Last week, NYC Fox News anchor Greg Kelly, the son of NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly, was accused of rape by a woman who said that he, you know, raped her in her office following a night of drinking. Now, anonymous police sources tell the city's least trustworthy tabloid that Kelly may be innocent.

Out of work? Hard up for cash? Why not just post up in Times Square with "Help! I Need Money For Weed!" scrawled on an inexpensive piece of posterboard? Works for Josh Long! From the NYT:

Earlier this week, Manattan ad executive Suzanne Hart was killed in a freak elevator accident. These things are referred to as "freak accidents" because they are very, very rare. No matter; everyone is taking the stairs now, forever.

Lots of people enjoy traveling from their far-flung American hometowns here, to the "Big Apple," the "City That Never Sleeps," a place "Where Stars Are Born," and "You Will Probably Get Robbed." Please, gentle tourists, heed this Public Service Announcement: Do not let anyone "borrow" your credit card, here in "Gotham."

A few years ago, some dude actually found his "dream girl"—meaning some pretty girl he happened to spot on the New York subway—by drawing a picture of her, making a website, and watching it go viral. That had, at least, the whiff of being a clever idea with a happy ending. Then there's this.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has never been accused of taking a heavy-handed approach to governing. Want to smoke? Go ahead! Want to have a little salt with your deep-fried meat product? All you, baby! Want to camp out for a few weeks in a park to protest? Who's going to stop you? Only his army.

I don't mean to come off as a "sheltered Susan" who's not "street smart" about "how these things work," but I found this story a wee bit more disturbing than would be indicated by the paltry level of media attention it received. How do you become a prostitute in Brooklyn these days? Just by being snatched off the street, at random!

Nate Hill is the New York artist behind the Free Bouncy Rides, Death Bear, the dead body dead body, and other, sunnier projects. Hill is biracial, and his latest work has a racial theme: for the next several months, Hill, in whiteface, will travel to Harlem as "The White Ambassador," prowling the streets to talk about important issues such as how white people are or are not stank. In the video above, watch as absurd performance art turns into an earnest and heartfelt conversation with a man on the street.

Cigarette taxes here in New York stand at four hundred and eleven dollars per pack, approximately, a burden to which New York smokers have reacted by grumbling slightly more than usual before heading out to turn tricks in order to score enough cash to buy three American Spirit loosies. "Rolling your own?" Don't try it, smart guy!

Say hello to Jose Pimentel! Jose, 27, pictured at right, lives in New York City with his mom, enjoys the Internet, and—according to "his friends" (the mainstream media)—is a "loner." Oh, and he was just arrested for allegedly making pipe bombs for terroristic purposes.

New York City mayor/bank apologist Mike Bloomberg is not our favorite politician by any means, what with his questionable media blackouts and hasty evictions and poor staffing choices. But we still don't believe he deserves to be tortured with—gasp!—a 24-hour drum circle.

Earlier this week, New Yorkers were shaken and alarmed by a report that Starbucks could be closing some of its restrooms in the city, leaving us all with nowhere to urinate except in Roger Ailes' face. The company denied the report, but this is simply too important of a story to "take their word for it." Now, the New York Times is on the case!

Have you used a Chase ATM near Union Square in Manhattan this year? If you live in or have traveled to Manhattan any time this year, I bet that you have! So, you should know that your ATM card information has been... not definitely stolen. But possibly! I'm sure you're just fine.

We know what Starbucks is up to. First, they started clearing out all the laptop hobos who occupy tables for hours while nursing a single cup of coffee. And now, Starbucks is cutting back on its free public bathrooms. It's almost as if this multinational corporation only cares about money!

In its infinite wisdom, the New York City Transit system has decided to stop shutting down the subways for repairs every weekend, and start shutting down the subways for repairs every weeknight. How will this affect you, the straphanger, and the "new breed" of trained subway thieves that prowl the trains to prey on you? Allow us to help you make sense of the new, improved New York Subway system.

Every so often, New York City gets a new Subway Hero. Usually, it's some dude who, at great peril to himself, jumps onto the tracks to rescue someone who's fallen down there. But that's been done. Let's give it up for the latest subway hero: the Groper Smacker!

Holly Van Voast (pictured, center) is a woman with a bold name and an equally bold cause: breasts, breasts, breasts. Holly Van Voast's breasts, specifically. In public! In a courtroom! Breasts everywhere, for all!

The annual War on Christmas—dormant since the bloody Holiday Battles of 2010—is back in full swing, according to a breaking news bulletin from local crazy cat woman Andrea Peyser. Even worse: now they're coming after the Jews!

Riverdale, the first NYC private school to charge more than $40K per year, has a bit of a PR problem. For one, they charge more than $40K per year. That's enough to make even rich people say "Dayum!" And on top of that, all the parents think they have to hire preposterously expensive "tutors" to help their kids pass. So... why are they paying Riverdale all that money, again?

America! A land in which our most treasured popular cultural symbols are just candy coating for our other, far darker cultural symbols. Maybe Mickey Mouse is worth a shit, after all.