Jersey Shore heffalump Snooki told the Daily News that she'd like to be called by her real name, Nicole, now that she's a published author. Here are some good reasons why that will never happen.

The Oregonian formerly known as Douglas Allen Smith Jr. finally got permission to legally change his name to Captain Awesome. It was inspired by a character on NBC's Chuck, which furthers the trend of Americans taking stupid names from TV.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin recently received an adorable puppy as a gift from Bulgaria. He wants to rename it. So Putin has turned over the task of naming his new dog to "all Russians." Though you can participate, too!

The most popular name for newborn boys in England and Wales: "Mohammed." Heh.

A beaver found living in the Bronx River has, after a contest, been named Justin Beaver, an homage to Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber. And thus marks the last time Bieber will ever be associated with anything beaver-related. [NYP]

Meet Justin Bieber, a 35-year-old Jacksonville man besieged by phone calls and letters from romance-crazed teenage girls trying to contact the fresh-faced singer of their dreams. Facebook even kicked him off the network for having a fake celebrity account.

Adios, "Magazine Publishers of America." Hello, "MPA—the Association of Magazine Media." The name symbolizes "how readers can engage with magazines...through nontraditional means like Web sites, mobile devices, tablets, events, social media, books, retail presences and even branded merchandise." Oh...clearly.

Oh my god! The Prospect Park Zoo in Brooklyn has two baby baboons, and they are so cute. They also don't have names, and the zoo is holding a contest to name them. Do you want to watch them play?

Your neighbors: can you trust them? Well, more than you could 100 years ago, when kindly "Mr. Smith" next door may have been a dirty German who changed his name. Today, foreigners just rub our faces in their un-American pronunciations.

Gary Guy Matthews is just a 46 year-old unemployed computer technician furry who finds gratification in dressing up in a humongous dog outfit. He's also an American, thank you. Why can't he be called "Boomer the Dog," if he wants?

Portia de Rossi is petitioning to change her name to Portia DeGeneres, "the last name of her spouse." Ellen and Portia married shortly before Proposition 8 passed—maybe the name change celebrates the gay marriage ban's demise? [TMZ]

The New Jersey white supremacist couple that named one of their offspring Adolf Hitler will not regain custody of their children, an appeals court has ruled. The children were removed from the house because of a domestic abuse situation.

Facebook appears to have solved the bug that led to the word 'Palestinian' being banned from page titles. But that's not their only problem: Now people with the surname "Arab" are being prevented from opening accounts.

The YMCA has rebranded itself as "The Y." It's not just a letter any more.

What would you name a dinosaur species, if you'd had a couple drinks? Probably something like "Buttheadsaurus" or "Danielle Staub Rex" or "Walter." These paleontologists, meeting over beer, decided to name their find "Mojoceratops." I like "Walter" more. [MSNBC]

New York lawmakers are considering a proposal to change the name of the state's Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities to something without the word "Retardation" in it. Unintended consequence alert: Could New York lose its reputation for surliness?

Bill Clinton rescued Laura Ling from North Korean imprisonment; now, Laura Ling is naming her baby after Bill Clinton. He's not the dad. Okay? Seriously. We knew this was coming as soon as we saw this picture, though. [Pic: AP]

It's not just fear of them being teased that should deter you from giving your child a trendy name. You, as a parent, might live to regret it. Well, one and five of you anyway, according to a British study.

What we name our children says more about who we are than who we hope they will be. And in the case of 2009's most-popular baby names, we are apparently people who love the Twilight series of books and movies.

Meet Stan Still, Justin Case, Barb Dwyer and Bill Board. They're among the names a survey revealed actual parents gave to their actual children — human beings, remember — because they thought they were funny.