Mostly lost in the furor over the purity ring comments made by VMAs host Russell Brand were the even more scathing jabs he threw the Republicans' way during the telecast. Never afraid to be politically controversial (a formerly crack-addled Brand was fired from British MTV for showing up to work on September 12, 2001 dressed as Osama Bin Laden), the comedian called President Bush a "retarded cowboy" who "wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors," then dismissed the teen pregnancy of Sarah Palin's daughter as a "PR stunt." Now, Brand is telling the UK's Daily Telegraph that he had one even more outrageous Palin joke in that vein, but MTV wouldn't let him tell it:

The VMAs tend to be known for their feuds, whether it's Madonna vs. Courtney Love, Kid Rock vs. Tommy Lee, or Michael Jackson vs. his overwhelming fear of Lisa Marie Presley's pursed lips. This year's ceremony was no different, though the anger came from an unexpected source: American Idol winner Jordin Sparks, who overstepped a line while defending the Jonas Brothers' purity, declaring, "It's not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody — guy or girl — wants to be a slut." This implication of an either/or sexual ultimatum prompted an outcry from the historically ribald music world, with elder stateswoman Courtney Love prescribing an unorthodox remedy of "pussy and some cock" and the Jonas Brothers themselves laying hands on salacious host Russell Brand to forgive him. Now, in an interview with EW, Sparks clarifies her controversial words:

Purity Ratings: Though this year's chaste edition of the MTV Video Music Awards couldn't boast a must-see trainwreck on the level of Britney Spears's 2007 performance, it still outrated that telecast by 15% in MTV's 12-34 target demo (it beat the 2006 edition by a whopping 41%, and averaged 8.4 million total viewers overall). In fact, according to Broadcasting & Cable, the VMAs telecast was the highest-rated cable show in that demo so far this year. Just think how many more viewers could have been retained without the weirdly shot, one-joke Jonah Hill intro! [Broadcasting & Cable]

Heading into Sunday night's VMAs, one could never have predicted that the Jonas Brothers would end up central to the ceremony's only real controversy; and yet, thanks to Russell Brand's purity-tweaking jokes and Jordin Sparks's impassioned tirade against sluts, there they found themselves. Would the squeaky-clean trio retaliate by wagging their ringed fingers in Brand's face, or would they take Courtney Love's colorful advice to sample "some pussy and some cock and shut the hell up"? According to the BBC, they chose a different route, claiming to be fans of Brand (thanks to his last Conan O'Brien appearance) and giving him some pointers on pleasing the fickle American audience:

Though it's been a long while since Courtney Love caused controversy at the VMAs, the singer wasn't about to let last night's purity ring flap pass by without giving that virginal young upstart Jordin Sparks the what-for. Yes, even though Love claims not to have watched last night's ceremony (though she adores host Russell Brand), she took to her blog to denounce the latest crop of chaste young performers, giving them the sort of X-rated advice that would make a Jonas Brother blush (not that Miley, though — she's heard it all). We've excerpted the best bits below, though we warn you that they're hard to read — not because of their shock value, but because their author is the garrulous misspeller Courtney Love:

It's pretty much been an all-VMA recap kind of day here at Defamer HQ. Not only have we caught you up on our red carpet conversations with Brooke Hogan, Robert Pattinson and Brett Ratner, but we've also given you nearly 24 hours to digest all the goings-on from last night's event. All of which leads us into tonight's installment of Defamer To Do's, where Molls deconstructs some of the evening's high points (namely, T.I.'s LACMA worthy performance) and head-scratchers (why why WHY did X-Tina choose to lip sync?). Enjoy!· Rob Giles at Molly Malones. · Warner Drive at the Key Club. · The Art of War at the Norton Simon Museum. · Jedi Training at Disneyland.

To help generate further internet excitement and mainstream media buzz, tween superstar Miley Cyrus and potential one hit wonder Katy Perry air kissed their way down the red carpet at the VMAs on Sunday afternoon. Cyrus' mother, Tricia, made sure that she oversaw the air kissing and light hand holding. Mrs. Cyrus said, "I'm just here to make sure she doesn't run into that Ronson chick or get too buck wild. She's already had two Rock Stars, I think that's where it's going to stop today. "

While conducting interviews at the VMAs yesterday, the nearby booth advertising Rock Band 2 was the cacophonous bane of our existence — though no one was more unhappy to see it than director Brett Ratner. As you may recall, the Defamer-beloved auteur (and big penis enthusiast) aspires to direct a film adaptation based on Rock Band's rival video game franchise, Guitar Hero. Since the idea continues to boggle our minds, we knew we had to venture a question, even if the resulting Defamer-on-Ratner interaction threatened to spin the world off its axis. Fortunately, the Rush Hour 3 helmer was every bit the gentleman. We blame the heatstroke. [MTV]

While we enjoyed sharing with you the alternately entertaining, excruciating, and utterly discombobulating experience of attending the 2008 VMAs in person, there were moments completely lost on us from our extremely un-VIP vantage point. Take, for example, this off-prompter ad-lib from Jordin Sparks, in which the uncomfortable tension building steadily in Soundstage 16—Brandian anti-Republicanism and hypersexuality reacting against Jonas Brothers's calculated chastity—burst like on overfilled water balloon. What we hadn't noticed at the time was her co-presenter John Legend's overt attempts at distancing himself from Sparks's pro-abstinence sentiments, displaying his naked fingers to indicate the absence of any such sex-warding amulets from Zales. He's good to go, groupies!

Though it's only been a scant ten days since John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, it's hard to find anyone on earth immune to the media onslaught that followed. Oh, for the halcyon days of mid-August, when our nation was more consumed with the abdominals of Michael Phelps than the baby-making, celebrity-stifling, Liz Lemon-resembling Palin name! To meet the rare creature who still knows nothing about the controversial candidate would be like staring into the windows of our pre-RNC innocence, and reader, we found such a transcendent experience on the carpet of the VMAs last night:Sure, Brooke Hogan's political ignorance may be easy to pillory (though her dark horse candidate would certainly win endorsements from the bulk of last night's Moonman-accepting crowd). After all, this is the same reality star who came under fire for her belief that female menstruation should be an instant DQ for the presidency (so get cracking on that change of life, ladies!). Still, after the events of the past ten days, we can't help but see in Brooke the sort of happy optimism that remains unchanged by frightening new political polls. Sometimes, after reading about the new person Palin had fired or the books she wanted banned from the public library, all we want to do is don a low-cut dress, toss our hair from side to side, and shimmy, shimmy down the red carpet until political doom is just a bad dream on a channel far, far away from VH1. [MTV]

Though ladykiller VMAs host Russell Brand is certainly no stranger to female anatomy, his elephant-starring VMAs commercial with Britney Spears was nearly waylaid when he became obsessed with, as he puts it, one "terrifying vagina." In a chat with the Ebert-usurping Ben Lyons, Brand details how the elephant's mammoth sexual orifice nearly blew his mind, causing him to be late to an initial meeting with Spears (and subsequently leading the confused pop singer to ID him on-air as "Russell Brown"). With colorful anecdotes like these, the Defamer liveblog of this Sunday's VMAs should be a breeze; most of all, we can't wait until an onstage Brand takes the Jonas Brothers aside to demonstrate the colorful things an ambitious trio is really capable of. [MTV]

VMA FYI: In news that will surely please his favorite white girl Scarlett Johansson, Kanye West has been picked to close out this year's VMAs (which will be opened — in some fashion — by Britney Spears). Since it's the ceremony's 25th anniversary, the network says we can expect winks to MTV's past including Christina Aguilera returning to reprise "Genie in a Bottle," and Katy Perry essaying Madonna's "Like a Virgin." And just like at this year's MTV Movie Awards, we'll be live on the red carpet Sunday evening causing havoc and liveblogging our hearts out. But unlike the '07 VMAs, this year's event looks like it might actually be able to hold our interest, thanks to the addition of the unpredictable Russell Brand as host. Let's just hope they don't let Eva Longoria Parker near him — MTV couldn't afford the FCC fine if those two got into water sports again. [MTV]

Comeback Comeback: Britney Spears's ongoing flirtation with this year's VMAs has progressed past the stage of hanging out near an elephant while Russell Brand played Itsy Bitsy Spider up her inner thigh. She's going to open the show—though great care is being taken not to have a repeat of last year's performance, a still of which now appears next to the word "train·wreck" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Instead, MTV Networks Music Group President Van Toffler said it will be something "fun and unexpected." Britney said in a statement, "MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I'm excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated." [AP/Yahoo]

Preeminent among the magazine world's kingmaking power lists is Vanity Fair's New Establishment, which appears in the October issue — on newsstands in L.A. and New York today, but not in the Bay Area for another six days. Silicon Valley gets similar short shrift: The names who make it there are predictable bigs like Steve Jobs and Larry Ellison, or Hollywood-crossover types like Jeff Skoll, eBay's first employee turned movie producer. Walt Mossberg, now employed by New Establishment perennial Rupert Murdoch, also squeaked in. The consolation prize Vanity Fair offers: Its "Next Establishment" list, reserved for the likes of Twitter's Ev Williams. It's a marvelous piece of New York media trickery — flatter the geeks by making them feel included, but corral them into a side room so the real power brokers aren't offended by comparison. True, the "Next Establishment" suggests that these are people who might matter in the future. But in saying that, Vanity Fair's editors are also sending the message that right here, right now, its "Next" nominees are nobodies. On this year's list:

For months, the rumor mill has been buzzing that Whitney Port of The Hills (she of the goofy mugging and relatively drama-free lifestyle) would be receiving her own, New York-set MTV spinoff. Last night's Hills episode, then, seemed in many cases like a trial run for that series, as fearsome People's Revolution flack Kelly Cutrone sent Whitney to the Big Apple to do some model castings, eventually manipulating the gangly blonde into a date with a shaggy-haired hunk. Does Whitney have what it takes to assume center stage, or is she forever destined to play curious second fiddle to the mothership series' Lauren Conrad? Remarkably (and with the help of videographer Molly McAleer), we were able to get our hands on a classified notes session smuggled from deep inside the bowels of MTV, and the candid reactions from execs Sheryl Rather-Wexler and Kip Finkelberg Jr. may shed some new light on Whitney's primetime viability. Godspeed, girl. [MTV]

Though MTV isn't always respectful of its own history, it can usually be counted on to remember one thing: a VMAs ceremony is nothing without a memorable kiss. Whether it's Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley or Madonna and Britney Spears, celebrity-on-celebrity Frenching is an absolute must if the network hopes to draw buzz through umpteen rebroadcasts the following week. Luckily, one of this year's biggest songs — "I Kissed a Girl" — gives MTV just the opportunity it needs. Says E!'s Marc Malkin:

Though it pains us to say this, we think we may be over Lo Bosworth, the incipient villainess of The Hills' fourth season. When we first met Lo, she was amongst the most breezy members of Hills forerunner Laguna Beach, but there's no place for cute quips on The Hills when out-and-out bitchery will win the day. That, ultimately, is what makes Lo's transformation all the more frustrating — though she has settled into her role as Audrina's archrival for their friend Lauren's attention, her irritating machinations are actually making us root for the blank blogger (and that's saying a lot). With the help of Molly McAleer, we pored over last night's episode and put together a list of the top five reasons we simply can't support Lo anymore. Lo, you're on notice: we're officially frienemies now. [MTV]

There will come a day—maybe not in the near future, or even the distant future, but perhaps thousands and thousands of years from now—when the significance of the early 21st Century pop-cultural phenomenon known as The Hills will make itself fully known. At that time, trillions of shipbound lifeforms coasting through the universe will already have been hard at work, tending slavishly to their Heidi and Spencer Pratt Solemnity Shrines and anointing young LC-alikes in dabs of Suddenly, Audrina—the most seductively floral of all Official The Hills Scents—before sacrificing the virgins to the mighty reality Gods ensconced atop Mt. Bolthouse. Doing so will inch them ever closer to utter and complete, like, enlightenment. In the meantime, however, artifacts like the one above will remain nothing but mysteries, wrapped in enigmas, stuffed into leotards, and adorned with deeply symbolic terrycloth headbands. Tomorrow never dies. We wanna live forever. Let us hear your bodies talk.

If MTV's new fascination with the "spoiled rich girl" reality genre annoys as many viewers as it attracts, tonight's premiere of Exiled attempts to satisfy both audiences. In the new series, several of the worst teenage offenders from My Super Sweet 16 are sent by their parents (one of whom, it appears, is Tracey Ullman doing her Arianna Huffington impression) to remote locations where they must learn to get along with third world villagers and perform back-breaking labor, much of it involving animal feces. While a lot of ink could be spilled dissecting MTV's habit of building pretty girls up and then tearing them down, we'll quote instead from one of the kindly villagers, who stares at an Exiled cast member and says, "Sometimes you say stupid things." Villager, that's how she got her own show. [MTV]

We've learned a lot about MTV over the past week, and now, thanks to In Touch, we've discovered just how big a paycheck the network will write for spouting banal words of wisdom and emotionally abusing your TV girlfriend. Yes, someone has leaked the per-episode salaries for each personality on The Hills, and never have so many earned so much for doing so little. Star Lauren Conrad is the biggest grosser (pulling down $75,000 each time a curious Whitney asks, "So what went down last weekend?") but the rest of the cast earns a pretty penny, too. Salaries and analysis after the jump: