to take in Nothing But the Truth, the ironically-titled Hollywood dramatization of the Judy Miller story! Miller, the former NYT correspondent (now with Fox!) who went to jail unnecessarily to protect Scooter Libby's right to plant fake stories with her concerning nonexistent Iraqi WMDs, is reportedly pleased with the film because it captures the "moral ambiguity" of her situation. It did so by casting Kate Beckinsale as (the much older) Miller, then "dramatizing" the story in order to make her a heroic, martyred "devoted mother of a seven-year-old" who "faces starker physical and personal consequences in jail." So, just how Judith Miller sees herself! Click through to watch two clips, exclusively featuring people who are far too attractive to be journalists: