Craving a Pink's hot dog, but were hoping to wait until the lines creep up towards Sunset before making the trip? Then you might want to swing by on Friday or Saturday, as Fox has decided to extend the themed lunch promotions that have delighted patrons of the News Café for years (dating right back to their Late Show Starring Joan Rivers pulled pork sandwiches in 1986) to the general public. That's right: "the 'Wieners' Who Brought You There's Something About Mary and Dumb & Dumber" are pleased to provide the first 500 customers to arrive at the landmark tubesteak stand a complimentary "Unhitched Dog," along with your choice of Farrelly Bros.-themed condiments, including tangy There's Something About Mary hair-gel-onnaise. Enjoy!

Because we're sure that you're curious about what theme-meal goodies your peers at Fox might be enjoying right at this moment while you joylessly pick at your on egregiously atopical commissary offerings (Paramount, Sony, WB, and CBS employees—it's clear your employers don't care about you), we share the menu from their lot's Fire Prevention Day BBQ, wrapping up right now on the lawn outside their dining facility. Historically, Fox has reserved the efforts of its finest thematic chefs for the glorification of series launches or season premieres, but with the network's new crop of Fall shows hardly meriting their timeslots, much less a gustatorial show of company support, they were forced to apply their promotional gifts to a more mundane source of inspiration. By the out-of-the-box combining of the activities of eating delicious food and learning about fire safety, we're sure that the number of on-lot conflagrations will be significantly reduced in the coming weeks.

The recent layoffs that swept the entertainment industry seem also to have reached the Fox lot, where we fear the entire Fox News Cafe Promotional Menu Department has been decimated by cutbacks. It's the only logical explanation for today's bill of fare supposedly celebrating 24's two-night, four-hour season premiere event. Feebly tied-in offerings like "pulse-racing pasta," "suspenseful sandwiches," and a "shocking" serving of Manhattan clam chowder make a mockery of the once-proud News Cafe theme-meal tradition. The most buzzed-about series on Fox's current schedule demands top-shelf effort, even if it results in an unappetizing, Bones-like misstep; better to overshoot the creative target with dishes like "Holy Shit! Did Jack Bauer Just Cut Off That Dude's Head? Meatloaf" then settle for the mediocrity of the "ticking clock combo." Fox execs better make sure that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't wander into the Cafe today, lest he express his rage at their promotional neglect by getting grievously drunk and asking permission to destroy the "Fucking CTU Salad Bar" in disgust.

We fear that the demands of the fall TV season, with its unforgiving schedule of constant show launches, might have finally taxed the promotional geniuses behind the Fox News Cafe's legendary themed menus to their breaking point. How else to explain today's bill of fare at the cafeteria, celebrating tonight's premiere of forensic anthropology procedural drama Bones? If ever there was a time to take a pass on getting cute at the deli counter and salad bar, this was it. Today's menu is jam-packed with macabre offerings certain to kill Fox employees' appetites in cold blood. The "Cadaverous Combo" couldn't sound more delish if it were served buffet-style from a coroner's cold slab. If that's not setting off your Pavlovian salivating response, how about the "Skeleton Sandwiches Featuring Premium Boar's Head Meats," which evoke ghouls gnawing at the last pieces of decaying flesh stubbornly clinging to the bone? Not so much? Then surely you'll want to slurp up the "DNA Daily Soup," which we pray in the name of all that is good and holy isn't from the cream family today. In a word: Yum.

Undeterred by the swift and resounding failure of its ex-con-with-a-heart-of-gold drama Jonny Zero and corresponding vaguely prison-themed menu at their News Cafe, the promotional visionaries at Fox have once again tapped the penal system for culinary inspiration. Right now, hungry employees can partake from a selection of Big House-flavored offerings, like braised pork fresh off the "Death Row"tisserie," "penitentiary personal pizzas," and the "solitary sandwich special" to show their support of tonight's Prison Break premiere. Sadly, there is no "shower rape corn-on-the-cob"; perhaps they're saving that for the wrap party.

Not to panic anyone in Century City or in the Fox "Nakitomi" Tower, but a reader tells us about a possible bomb threat at the Plaza: