Superbugs! Libido lack! Depressed students! Football brain! Dumb food docs! Marines with cancer! Whooping cough! Headline minds! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—as best we can, through the fog of concussion!

It's not hard to make Laura Ingraham look stupid—Stephen Colbert did it just two nights ago!—but who would have thought that Bill O'Reilly would make Ingraham look stupid? Inside, video of their heated Factor discussion about school nutrition.

Oooo, it's almost time for a brand new Government Food Pyramid! A panel of nutrition experts issued new Dietary Guidelines yesterday for Americans to ignore. The only ones paying attention: Kraft Foods Inc., your friendly corporate diet overlord.

You know what? Fuck all ingredients. They're nothing but trouble. Take salt: Everyone hates salt now that the war on carbs and fat and sugar have been won. When will someone come up with an ingredient-less food product!? [NYT]

Recession health! Exercise sleep! Executive workouts! Cornhole fever! And tainted supplements poisoning you from the inside out, ironically! It's your Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while shopping for creatine, mmm!

Today in Weird Things the Health Care Bill Does: It requires all chain restaurants to post calorie and nutritional data for their horrible food! Yes, you will no longer be able to pretend that you are eating healthily.

Want to know how awesome starlets Lily Allen and Kate Moss stay in shape? This isn't a joke about blowcaine! You can do it, too. Kate and Lily took the most awesome Rock Chick vacay ev-ah and looked awesome. How?

"A nursing mother offered me a taste of her pre-pumped breast milk, and I took her up on it," announces David Sedaris, to a reporter. [NYT]

It's Thursday—the day when the New York Times Style section constructs tenuous trend stories designed to infuriate us about largely illusory issues! Woo hoo! Today's trend: crazy parents turn their kids into health food zombies!

In lieu of national health insurance coverage, America offers easy access to VitaminWater. If you're ailing, simply drink the proper dye-and-micronutrient-containing beverage, and you're good! But now some liberal "public interest" lawsuit threatens it all: