Today, writer of trend stories about quirky and often annoying men Spencer Morgan found He-Man chilling on a park bench and totally interviewed him:

Need a job, lovely lady? No, no, it's not prostitution, I swear. You just go out with a guy as his "wingwoman" and steer other girls towards him, and fend off other guys trying to horn in on his chicks. Not wanting to fuck him yourself should be easy!:

Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the surviving teenage Somali pirate, was back in court yesterday, making the best of his unplanned NYC visit. So far his main contribution has been to stimulate New York Post headline writers:

NYC's "Fashion's Night Out" stimulus plan: "[Stores] are being asked to stay open, as late as midnight, and to throw parties that will be open to the public." Will they also give out money? [NYT]

How bad is it out there? So bad that innocent citizens are being assaulted in fawncy downtown NYC much more than they were last year! Panic! How bad is it really? It's not that bad:

The Way We Live Now: Besieged. New York City is crumbling into bloody class wars in the street, if selective anecdotes are any indication. Crime will follow you to your hotel! And, locusts! One day:

Attention, our target demographic: do not miss your opportunity for a Free Bouncy Ride from someone in a plush Bluebird Furry outfit, on the Lorimer L train platform at 11 pm tonight. Clean, affordable fun!:

Last night at the Four Seasons there was a roast for its owners, restaurateurs Julian Niccolini and Alex von Bidder. It ended with PR demon Peggy Siegal calling Nora Ephron's son "a horrible person." Fun!:

A Michael Bloomberg appointee wrote one little essay for the Huffington Post about how Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the only good thing about dirty-ass Mexico, and now she's been forced to resign. Fuckin' Mexicans, amirite?

This is technically called a "horizonless projection in Manhattan" but it's basically a crazy bendy map of everything from 34th street down. Cool. [Here&There. Click to enlarge]

The Way We Live Now: Like Poors. Have you enjoyed being a member of the Middle Class—nay, Upper Middle Class? We sincerely hope so, because you are now evicted. Time to move to Florida.

Now the government says that it's not even going to release the photos of the FAA Terror Plane that buzzed Manhattan last week and scared the shit out of everyone, on direct orders from Obama.

The Way We Live Now: Miserly. Every penny's important. Any scam's a good scam. Jump the turnstiles! Carry a plastic bag wherever you go, collecting scraps! We're on our own now.

Fugitive Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell already has a standing offer to do some porn, and now she has another one to be on an awful-sounding reality show. This is how people "make it":

After we ran a new sighting of (we thought) dormant con man/ party crasher Priyantha Silva, the tips poured in! He's still out and impersonating Hollywood people and creeping out women, as usual:

Citizens: do not be alarmed that hundreds of your children are now being mangled by Killer Swine Flu Virus. The government will not stop until it has wasted billions on fighting this mild illness!

Do you love stories of high society intrigue, but can't stand young people? Then the Brooke Astor case has everything you need: Famous New York Families! Money! And best of all, criminal old people!

Longtime New York Observer editor Peter Kaplan is leaving the paper to, okay, "spend more time with the family," but why did he really quit? Perhaps...he'd had enough of rich young NYO owner Jared Kushner?

Peter Kaplan, the longtime editor of the New York Observer, is resigning from the paper on June 1. To spend more time with his family, he says.

The Way We Live Now: In rubble, soaked in our own urine. Americans are giving up on baseball. Iraqis are giving up on jobs. And entire cities are giving up on existence and bulldozing themselves.