It's the first wintry day on the Eastern seaboard, and the sparrows are nowhere to be found. The sun cuts through the ice-wind but provides no warmth. A lone crow makes its rounds. Tila Tequila's firstborn is two days old.

Ms. Tequila, a reality television star, model, and the author of Hooking Up With Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party, gave birth to little Isabella Monroe Tequila (jk, her real last name is Nguyen) on Sunday.

I can't say that I like this name. Isabella is like the fancy hatbox of names: pretty on the outside, empty on the inside, and overall useless, because who wears big hats? Monroe, I am assuming, is after Marilyn, not James or the doctrine, which sucks for the kid because Marilyn was one fucked-up broad (I beg of you, old-cinema-obsessed parents, please name your daughters after Jane Russell. Or Shulamith Firestone. Please!).

But the name is fine. Sweet, even. It's not trying too hard. But it is trying. And I hope it succeeds. Because, weirdly, I only want the best for Tila Tequila.

This has been Baby Name Critic.

Leah Finnegan is Gawker's Baby Name Critic.

[Pic via Getty]