Chest support theft report! Victoria's Secret is known as a BRA store, but is it also a ROB store? Long Island mom of four Katerina Plew says VS gave her the screw after they refused to meet with her about her idea for a new convertible bra, then ripped her off after the tipoff! The company's Very Sexy 100-way strapless convertible bra is really her own patented design, sez Plew—who sued! Now there's a legal meetup over the regal C-cup, cause the inventive mother is offended, brother. The two sides are taking their strapless tort back to court. It's a nuclear showdown on this brassiere throwdown! After the jump, compare Plew's patent plans with Victoria's Secret's own product: great minds think alike, or a thief in the night?

Which is funnier: hippie college kids engaging in a weed smoking festival, or the local paper trying to cover that event in respectable language? You decide! In honor of 4/20, 10,000 kids at the University of Colorado hit the quad for a massive smoke-out, and the Boulder Daily Camera was on the scene to record all the magical high-ass quotes that spilled forth from the participants. Here is just one, from freshman Emily Benson: "We're at the starting point of a movement," she said. "This is a big part of the reason I applied here — for the weed atmosphere." Ha, yes you did! And there are so many more:

Careful readers will have noticed something strange about the New York Post, today: there's less copy on each page, and a disconcertingly wide margin at the top and bottom, as if someone made a mistake. It's not. Rupert Murdoch's New York tabloid is shrinking, tomorrow, in honor of Earth Day; but the dimensions of the printed area were adjusted a day ahead of the actual paper, hence all the the white space. Rewind a second. "In honor of Earth Day?" Corporate America may kowtow to the environmentalists, but the Australian media mogul's News Corporation remains a bastion of planet-destroying bravado, surely.

Hello, athletic young women: are you "weary of being separated from boys and men in sports?" And eager to prove yourself "on a larger stage?" Well you're not going to make the WNBA, that's for sure. So why not do what 2,507 of your wisest female peers did last year and join the Marines [NYT]? In this period of difficult recruiting, the Few, the Proud are even putting in some extra effort to make their ads seem good to chicks like you!

First of all, it's just great that the New York Times has a headline today that reads "Zombie Strippers." It has to, cause that's the name of a new movie. But it would be great under any circumstances. The Times' stuffy assessment is that pretty much everyone "can sit this one out." But would they be saying that if they were facing down Zombie Jenna Jameson who was intent on eating their face? These are the questions that "ivory tower" journalists don't like to think about. The trailer for this thrill ride of a lifetime is below—it looks like it could be good! No it doesn't.

The Washington Post has fired a young reporter named Michael Tunison after he disclosed that he wrote for a sports blog on the side, and, additionally, may have been drunk at some point in his life. This is obviously behavior incompatible with his key newsroom position, "which included some reporting and writing and some clerical work in the Montgomery County bureau." You can just imagine the vast logistical difficulties that his newly revealed identity as a football fan would pose in his suburban newsgathering duties. Our jock-following colleague at Deadspin gently mocks the WP for being hypocritical and, frankly, stupid about the internet, but we say: kudos, Post. Your actions help give all bloggers something to make fun of. After the jump, a screengrab of the blog post (and drunky pic) with which Tunison "brought discredit to the paper":

"PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — Hunger bashed in the front gate of Haiti's presidential palace. Hunger poured onto the streets, burning tires and taking on soldiers and the police. Hunger sent the country's prime minister packing." Oh, really, Marc Lacey? Really, New York Times? Hunger did this? The inanimate sensation created when one's liver requires more glucose "bashed in" a gate and burned tires? Oh, sorry, are you trying to be poetic? A little fancy with the language? Great work! Your stupid lede made us too annoyed to read what is probably a very important and serious story about poverty. Your stupid lede and our hangover. Is it... the stupidest lede? Probably not! SO: find us even more egregiously 'poetic' Times ledes. Maybe we'll poll! After the jump, Denton's nomination for dumbest fancy intro to serious news.

The Post's Andrea Peyser, who is like a mix of Ann Coulter, Ed Koch, and a rat with rabies, has a few things she can't stand: liberals, whiners, all things pure and good. Now you can add to that list "millimeter wave technology," an improved airport full-body security scanning method. It sees through clothes and leaves nothing to the imagination! "It's enough to make me rethink my hairstyle. I'm not referring to my head." Gross, Andrea Peyser. Jesus. She watches a woman go through the scan, and cleverly riffs, "The machine also shaved off 15 pounds, a good argument for scanning females." I get it, women are fat! Then, she insists that a man go through, so she can look at his penis:

These mock newspapers are props from Clockwork Orange, Stanley Kubrick's long-banned 1971 movie, starring Malcolm McDowell as a psychopathic gang leader in a dystopic 1990s England. The Ludovico cure touted in the headlines is a brutal and experimental aversion therapy. Science fiction site io9 has a roundup of other futuristic newspapers from the movies. Enjoy the imagery: before print newspapers disappear from circulation, they'll disappear from movie-makers' vision of the future.

Photo by Nick Poteri

Bizarre racial thinker and conservative columnist John McWhorter today muses over his run-ins with the smug, misguided intellectuals who infest American higher education with their "radical leftist perspective." It's a standard-issue argument against political correctness, which ignores the salient point that conservatives are just as convinced of their own righteousness as liberals, they just don't have the numbers to assert their will on most campuses. Also, a tip for McWhorter: if you don't want to get argued with, you shouldn't have worked at freaking Berkeley. He says that the documentary "Indoctrinate U," out now, will help strike a blow against closed leftist minds. We agree that liberal political correctness is terribly annoying—almost as annoying as Republicans who use it as a canard to distract the world from their happy march towards fascism. Hey, this post is like a bad Poli-Sci class! The trailer for the film that will save beleaguered Ivy League ROTC students, after the jump.

Sam Zell, the crazy old man who bought some newspapers recently, is a champion of free speech, which is why he swears so much. So it's odd that he is suing some lady for defamation, right? Especially because the lady is not associated with us, and we have called him all sorts of things! Oh, the lady is Dianne Jacob, who represents the Second District on the San Diego County Board of Supervisors. Sam Zell also owns a trailer park company that has four parks in her district. Recently, they started raising rents. Dianne Jacob said some very mildly defamatory things about them!

The following email was sent by the deputy editor of The Straits Times, an English language newspaper in the only growing market for print papers left: Asia. Singapore, specifically. The editor would like to know if maybe anyone who is going to get laid off from the New York Times would like to go work in a country whose "press freedom ranks below Nigeria and just ahead of Russia." They are in dire need of copy-editors, apparently! The last couple were maybe caned? Email below, via Thomas Crampton.

And so it continues: The New York Times Company's ad revenues for January through March were 9.2% lower than last year. That, and a write-off, threw the newspaper company into the red for the quarter.

Your toothbrush holders: Are they sufficiently adaptable to our dynamic modern age? It's not the type of question you want to tackle on your own. Thankfully we have the paper of record to help guide us through the wild twists and turns of this perilous issue. And any story that includes the phrase "the powers at the major toothbrush makers" without so much as a qualifying chuckle has got to have something important to say.

Have you heard any wild rumors about anything in the news from any source at all? Why not call New York Post editor Col Allan so he can put it right in the paper! Last Thursday, Col's wife phoned him and said "Elaine died!"—referring to a family friend in Australia. But Allan, with a newspaperman's instincts, naturally assumed she was talking about famous restaurateur Elaine Kaufman. So he set his city desk to work calling all over town, asking her friends about her death. Finally some qualified reporter who should be fired immediately pointed out that, based on actual facts, Kaufman was not dead. Reminiscent of the Post's glorious, fictional splash about John Kerry choosing Dick Gephardt for his running mate, which likely originated with Rupert Murdoch. Ha, reporting for the Post is just like playing a game of Telephone! In Allan's defense, "Mistakes happen, chicken fish monkey pineapple." [Daily Intel]

Robert Downey Junior is portraying a newspaper reporter in a movie for the second time in as many years, for some reason. The troubled-but-admired actor is either going to get people to read newspapers again and save the industry or generate a new wave of sad, unemployable journalism school graduates. His latest project is The Soloist, now filming, in which he plays a Los Angeles Times columnist who discovers a brilliant but schizophrenic musician living on the street. The movie follows 2007's Zodiac, in which Downey Jr. played an alcoholic but brilliant San Francisco Chronicle reporter, a role that agreed with him. Despite the movies, the real-life inspiration for the actor's Soloist character sounds pretty depressed about newspapers:

Just as one tires of Sam Zell's schtick-the 66-year-old newspaper proprietor's folksy pep talks to Tribune newsrooms have become sadistic rituals-there comes a useful reminder of the alternative, the pompous grandees of journalism who used to run the newspapers. Six former editors of Zell's Los Angeles Times have spoken up, in the manner of retired generals opposing the war in Iraq, with generally unhelpful suggestions for the former real-estate magnate. Worst of the bunch is Dean Baquet, now Washington, DC bureau chief for the New York Times. Zell's threat to dismantle the Tribune newspapers' national and foreign coverage is not merely shocking, or stupid-according to Baquet, it's no less than "unpatriotic".

Daily News reporter Shallon Lester wasn't satisfied just secretly yearning to be friends with Paris Hilton, like most entertainment reporters. She wants to actually be her friend! On TV, at least. (Pictured: an actual photo montage of what the two would look like if their heads were in close proximity, via the NYDN). So the intrepid journalist ventured out to the auditions for the upcoming MTV show and small step towards the apocalypse "Paris Hilton Is My New BFF." How could a trained, professional journalist possibly blend in with a crowd of fame whores? It wasn't that hard at all!

The future of newspapers? It's like a trippy mural on the side of a VW bus in a bad movie about the '60s. But with a couple more buzzwords and nonsensical statements of purpose! The LA Times, stiff suffering from every single problem a daily newspaper can suffer from, even under new, Sam Zell-approved management, took 25 editors on a staff retreat this weekend "to figure out how to stop the bleeding and regroup as a newsroom for the digital future." When they came back, they had an inspiring memo from editor Russ Stanton and the graphic you see above. Click to enlarge.

The New York Sun, the little neocon paper we glance at so you don't have to, has a provocative question: what if Absolut, instead of making ads about Mexico taking over America, made an ad about TIBET? It's as if Matt Sanchez has surreptitiously landed a job on the Sun's editorial board, a scenario which is quite possible. The paper's reasoning, as it were, goes something like this: Tibet is tiny. But the IDEA of Tibet, under the "ice of Communism," is "a vast land extending deep into what is claimed by the Chinese communist party." Also, Tibet has been in the news lately with the Olympic torch protests, and so has Absolut. Makes perfect sense!