Somali teen pirate sensation Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse (today's spelling!) went to court yesterday, and guess what, he cried. Will this give the NY Post the chance to use the term "Priva-Tears?" Let's find out!

Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse is the biggest young star to hit New York since the inimitable Lady Gaga! He's a teen Somali pirate; he's already famous; and he's about to be demonized for our collective amusement!

Kari Ferrell, the crazy pathological liar and scammer now legally known as the "Hipster Grifter," is already an internet superstar! We have new stories about her from unfortunate acquaintances. And the cops are everywhere!

Let's say an angry pit bull has a Menace Factor of 10. But make it a Japanese DJ's dog facing off against a "Celebrity facialist's" Yorkie on the L.E.S., and the Menace is, like, three.

Madonna, a song singer, paid $40 million to some lucky bastard for a townhouse on the UES. It reminds her of London, they say! Whatever. Here are some interior pictures of this rich, rich place:

If there's anyone who grasps the secrets of cultural "buzz," it's Spatial Information experts employed in academia. There's a new "Geography of Buzz" map that scientifically proves that "buzz" is centered...where events are held.

"In the Papers," as you know unless you have the grave misfortune to live somewhere where you are unable to enjoy Pat Kiernan's calm visage and dulcet tones in the morning, is a segment where Pat leafs through the morning papers, pointing out the stories that are interesting to Pat Kiernan. Now Pat's going to "expand his personal brand" by taking the segment online, so readers across the nation can allow Pat Kiernan to "'cut through the clutter' and compile the most relevant articles for readers each day."

America's favorite bad comedian Jimmy Fallon was kicked out of a pizza place yesterday! And not only that: one of our tipsters tells us the scene degenerated into a fistfight. Protect Jimmy!

A teenager was shot and paralyzed in Spanish Harlem in 1960; he died last month; and the NYPD reclassified his case as a homicide, half a century later. Cops are such sticklers.

Monday we heard that WNBC's Chuck Scarborough and KNBC's Paul Moyer, the Kent Brockman and Ron Burgundy of New York, were both potential buyout targets. And now loooooooongtime WNBC sports guy Len Berman—the guy who shows the bloopers!—is getting bought out:

Vogue-interning hockey star Sean Avery is opening a Tribeca "sports bar meets country club" with the proprietor of drug-free downtown nightspot the Beatrice Inn. A joke about Avery, Josh Hartnett, and coke goes here. [NYO]

A few months ago two Fashion Institute of Technology students were arrested for dealing coke, and they laughed about it, and were subsequently crucified in the tabloids. Now they're blaming hardworking, cock-referencing undercover police!

Law-abiding citizens, tremble in fear: the NYPD is no longer secretly patrolling the hooker ads on Craigslist. Are we safe without undercover cops trying to lure horny men into motel rooms and arrest them?

The Satanic Myspace page of 16-year-old John Katehis, who confessed to murdering newsman George Weber, has already been deleted. We've salvaged quite a few of his photos. Here, the complete, creepy collection:

The 16-year-old who's confessed to killing radio newsman George Weber — identified as John Katehis by the New York Post — used MySpace to profess his love for sex, violence, knives and Satanism.

Remember the iconic New York Magazine sign on Madison and 49th? Now it's a Burberry sign. Metaphor contest! We say "The triumph of the fetish over the fetishist." Sad for history. [Racked; Click to enlarge.]

An "emotionally disturbed" 16 year-old has confessed to killing ABC radio newsman George Weber in his Brooklyn apartment last Friday, in what appears to be rough sex gone very wrong.

More details have emerged in the murder of ABC radio newsman George Weber, who was stabbed to death in his Brooklyn apartment on Friday. It looks like a "sex slay," unfortunately.

Hey, it's the subway hero—he's talking! Chad Lindsey, the smoldering actor who saved a man from the subway tracks in what may be his best career move ever, reveals: his soul is golden.

NYC has a new subway hero—this time, an attractive young male actor. Let the starmaking machine commence! Chad Lindsey selflessly rescued a fellow rider; now we must all rescue him from Off-Broadway anonymity.