The recent flood of leaked celebrity nudes was a number of things: Gross, sad, frustrating, eye-opening. And, finally, somewhere down the list, it was: BORING.

Nude bodies are commonplace. We have them underneath our clothes, we can think about them literally any time we want, we can see them almost any time we want (by going to the museum to see paintings of nudes).

What is not commonplace, however, is the life of a celebrity. What do they do, eat champagne all day? Wear silk suits over their skin, but under their clothes? Have to struggle through mountains of gift baskets just to reach their chef in order to ask about something on the afternoon's tasting menu? I don't know! But I bet they have have photos on their phone that could enlighten me—photos to which a bunch of horny creeps have access and, for whatever reason, decide to put aside in favor of nudes.

Here is what the hackers should post:

1. Gift Baskets Full of Expensive Items

I bet celebrities get gift baskets full of expensive items pretty much wherever they go. Hotels, private jets, backstage at award shows, etc. What's in them? Fancy soap? An iPad with the Moët & Chandon logo on it? A nice bath robe? Mario Badescu‎'s best sellers? Gift certificates to spas and hotels, like they need them? A Frédéric Malle Bougie Joyeux Noël Candle, if it's the holidays? Necklaces with high retail values, but it's like, you know nobody was gonna buy that necklace anyway? [Specifically: Scarlett Johansson]

2. Fancy Cocktails

I'm imagining a photo where the left side of the image is the fancy cocktail and the right side is a list of what's in it. Do celebs have photos like that on their phones? (I don't know!) If not I would take just a photo of the cocktail. Also acceptable: expensive bottles of wine and photos of other celebrities enjoying the wine. [Specifically: George Clooney]

3. Antiques They're Thinking About Buying

Maybe celebrities take photos of antiques they're thinking of buying in order to send them to someone they pay to be knowledgable about antiques. I'd like to see those photos, if so. [Specifically: Tom Hanks]

4. Vacation Pics, Mostly of the Hotel

I'm not talking about boring pictures of celebrities on the beach. Anyone can go to the beach and the beach pics all look the same: like someone on a beach. I want to see pictures of beautiful hotel rooms, pictures of fancy room service, if it's a hotel room that has some sort of water slide that connects to the pool I'd like to see that for sure, maybe an especially nice cabana?, and maybe like if the hotel gives them some sort of a gift basket they can show us what's in the gift basket. [Specifically: Cara Delevingne]

5. Nice, Special Little Things

Just beautiful, unique little things they picked up here and there. [Specifically: Charlize Theron]

6. Restaurant Pics, But Only If They're Really Something

Like if they were given some sort of secret room, or maybe they're eating in the wine cave, or a REAL cave, or I don't know. Caviar 3D printed in the shape of Leonardo DiCaprio's head? The trouble is that none of these photos have been released, so I'm having trouble picturing them. [Specifically: Leonardo DiCaprio]

7. What's Inside of the Fridge in Their Pool House

What's in there? Champagne? Soda? What kind of soda? Bottles of water? Snacks? What sort of snacks? Aloe? How expensive? (You might be wondering, "Why would they have a photo of what's in their pool house fridge?" Obviously because another celebrity texted to see if they could bring anything and this celebrity texted back the photo and said, "Nope! Fully stocked!") [Specifically: Jennifer Aniston]

8. Photos That Clearly Show the Quality of Their Bath Robes

Can you imagine? [Specifically: Idris Elba]

9. Items Used in Their Skincare Routine

Celebrities have to have beautiful skin for their jobs, we know that for sure, but what we don't know is: how do they get it? Expensive at-home masks? Pricy moisturizer? Oils? Or, like, what? What do they do? Some sort of secret that they took a photo of so they wouldn't forget what it was? Gimme that secret! I wanna see! [Specifically: Emma Stone]

10. Rooms in Their Houses

Beautiful, bright, airy, impeccably decorated: you have to imagine that those are ways to describe the rooms in the houses of celebrities. We'll only know for sure once these photos are released instead of boring, garbagey nude ones. [Any]

[Art by Jim Cooke]