Attention Americans, it's almost time to travel to your local movie theater to take in Nothing But the Truth, the ironically-titled Hollywood dramatization of the Judy Miller story! Miller, the former NYT correspondent (now with Fox!) who went to jail unnecessarily to protect Scooter Libby's right to plant fake stories with her concerning nonexistent Iraqi WMDs, is reportedly pleased with the film because it captures the "moral ambiguity" of her situation. It did so by casting Kate Beckinsale as (the much older) Miller, then "dramatizing" the story in order to make her a heroic, martyred "devoted mother of a seven-year-old" who "faces starker physical and personal consequences in jail." So, just how Judith Miller sees herself! Click through to watch two clips, exclusively featuring people who are far too attractive to be journalists:

The salacious title of the Weinstein Co.'s new Kevin Smith flick Zack and Miri Make a Porno is proving to be a bad decision. It's already screwed up the movie's marketing efforts. Must it lead to stilted reviews as well? "And so it will hardly be shocking that 'Zack and Miri Make a Porno' is about two people, named Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks), who make what my copy editors would prefer that I call a pornographic movie," writes A.O. Scott in the Times today. To be fair, the Times is full of pussy-ass hoes.

Hey, here's a surprisingly bold and fresh move, in opposite-world: the New York Times—a serious newspaper—is planing to give regular space on its editorial page to Bono—an edgy rock star! Will this odd couple possibly be able to get along? Will Bono stumble into the office at 7 a.m. after a night of wild coked-up groupie sex and start trashing the place, disturbing the morning meditation of Times editorial page chief Andy Rosenthal? Are Times readers ready for some motherfuckin rock-n-roll? Ha, of course what you really have to look forward to is six to ten editorials from another wealthy cosmopolitan liberal. Rosenthal and Bono have more in common than two ring-tail lemurs from separate sides of Madagascar. Wake us up when you hire Young Jeezy. [Radar]

Although the business media can't sell any ads during an economic meltdown like the one we're having now, it sure is a great chance for reporters to make names for themselves. Business reporters absolutely live for the periodic destruction of the American economy. This is their Normandy! After the jump, we survey the media landscape and pick out the winners and losers—all your favorites, from Paul Krugman to Jim Cramer, ranked on a merciless 10-point scale! [Ratings are on a 1-10 scale—with 10 being the best—and are based on how much the media person or outlet has benefited from the crisis, how right they've been, and how much influence they've had.] WINNERS

Oh nuts. Technology is ruining NYC. You see, according to the Sunday Times, no one will get lost in the city and discover awesome new "foreign" neighborhoods by accident anymore because kids have GPS on their cellphones and cabs have interactive touch-screens and the magic is gone, and that is really, really meaningful... For instance, never again will you get some of this crazy only-in-New-York-ness: "You go for a few blocks, unsure, your senses on the alert. In this fog of momentary disorientation, you are nonetheless aware of various clues: a whiff of halal spices, both foreign and familiar; a heated conversation in Polish in your left ear; a taxi driver cursing in Caribbean Spanish in your right." Wait. We'll all speak one language? It's Babylon! God will smite us!

We know some opportunistic types have been trying to capitalize on the magnetism of the iconoclastic updo of our favorite she-mav, Sarah Palin. But the true story of that hairstyle's humble beginning will move you. According to The New York Times, "The ballerina-pink Beehive, in a 1,400-square-foot ranch house, is a cut-and-color shop. A haircut is $30, discounted to $20 if you get the $95 color treatment. In a downstairs nursery, the stylists' babies play with mannequin heads. In a phone interview, Mrs. Steele, 37, described a kind of "Steel Magnolias" on permafrost, featuring Ms. Palin as a recurring presence." What follows is a heartwarming and utterly pointless tale of one woman and the fact that she has a hairdo: "With more-established salons throughout the valley, the Beehive would seem a surprising choice for Wasilla's then-mayor. Mrs. Steele started the salon in 1997 when she, a recently separated mother of two, put a salon chair in her garage and painted the interior Barbie pink. The two experimented with full bangs, side-swept bangs, clips, curls, twists and blond streaks. "We just kept polishing her look," Mrs. Steele said. "We would try more warm, red and coppery highlights or more of a contrast with pale highlights, not to be severe but just more striking." Super. I hope the didn't fly anyone to Alaska to cover this. [NYT] (Also, hairdressers are detectives. They know when you're knocked up, even when seemingly no one else in the state does. "She kept it quiet," Mrs. Steele said. "But I remember her hair was acting different. And I thought, 'Something is going on!' ")

Gerry Marzorati, editor of the New York Times Magazine, was recently spotted on a plane headed to Milan for a T magazine party, swearing under his breath as if he had Tourette's Syndrome. It's understandable-he's been working too hard. The man has his own magazine to worry about, and here he is trekking across the globe to celebrate the new magazines his paper keeps adding, like the the fashion-centric T. That's because print, despite being on the way out, still has its bright spots. Chief among them for the miserable newspaper industry: Sunday magazines.

Ads, of course, are everywhere. But at least back in the good old days (last week), they would only creep into the borders of our TV shows, rather than becoming the entire show itself. Well, those days are gone, friend. Give up your outdated ideas about what programming should be, and settle in with a bowl of wet food and your hungry cat for a fine evening receiving the subtle marketing messages of the "Meow Mix Game Show"!

Rob Walker, who writes the "Consumed" column in the New York Times Magazine every weekend (a sweet "job"), has a new book out in which he draws the sad—but unavoidable—conclusion that we are all a bunch of sheep blindly obeying a world of marketing messages. You think you're able to use your education, morality, and philosophical beliefs to rise above advertising? Ha! That's what all the sheep think. Walker's not a gung-ho Corporate America kind of guy, which makes his thesis that much more depressing. But it's hard to argue with him. Go drown your sorrows in PBR like the hipster that you are. Your chosen brands make up your very soul:

The New York Times Company is back in the money, baby! "Boston.com today announced that Cheapflights.com will serve as its exclusive travel search provider. " In a made-up related story, Cheapflights.com is now the exclusive travel provider for journalists everywhere, you better believe. [NYT Co.]

First of all, it's just great that the New York Times has a headline today that reads "Zombie Strippers." It has to, cause that's the name of a new movie. But it would be great under any circumstances. The Times' stuffy assessment is that pretty much everyone "can sit this one out." But would they be saying that if they were facing down Zombie Jenna Jameson who was intent on eating their face? These are the questions that "ivory tower" journalists don't like to think about. The trailer for this thrill ride of a lifetime is below—it looks like it could be good! No it doesn't.

Times columnist and walking self-parody Maureen Dowd insists today that "Democrats are trying to sneak up on Hillary, throw a burlap sack over her head, carry her off the field and stick her in a Saddam spider hole until after the Denver convention." Yep, the party is through with Senator Hillary Clinton. "Democrats are coming around to the point Jay Rockefeller made 10 days ago after introducing Obama in West Virginia: 'Democrats always make a mistake by nominating people who know everything on earth there is to know about public policy. I introduced both Al Gore and John Kerry at their rallies. They knew all the policies, but people didn't connect with them. You don't get elected president if people don't like you.'" Plus, the ladies of The View find Barack Obama "sexy," so surely the race is over.

LA Times publisher David Hiller, the corporate emissary the Tribune bosses in Chicago sent out to California to handle all the editor-firing, is a bit of a dork. He got all goofy and excited over the fact that the paper got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last year, which convinced the jaded LAT newsroom that he is a total touristy nerd who will never really grasp the City of Angels. He manages like a pussy, mumbling inaudibly about what his long term plans and mandates are before springing the hatchet on angry editors, according to lots of anonymous interviewees in a New York Times profile today. They also say he has sent notes about individual stories to reporters (a huge no-no for a publisher), and is considering putting the paper's entire Sunday magazine section under the control of the marketing department. On top of all that, he likes to sing corny songs. Whew! A weak manager, muddling around without a strong long-term plan, trying to endear himself to his inferiors in an annoying, kind of nerdy fashion. Who does that remind you of? New York Times publisher Arthur "Pinch Pinch Pinch" Sulzberger Jr., of course! Observe this list of Sulzberger's greatest Hiller-like moments:

Jesus, it feels like every week the New York Times finds a new "trend" involving Second Life, the virtual world that lets people interact with avatars to blah blah blah ugh. In the 65th Times story about SL, it's virtual job interviews, which even the Times knows are nearly non-existent, admitting that Second Life owner Linden Labs "doesn't keep statistics" but "says the number has grown exponentially" in the world's five-year history. Which could mean, since we're given no parameters, that there are all of thirty-two employers using a technology half as useful as AIM and a webcam. Also, the Wall Street Journal did this story, but better, last June. Bad enough, but here's what makes the Times's coverage of Second Life such an epic failure.

"The Rough-and-Tumble Online Universe Traversed by Young Cybernauts" is not the most promising headline for a NY Times trend piece. Nor is the lede, which reads like rejected copy for Season 1 of "To Catch a Predator." The Times is reporting on a documentary on PBS's Frontline, which dregs up the fears about the Internet that have floated around since the 90s. The Times grossly misrepresented the documentary; updates below. Problem is, these fears are unfounded, and the Internet is practically safer for kids than their own homes. I shall now demonstrate this with a truckload of stats, logic, and some admittedly unfair anecdotal evidence.

It's Thursday, and what's back in style this week, according to the NYT Styles? For certain men, vests "feel right again." (Did they ever feel wrong?) A few important points: the three-piece suit's "strength is also its weakness," but standing alone, the vest "kicks things up a notch." Vests were at Christmas parties, and are all up in the clubs. And also! Vests let men show off the size of their "drop," a sort of sexy waist-to-chest ratio. Perhaps most importantly, "you can feel your cellphone vibrate in it much better than in your jacket." What else has the Styles section proclaimed back for men in the last year?

The New York Times covered a lot of ground in writing about the net this weekend, but I noticed a weird trend:

We're the only ones obsessed with tech gossip, right? Not a chance. The New York Times can't help but slip some goss into a thorough article about Tom Perkins's angry 2004 resignation from the board of Hewlett-Packard:

In the latest comment on the Hewlett-Packard leaker-snooping scandal, The New York Times spanks the board by suggesting that its members need a lesson in good behavior (and a night class in ethics). "People just don't have a lot of patience with this board anymore," one analyst tells the paper.

Today's Spider Jerusalem Award for the best blurb in tech journalism goes to the New York Times's Ilan Greenberg, who writes about silicon scavengers digging through Kyrgyzstani landfills for the material that makes Chinese computer chips: