Here's a gallery of hot Asian girls — oh, and MySpace Tom (the one who's not your friend). Save your judicial inquiries — tipster Justin D. Alexander is proud to say he found these. Justin was surfing around and broke into Tom's secret MySpace profile. Since then, it's been secured, but Justin recovered these photos of Tom's:

• Today's "Reason that San Francisco is cooler than San Jose" is a warning to vegetarians: In Silicon Valley, waiters forcibly stuff meat down your throat. [Metroactive]

Sure, Tom is your friend. The Myspace founder is everyone's friend — but only in the meaningless way that Kate Moss is your friend until the blow runs out. Tom Anderson keeps his real friends on a private profile under the name "Tom-Tom." Forgive the boy for the asinine nickname; his friends love him to pieces, according to this accidentally public comment list found by Justin D. Alexander.

• Britney's manny — revealed! The ginger gentleman is 28-year-old Naval Academy grad Perry Taylor, who's really just one of Britney's bodyguards. Nowadays, that obviously means guarding her baby's body, too. [TMZ]
• As for her hubby, the inimitable K-Fed, he'd really appreciate it if you'd all respect one another on MySpace. [Lowdown (last item)]
• LA has designated some parking spaces for the mentally handicapped, allowing Paris Hilton to park just that much closer to her emergency crotch doctors. [Page Six]
• Brangelina deny any plans to get married, preferring that Shiloh remain a beautiful bastard. [IMDb]
• Larry Flynt is sued for sexual harrassment by a former employee. If you're working for that man, you really should know that "loud, obnoxious, and repeated noises of sexual gratification" just mean that the company's doing well — and who doesn't want a holiday bonus. [R&M]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' prenup will give her $3 million for every year they remain married, up to $33 million. Which is almost enough money to buy back her blackened, captive soul. [Scoop]

• Battle of the randoms: Stephen Dorff and Jeremy Piven get in sissy-slapping contest at Bungalow 8, mostly because Dorff cut in front of Piven in the bathroom line. Dorff's defense: "At least I am a movie star - you're only on TV! Cable TV!" True, but at least he's not Stephen Dorff. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Karolina Kurkova tolerates Piven's awkward flirting. [R&M]
• K-Fed gets jealous about Britney's manny taking over the domestic duties, but not jealous enough to put down the pipe for two seconds and change a diaper. [Scoop]
• Billy Bragg thinks Rupert Murdoch is trying to steal your MySpace content. Hungover hipsters suddenly rethink posting crappy music from unsigned bands. [Lowdown]
• Poor Philly endures the return of a 9-foot-tall statue of Sylvester Stallone. [Fox411]
• Newly sober Full House legend Jodie Sweetin has signed with Fuse to host their upcoming competition, Pants-Off Dance-Off. She'd probably want to keep the meth around for that one. [Page Six]

• In honor of the devil's big day, Maxim declares that as Satan, Katie Couric deserves to be their girl of the day. [Maxim]
• Maybe we're just slaphappy — no, we're definitely just slaphappy — but we cannot stop laughing at this stupid video. You know some lonely little gay is so in love with Anna Wintour that he spent an entire week locked in his parents' basement, creating this homage for the one he loves. It's sad and completely hysterical. [YouTube]
• If you want to smoke outside on the Maritime's patio, you must be sitting down. No standing — your lungs can't handle the strain. [HotelChatter]
• The Bulgarian Bar is back! Re-opening party to be hosted by Ariel Kaminer! [Gogol Bordello]
• The Wall Street Journal declares Philly home of the cheesecake. [Philadelphia Will Do]
• When MySpace wrongs you, upload hardcore pornography. [Consumerist]
• You don't want to know this, but the truth will set you free: Janice Dickinson spent three days in a hotel room fucking Dolph Lundgren and Grace Slick. OK, we lied. The truth will just make you a little sick. [Cityrag]
• Tricia Romano crawls deep inside Mr. Black's ass. [VV]
• And don't forget, today is the National Day of Slayer. Celebrate by rocking the fuck out with the angel of death. [NDS]

"Fuck Myspace," Ben Popken decided in May. So the editor at Valleywag's big brother Consumerist deleted his profile — well, tried to, anyway. But three weeks later, the dude never got the final how-to-get-out-of-Dodge instructions from Myspace.

• For those of you who think Gawker hates everything, we present the picture at right. As of this moment, we fucking love it more than anything in our otherwise empty lives. The nipple-grazing waistband, the faint suggestion of his package, snug like an Almond Joy... Yes, Matt Lauer, you have made our day. God bless. [The Daily]
• Heather Mills. Hardcore German porn. We've no idea where to even begin with this. [Sun UK]
• It's Gawker Stalker for the Sperry Topsider set: Yachtspotter, with which users track the locations of the world's most ostentatious, luxury battleships. Go forth and find thee a Diddy. [Yachtspotter]
• In other stalking news, there's great development for those obsessives who prefer to use MySpace to stalk the object of their desire. SingleStat.us notifies you when your crush's relationship status goes to single. 14-year-olds the world over rejoice. [TechCrunch]
• A groom from the Observer's Bridal Blog learns that newlyweds are not celebrities, and therefore they shall not receive swag. [NPR]
• Gay Pride comes to Queens, and the queens do celebrate. It's a modest parade, sadly, with no spectacular asscheeks to speak of. [Manhattan Offender]

Time for another roundup of the top dogs in tech, with names in bold for easy skimmin':

• Al Roker continues to amaze the denizens of Philly, revealing that he is, as suspected, a hugger. As is Matt Lauer. Katie Couric? [Insert controversial pause] Sure, guess you could say she's a hugger, too. In fact, the entire staff of the Today show molests one another daily. Except for Ann Curry. No one will touch her. [NBC10]
• So who screamed at Brandon Davis, berating him for revealing Lindsay Lohan's clit length and demanding that he "take a shower"? This girl, that's who. And she's Lindsay's biggest fan, so step the fuck off. [BWE]
• MySpace isn't just for greasy hipsters and perverse predators — it's also for wannabe Playmates. [TMZ]
• Judge a book by its cover. [Book Covers]
• To Do, This Weekend: fuck a sailor, and fuck him good. Then tell everyone you know before realizing what you've done, then go get a STD test. [NY Sun]
• Mike Myers and his hockey stick are thisclose to joining Yonah Schimmel's and ABC No Rio as LES institutions. [Cityrag]
• Seriously, Frank Bruni, could you make us love you any more? Stop it! It's unnatural, this affection! [NYT]
• Meet the Harvard-Yale lovematch from hell. You may feel inferior now, but just wait until they move into their first Park Avenue penthouse and they start throwing crystal vases at one another. [Julia Allison]

Since you loved it last time, here's what tech's top dogs did this weekend.

Forget BusinessWeek, the Red Herring, and Wired. Your start-up has made it when it's in Playboy. Worked for Larry Page and Sergey Brin — getting interviewed, not naked — and it'll work for MySpace.

And in Kotaku's E3 coverage:

MySpace's new IM client (now that creepy "friend" you added out of pity gets to TALK to you!) may actually not suck, judging by comments from the top tech bloggers. Jeremy Botter calls it "quite clean and user-friendly." Pete Cashmore says it's "slick, intuitive and well-designed."

Hoo boy. Maybe it's an authentic MySpace Tom story, but something this over-the-top could just be one girl's idea of a star-fucking story. Tom's a widely reported Asian fetishist and a bit of a perv, sure — but flying girls to LA for some action? Is Tom that Hollywood?

Face it, old-timer: Generation Y is already pushing you out the door. Valleywag's here to show you the Bubbleborn, the crowd of upstarts and young bucks overthrowing the Valley. Whether they're inflating or popping the new tech bubble, this is the world they'll shape.

MySpace (spotted blocking Buzznet just yesterday) plays another dirty trick in its desperate campaign for a walled garden.

The morning news from our favorite Fortune 500 tech firms:

It's been a while since we've checked in with Julia Diaco, the "pot princess" who skated on 25 years in prison for selling marijuana from her NYU dorm room by pleading out and getting probation. As it turns out, she's not just an entrepreneur: She also sings. Much like her fellow Rumson residents Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen, Julia (or, as she's now known, J-Dia) wants to make her mark on the music industry. We've gone to her MySpace page to sample her wares and will just say this: Someone needs to make her pee in a cup but quick. She may not be selling pot anymore, but if these tracks are any indication, she is clearly on the pipe.

Latecoming Valleyschwaggers have one day to bid on a first-edition Valleyschwag package — minus the tees and one sticker. Y'see, no one can come near a Valleyschwag package without taking just a little. [eBay]