Our tireless observation of the Liz Smith Dirty Old Lady beat has yielded its second bounty in a week, with the lesbian gossip icon waxing fanciful about Nicole Kidman's glorious, supple, unaugmented breasts. "I do recall Nicole saying to me in the distant past that she always felt she wasn't well-endowed and she wished she were," Smith wrote today on her site Wowowow, directing readers to a photo of her and Kidman. "Does this look like a girl who needed breast surgery? No, this is Nicole all natural as the good Lord made her at the Vanity Fair party Oscar night. I admire a fine belle poitrine as much as anyone, but I can't stand these added-on half grapefruits that look as unnatural as can be. I have known Nicole for a long time now and her natural assets were quite good enough to start with." No fans of bolt-ons ourselves, we're happy to have at least this modest overlap in taste in common with our hero; really, for a while there we thought we'd lost her. [Via Queerty]

Semi-sane octogenarian gossip Liz Smith is really feeling her oat bran now that she's cranking out columns for the aged women's site WowOWow.com. In her latest effort, she tackles the issue of our time: the rumors of Nicole Kidman's breast augmentation. And she speaks without fear or favor:

Looks like Nicole Kidman should take notes from fellow country crooner wife Faith Hill when it comes to groupie love. At a Keith Urban concert in Australia two nights ago, underwhelmed Nic didn't hide any signs of boredom from her VIP seat. There was yawning, there were eyelids dangerously close to shutting down, and even a not-so-subtle glance at her watch just to check how much long she'd have to slouch through Urban's self-proclaimed "awe-inspiring prowess as a guitar player with lightning dexterity." More pictures of Kidman's enthusiastic attendance after the jump, plus our suggestions for how to redeem herself next time:

A photographer for Flynet was innocently... doing something yesterday, when Nicole Kidman's bodyguard rushed up and brutally attacked him! The attack was, predictably, caught on film. It resembles a rhinoceros rushing a jeep full of tourists on an African safari. What made the bodyguard so angry isn't shown, but it does look like the photog got pretty bruised up from the attack. The full clip of the bull rush is after the jump; when will they learn to just throw projectiles from afar, instead of trying to pull the paparazzi out of their cars?

Having devoured celebrity knees and lips in their quest to mock each and every imperfect body part they spot on the red carpet, the British press is now preying on something they've dubbed Bat Face, singling out Nicole Kidman as the epitome of Botox overload. Though the picture of Nicole they use isn't pretty, the bat is actually kind of adorable (at this point, we are far more scared of seeing Nic enter our room in the middle of the night than this cuddly little rat with wings). In fact, Nicole looks less like this animal than she does another: Michael Jackson. And she's not alone. Rather than naming the immobile facial trend Bat Face, we're thinking the look is more a symptom of MJ Syndrome, which also counts Renee Zellweger and Teri Hatcher among its victims.

If you want to look just as scarily skinny as the likes of Kate Hudson and Renee Zellweger, the solution is simple: eat nothing but boiled eggs and water, develop a healthy addiction to caffeine and cardio, and devote your evenings to chain-smoking and reading Us Weekly on the john. The latest "news" on celebrity diet secrets comes to us courtesy of the Daily Mail, who asked a handful of trainers and nutrition experts what's in between the lines of all those helpful How Kate/Jessica/Reese Got Slim stories. And even if some of the answers don't exactly whet your appetite, guessing which celebs the so-called experts are outing is almost as much fun as biting into a Double Double. Take this nugget for example:

Publicists tend to be one of two things: boring, lips-sealed mouthpieces armed with "no comment" at every twist and turn or loud-mouthed toughies whose sole duty on this planet is to defend their Amazonian clients. Nicole Kidman, for better or worse, is repped by the latter: one Catherine Olim, who sent out a nasty rebuttal regarding NY Post columnist Cindy Adams' claims that knocked up Nic threw a few back at the Oscars. And despite our affection for long-time gossip Adams and her kookily nonsensical musings, we're officially on Team Olim after hearing this statement:

When you're five months pregnant, sheer fabrics and subtlety don't exactly go together. But Nicole Kidman, seen here promoting The Golden Compass in Japan yesterday, is brazen! She will show you her baby bump and you will like it! On the opposite side of the spectrum is Nicole's replacement, Katie Holmes, who wore a Look Ma, I'm Not Pregnant silk dress to last night's Costume Designer's Guild Awards. How tight was it? So tight that we now possess the knowledge that Tom Cruise prefers his women to wear low-cut cotton undies. But putting their triumphant maternal updates aside, what's with Tom's paramours and their preference for Auntie Mame numbers?

Hearing the news that Nicole Kidman will play Valerie Plame in the upcoming big-screen version of PlameGate is like hearing your biggest crush is going to be at some party: yeah they're really cute and that's great news, but who else is gonna be there? As in, who's director Doug Liman gonna get to play Dubya (our vote: Will Ferrell, of course!)? Scooter Libby? Bob Novak? Cheney, for chrissakes? As the Jumper director told MTV News, his take on tackling what could go down as one of George Bush's biggest missteps might require more far-fetched casting choices than Cinematical's suggestion of Richard Gere for Novak. As Liman says, "I have a really, really insane take on how to tell it. It's so outrageous." You know what would be really outrageous? Casting the entire movie using members of the SNL family!

Defamer just managed to get our grubby mitts on a secret copy of a strongly-worded letter that "Actress" Kirstie Alley's legal team over at Goldman & Kagon recently sent to US Weekly. In it, the firm asks that United States Weekly sever their relationship with fashionista/comedienne Danica Lo because of an innocuous Scientology joke she made at the expense of billion-year contract escape clause benifitee Nicole Kidman. The joke in question ran in the "Fashion Police" section of the mag and referred to an outfit Kidman wore to the Australian premiere of The Golden Compass, which the tony Miss Lo described as being "specifically designed [to repel] Scientologists." Um, zing? The legal letter and offending picture follow after the jump.

We thought yesterday's news of Nicole Kidman allegedly hanging on to placenta deriven from her 2001 miscarriage was juicy (er, bad word choice?) enough, but it took a little research into the blob's backstory to turn Andrew Morton's claim into a full-fledged screenplay-worthy scandal. As you'll recall, back then we still relied on greasy newspapers for our gossip as The Internets were still years away from taking off as a veritable information highway. And man, was there ever a lot of gossip circling around the set of Moulin Rouge around the time little Placenta came on to the scene. We did some research on Lexis Nexis this morning and, after the jump, we present the complete history of some of the gorier deets surrounding the Cruise/Kidman divorce, co-starring Ewan McGregor, Stanley Kubrick, and Penelope Cruz.

Once upon a time, all the townsfolk claimed that Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor made a baby on the set of high-kicktastic Moulin Rouge. Well, maybe not a baby, but they made some placenta, according to a new tome by journalist Andrew Morton called Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography (you may have heard of it). Morton claims that little Placenta lived on, literally, in one of Nicole Kidman's various homes, in the event of a paternity dispute from then-normal (and then-husband) Tom. But wait! No story about TC and baby glands would be complete without a statement from the Church of Scientology!

Just when you thought no one could possibly be having a worse winter than Tom Cruise, what with movie flops, creeptastic videos and that whole Nazi thing further ruining his already ruined image, here comes Harvey Levin to shed some light on how his "other" kids have it even rougher! Gone are the days when we were bombarded with one-big-happy pics of Tom and Katie at son Connor's soccer games, or shots of awkward-but-jolly daughter Isabella trailing behind Katie at the couple's nups in Italy. So where in the world have they been? Camping out with Alexa Ray Joel and Al Gore, Jr. in some sort of refuge for MIA celebrity kids? In this clip from TMZ, we get some answers.

With yesterday's news that Nicole Kidman is pregnant with husband Keith Urban's baby (his little Cowboy-hatted fish can swim!), the one irrefutable bit of evidence that Kidman's privacy-guarding flacks used to dispel the circulating rumors ("She can't possibly be having a baby! She's far too busy filming a movie that would render any such dramatic physical fluctuations a major inconvenience!") has now revealed itself to be utterly obsolete. Not only has Kidman left production on The Reader, but People is now reporting that she's been replaced by another A-lister:

Whoooop! Whoooop! All hands on tabloid deck, the sirens are sounding, we have confirmation! Nicole Kidman and New Zealandish country singer husband Keith Urban have finally addressed what many in the baby-bump-scrutinizing trade have long suspected—that contrary to what her rep Linda McBigfatliarface said just a few weeks ago, Kidman is indeed pregnant! Yay! [People, Extra, OK!, Morning Herald, E Online, UsMagazine.com]

Forbes.com has curated yet another multimedia gallery of famous faces and their estimated earning potentials, but in a less-charitable twist on their favorite theme, these are The Most Overpaid Celebrities, and some of them may surprise you: everyone from Nicole Kidman, whose The Golden Compass vastly overestimated audience's interest in backyard polar bear fighting, to Will Smith, whose three-tiered template to conquering Hollywood—FX, creatures, and love—we thought was as close as anyone has come to movie-stardom code-cracking.

At long last, The Golden Compass, New Line's high-stakes attempt at launching yet another massively profitable fantasy franchise, opens today, though the buzz on the Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig movie is lukewarm at best (currently a 44% Tomatometer score). Will director Chris Weitz prove he can effectively trade in pastry-penetration for shiny magical trinkets and talking CGI polar bears, or would the overstuffed and overlong epic, as frigid as Kidman after a cosmetic emotion-removal procedure, not even manage to inspire Andy Samberg to roll out of bed this Sunday with a box of freshly baked cupcakes for a matinée showing? A sampling of what the critics are saying:

At last, "The Golden Compass" is out, and while it's getting decidedly mixed-to-meh reviews, Nicole Kidman is coming out on top! She's so untouchable! "For once, the smooth planes of her face, untroubled by visible lines, serve the character," says Mahnola Dargis. She's... life-like! "As embodied by Kidman, Mrs. Coulter is tall and composed and as cold and scary as a movie star," says Mick LaSalle. She's possibly animatronic! "A working forehead isn't required here. In fact, Kidman's resemblance to some sort of demented Barbie doll actually works in her favor," says Sara Stewart. [Photo: AP/Peter Kramer]

· Nicole Kidman or wax figure? Even the experts are left scratching their heads.
· Like we needed this right now: Kiefer sentenced today to 48 days, starting immediately. Good news, though—it's in the Glendale City Jail, not L.A. County. We hear they have an In-N-Out Burger!
· Watching this exclusive first-look of the Speed Racer movie, we're instantly reminded of this Knocked Up exchange: "You know what's interesting about [Matthew Fox]? "What?" "Nothing."
· The 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled against a Wisconsin inmate banned from posting a photo of Jennifer Aniston in his cell, but issued a "snarky" ruling that made cracks about Along Came Polly and Rumor Has It, and suggested a legal loophole that would allow for the displaying of magazine pictures.
· For the second night of Hanukkah, we offer you this extra-special gift. (Make sure to stick around at least until Zadie shreds the melting Stratocaster.)

With nothing more than some savvy wardrobe choices, a few thousands strokes of a hairbrush, and enough Botox to magically vanish the laugh-lines of the craggiest of Hogwarts headmasters, The Golden Compass's stylists were successful in transforming Nicole Kidman into a villain every bit as terrifyingly handsome as the most feared dandy wizard in the Ministry of Magic. [Manolo the Shoeblogger]