So the big Rolling Stone 1,000th issue party was last night, and we've received several reports. Consensus seems to be that it was fun but not as celebrity-laden as Jann would have wanted; the Strokes were good but they were basically the extent of the music; the gift bags sucked; and Jann had a good time. After the jump, reports from our on-site spies, who set the scene, ID the guests, and, in the case of one unhappy caterer, just vent.

Friday:
• At "Breaking the Band," OC creator Josh Schwartz explains his awesome power to make indie bands non-indie. (Hint: Having a TV show helps.) [Paper]
• The Whitney hosts Matmos, whose past musical experiences include "simulated cranial drilling and rat-cage plucking." Like you haven't seen that a million times before. [flavorpill]

It's Cinco de Mayo, and we all know the best way to celebrate: With Blue States Lose, in which Joey Arak puts down his margarita long enough to dig through the photo galleries at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey ridicules the deserving for the good of society.

• NB to Scarlett Johansson: You're ours, bitch. You're just pretty property of the paparazzi. If you continue to fight it, you'll only continue to embarrass yourself. [Gilded Moose]
• Uh, breaking? Britney Spears did not have a press conference today to address pregnancy rumors. So, you know, back to rampant and unfounded speculation. [BlogNYC]
• One man dared to follow Tom Cruise all over town yesterday. That man is to be respected, but only from afar. Get too close, and he seems kind of scary. [Confessions of a Celebrity Stalker]
• Now that Mexico has legalized marijuana, cocaine, and heroin, you'll have a much easier time deciding on a vacation locale. [NY Sun]
• When it comes to Kaavya Viswanathan satire, Forbes' Karl Shmavonian gives Mediabistro's Laurel Touby a run for her money. [Forbes]
• Our dark master emerges from his gilded loft! Oh, the sunlight, how it stings! [Blogebrity]
• In the Times' write-up of the Costume Institute Gala, there's but one line you need to read to understand it all: "'Can you believe they're giving us pies?' a British model said when a lamb pie was put in front of her." [NYT]
• Herve Villachez, just because we feel like it. [Pimpadelic Wonderland via Vidiot]

• It doesn't happen very often that artsy people open their inner circle of elitism and crudites, but when they do, you should hop on board. Tonight, El Museo del Barrio gives informal insights on the works of Felix Gonzalez-Torres. [flavorpill]
• The East Village Opera Company hits Irving Plaza. It's more rock-n-roll than typical opera music, but if you go you can still feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. [EVO]
• Rolling Stone continues its charge towards relevancy with the world's most absurd party at the Hammerstein Ballroom. You stand absolutely zero chance of getting in, but we're urging you to storm the door and give it your best shot. Ladies, just say you're Jann's surrogate. [Upcoming]

• Tonight's Dave Hill Comedy show features the kids from the late band Luna — they'll be chatting, singing, and making you love them more. If that's not enough, we hear there might be a donkey. [DHO]
•Puracane rhymes with "hurricane," which we find incredibly distracting. They play tonight at Tonic with Dana Kletter and the Looking. [Tonic]
• If you're not so much into sports and/or writing about it, the Varsity Letters Reading Series still has something to offer: Vanity Fair's David Margolick will be reading. Heckle loud and proud. [Varsity Letters]

We don't know how it's possible to have spent a significant chunk of our day scrutinizing photos from last night's Met Costume Institute Ball and not have vomited into our laps, but here we are, thighs clean and stomachs under control. The sartorial criticism should be left to those who are much better suited to it, but we can't ignore the image at right, of gay matador Zac Posen and his date, former Observer scribe-cum-swan Jessica Joffe.

• Accents galore: Brits Off Broadway brings indie theater from the UK to your living room. Definitely for those who prefer the original version of The Office. [flavorpill]
• What follows a gig as Bill Clinton's Secretary of State? Reading to the proles at Barnes & Noble, of course. Madeleine Albright moonlights at 7; buy the book and end her misery. [Paper]
• The Yeah Yeah Yeahs screech for the mainstream, hitting Roseland to play for the masses. Go and talk loudly about "when they were still cool." [Upcoming]

From last night's Publishers Marketplace deal report:

As judged by the number of Getty photos listed for individual luminaries (names selected at random) present at last night's event.

• Sometimes known as The Microphones (but not today), Mt. Eerie performs his "lo-fi, often acoustic tunes" tonight at Knickerbocker. Lo-fi, acoustic, schizo — it's OK for a Monday. [flavorpill]
• You might only remember Bernadette Peters from The Jerk, but she's actually had a legitimate enough career to land her at Lincoln Center. Catch up on what you missed tonight in Avery Fisher Hall. [Paper]
• James Howard Knustler brings his apocalyptic, environmental premonitions to the most appropriate of audiences: the literary alchies at Half-King. Join the rampant activism at a reading of The Long Emergency. [Half King]

Defamer is committed to bringing together those who've spent their lives honing an impressive repertoire of salutations and organizations looking to make a clean break from their recent, customer-hostile pasts. The Roosevelt Hotel, home of infamously exclusive celebrity glory-holes Tropicana Bar and Teddy's, turns to Craiglist's inexhaustible talent pool to officially end the Amanda Scheer Demme Era:

Friday:
• The Death of Little Ibsen is different from all the other Ibsen commemorative productions in one important way: puppets. Get your Norweigan on at the Sanford Meisner Theater. [flavorpill]
• The Nietszche Circle convenes at the New School for a night of killing God and other fun group activities. Just another Friday night. [Upcoming]

It's Friday afternoon, and that can only mean one thing. The decadent joy of summer hours? Nope, not yet, kids. It's even better: The mockilicious joy of Blue States Lose. You know how it goes: As he does each week, hipster-hatin' Joey Arak fights his way through the photo galleries at The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel, and he gets all Mr. Blackwell on them so you won't have to. After the jump, it's Joey's world, and we're all just visitors.

• Vanity Fair contributing editor John Connolly has been informed by the U.S. Attorney's office that Anthony Pellicano has "threatened his safety." Connolly has written several pieces on the wiretap case, including the latest in the June issue, and just signed a book deal on the subject. Nikki Finke counts this as the third journo Pellicano has threatened, and the first NYC-based of the bunch. Congrats, Connolly. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Predictably, Harvard has started "gathering information" on the case of plagiarizing prodigy Kaavya Viswanathan. It's not a formal investigation, but is it ever? Also, of her book deal, she says that she "just thought everyone was being nice" to her. Har. [Crimson & NYT]
• Anderson Cooper will start appearing on 60 Minutes. That's double the silver foxiness! [NYP]
• Russell Crowe accuses of Sony BMG of leading him on before they decided against giving him a record deal; Crowe chucks phone at record exec's head. [Daily Telegraph]
• Only the classiest advertising for George Clooney. [AdFreak]
• Buddha Bar gets a death sentence: "Like Spice Market meets Ninja." [Snack]
• Enjoy information while it's free, 'cause it might not be for long. [FT]
• We'll help this kid out, but only in the name of threesomes. [HWTB]

Daily Candy editor-at-large Dannielle Romano grabs hold of DC founder Dany Levy. We fear we have pictures of Dannielle displaying similar enthusiasm for us.

Even without a venue in which she can adequately ply her celebrity-pampering trade, temporarily clubless nightlife queen-in-exile Amanda Scheer Demme name is still making frequent appearances in the gossip sheets. (And, occasionally, in the NY Times) Today's Page Six keeps her personal brand alive with an update from Demmeland:

Nerve co-founder Rufus Griscom succumbs to the throes of conjugal bliss.
At Nerve.com's offices last night, sex fiends and internerds came together to celebrate the launch of Nerve Video, their new service designed to help you understand your body that much better (or at least make you laugh, like this NSFW cartoon). Ourselves being big supporters of the sex lives of internerds, we sent Gawker staff voyeur Nikola Tamindzic to the party. After the jump, his NSFW porny yearbook.

• "Harry Partch created his own 43-note intonation system and then handcrafted and altered instruments to play within it." 1 out of every 50 audience members will know what that means, but it doesn't mean that Dean Drummond's Newband concernt won't be fun. We think. [flavorpill]
• Monkey Town hosts Earl Dax's Fishbowl Cabaret video/performance tonight. If the queerness doesn't do it for you, we hear they have a complete reel of Tom Cruise on Oprah. A psychosis retrospective is never dull. [Monkey Town]
• NYU hosts "My Russian Grandparents and Their American Vaccuum Cleaner," a talk by Israeli author Meir Shalev. "My Canadian Cousin and their Guatamalan Dustpan" was sold-out. [Upcoming]

• Teen lit packaging expert Lizzie "Old Hag" Skurnick talks about the realities of 17th Street's "packaging" of Kaavya Viswanathan's first novel: Packagers are writers and editors who get the job done quickly for larger publishing houses, and make a lot of money doing so. If that meant pulling out some stock passages for Viswanathan to get her manuscript in on time, that would explain the suspected plagiarism. Related: Why aren't we in the packaging business? [Harvard Independent]
• How do you calculate New York's nightlife apocalypse? Take a bill to freeze liquor licenses and multiply it by Axl Rose at Misshapes. [VV]
• Good news for anyone who likes to touch themselves: Nerve.com launches its video site. [Nerve]
• The FBI launches an investigation of Pellicano case leaks to the Times. PlameGate for Hollywood, yay. [Fishbowl LA]
• Fox News' Shep Smith doesn't appreciate being mistaken for Steve Kmetko. But who does? [You Tube]
• Donald Trump has paid the $5 registration fee necessary to become a Rhode Island state lobbyist, so now he can schmooze his way towards — what else? — yet another casino. [ProJo]
• For the record, we've no fucking clue who made a Gawker MySpace profile — but we're thrilled to have 541 friends! [Got Detroit]