It appears that the days of the $2.25 subway ride will soon be coming to an end, a victim of the vicissitudes of progress. As we gaze grimly into the maw of the $2.50 subway ride, let us bow our heads, and elegize:

Brooklyn—the expensive parts of Brooklyn, the parts of Brooklyn you read about in higher-end trend stories—prides itself on being a great bastion of liberalism and diversity, a place where the intelligentsia can be proud to live. In fact, many of the proud liberals in these parts of Brooklyn are full of shit.

Buying an afro wig for a Studio 54 theme party thrown by your work is a totally reasonable thing to do. Less reasonable is buying an afro wig, wearing it to your theme party, and then continuing to wear it around New York City on a journey of self-discovery, during which you frequently take pictures with black people. Alas, that's exactly what Michelle Lapidos has done. Welcome to "Before and Afro."

Last week, two NYPD officers arrived at the Aliya Institute on East New York Ave. on the border of Crown Heights in Brooklyn. They were responding to reports of a trespassing homeless man, later identified as Ehud H. Halevi. Halevi argued briefly with the police, and then, as you can see from the video above, they beat the shit out of him — punching him, hitting him with a nightstick, and pepper spraying him. He was later charged with assault on a police officer.

How did you do financially last year? Very well, I hope, because rent in Manhattan, where all the breathless American dreamers yearn to live and "make something of themselves," rose 10% last year. The median rent in Manhattan is $3,200.

NY prosecutors want to classify street gang crime as "terrorism," even though the gang is not Middle Eastern. Odd.

Pamela Geller's terrible pro-Israel, anti-Islam subway ads have already been defiled in ways both artistic and journalistic. Now three separate religious organizations—two Christian and one Jewish—are beating Geller at her own game with strategically placed anti-anti-Islam subway ads.

Peggy Noonan. White. A white woman, yes, a Manhattanite, but a vital white woman, a woman of opinions, of breathing, of warbling on Sunday talk shows, about America—this America. This country. This great city, New York, where Peggy Noonan sips a gin fizz, contemplates that good American, Ronald Reagan (yes, a good man), and ventures forth—outwards, into the great bustling metropolis—to see what she can see. Lo! Peggy Noonan is surrounded by nonwhites. And what is that awful noise?

Yesterday, Gawker received a tip regarding a bizarre episode Amanda Bynes had Wednesday night in a New York bakery. It began, as many rips from sanity do, with a specialty cupcake. It ended with a firefighter threatening to break down a bathroom door.

The NYC Board of Health has approved a ban on large sodas, angering dozens of soft-drink lobbyists and neckbeards.

The NYPD's "stop and frisk" program is essentially a program in which black people are stopped and frisked due to their display of criminal risk factors, like being nonwhite. A shocking new poll finds that black people tend to believe there's something wrong with the program.

The news this morning: America continues to be a society starkly divided, in which a wealthy fortunate minority diligently works to prepare its own children for a future of perpetuating their social and economic dominance, while the less fortunate majority struggles simply to survive. It's Tuesday.

Cannabis-derived smoking drug marijuana, once confined to fringe attendees of elderly "hippie" music festivals and 1960s-era "dead heads," has now firmly implanted itself in America's youth culture, as teenagers embrace its "organic" marketing label and retro appeal. But surely this fresh-from-the-plant leafy green fertilizer-intensive drug will confine itself to our nation's rural areas, right? That's where you're wrong, parents—it's already making its way into America's largest city.

And outside of New York City, in case anyone cares, some 300,000 homes in New York state, Pennsylvania and Ohio have already lost power and at least 840 flights have been grounded. Earlier this afternoon, there were reports that a tornado touched down in Elmira, NY.

Do you like New York City? Or, really, anywhere between Ohio and Connecticut? Because, haha, it might not exist tomorrow. There's a "potential for a widespread damaging wind event/derecho" tonight — and risk of tornadoes around New York City. But what even is a "derecho"? And how can you protect yourself from it?

After an extended soggy winter, it's finally beach needle season in New York. Four New Yorkers stepped on beach needles in the past few weeks. Where were most of them, I wonder? Specifically? "Three incidents happened within the last three weeks on Staten Island."

If you planned to open a bordello in or around an IKEA, where might you do it?

Years ago, when an acquaintance of mine in Florida heard I was going to visit New York City, he replied, with complete seriousness, "New York City, huh? You wanna take my pistol?" This is because all those local yokel out-of-towners down south still imagine New York to be a dark, dangerous land prowled by muggers and rapists. The fools! NYC is safer than ever. Unless you're that one terribly unlucky person.

Ray Kelly, the head of the NYPD, is just so full of shit. His police department has a massive "stop and frisk" program which, by the NYPD's own statistics, is existentially programmed to stop and frisk hundreds and hundreds of thousands of completely innocent young black and Latino men with no real cause. It is a minority dragnet, so blatantly racist that not even the police chief can quibble on that point. He can merely say: it's for the black people's own good.

Generally speaking, no mischief perpetrated by teenagers is "news." Teenagers not perpetrating mischief is news. This is because—no matter what race, creed, nationality, or socioeconomic stratum they come from—teenagers are punks. Do not, however, tell this to the New York Times. They have a very incisive sociological story to write.