America's genetic dream child has been born, but neither its name nor gender have been revealed. Taking into consideration its parents' aesthetic, here are the Baby Name Critic's guesses as to what the tot might have been named. Please feel free to post your own guesses in the comments section below. Blessings to all.
When it comes to naming a human child, the only hard and true rule the Baby Name Critic adheres to in her private name consultation business (email leah@gawker.com for more info and rates) is that the child should be given an actual name, and not a name that is a pile of shit. It appears that Zoe Saldana, a Na'vi person, is yet another celebrity who has not heeded my timeless advice.
The Baby Name Critic was just eleven when Princess Diana died. It was a horrible day. Diana was like a fictional aunt to her, and even inspired her to get into the academic field of Baby Name Criticism (royals really do have the best time dredging up arcane names from the past for their children, and also giving their kids 19 middle names). When Diana died, the royal family lost most of its panache. Even Waity Katie can't really make up for the void Diana left, no matter how good her blowout is.
The Baby Name Critic had not yet been called to service when Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, a couple claiming to be Hollywood talents, gave life to their firstborn, a girl child unfortunately named Lincoln. If the Baby Name Critic had been writing for hire then, she might have said: Do not name your daughter after a geriatric brand of automobile/the 16th male president. Really, must we burden our young women by giving them both the first names and the surnames of men? A better solution for parents interested in honoring Lincoln's values, but also bolstering the feminist cause, would be to name your daughter after a strong woman of the Civil War era: Harriet (Tubman or Beecher Stowe!). Clara. Lucretia. All stunning names.
Very sad Princess Charlene of Monaco and her husband, very pasty Prince Albert II, have borne the world a gift: a pair of royal Monagesque twins. The Baby Name Critic is not sure how Prince Albert impregnated Princess Charlene, since it appears physical copulation is not an option for the two. But she will not dwell on such a matter on this joyous occasion.
It's a raw day here in the Big Apple, made all the more bitter by the malignancy of the news cycle. On days like these the Baby Name Critic thinks, how can we focus on baby names at a time like this? But the babies keep being born, and the parents keep naming them. So we soldier on.
The Baby Name Critic isn't one to ogle the male specie. She prefers to keep them at more than arm's length. Why, you ask? Because they can physically impregnate you at any minute! And even though the Baby Name Critic loves to critique baby names, she prefers not to be around babies. Also, men are awful (© official slogan of the Baby Name Critic franchise, est. 2014).
It's the first wintry day on the Eastern seaboard, and the sparrows are nowhere to be found. The sun cuts through the ice-wind but provides no warmth. A lone crow makes its rounds. Tila Tequila's firstborn is two days old.
As the Baby Name Critic was finishing her second Americano today, her editor informed her that her responsibilities at Gawker.com have expanded to include not just celebrity baby names, but analyses of baby-name data when necessary. Then the Baby Name Critic was sent this chart, from the Randian Costco of websites, Vox.com.
Just as the Baby Name Critic was finishing her morning Americano, she received word that an American disc jockey who performs as "Diplo" (aka Thomas Wesley Pentz) had spawned a child.
Well, it's almost nine months past Valentine's Day, so it's no wonder we're having a bit of a Basic Baby Boom. This leaves the Baby Name Critic with so many terrible names to put through her spin cycle and so little time to eat dry cereal while watching Dating Naked. And the Baby Name critic needs her leisure time, or else she gets very grumpy.
Accented lamb-man Ryan Gosling and his beautiful B-movie star lover Eva Mendes have christened their infant daughter Esmeralda Amada, which sounds uncannily like a lost ship in Christopher Columbus' fleet. "The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, and the Esmeralda Amada were the ships that carried Columbus here so he could rape the land, kill the Natives and clear the way for modern peoples to build Starbucks that serve alcohol," I vaguely remember my second-grade teacher saying.
Talentless human scabs Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have welcomed a child into this world. Mazel tov to them. I retained slight hope that they might name their baby something cool, like Leah Finnegan, but alas—reality serves to annihilate the possibility that celebrities might make good choices. And thus Ashton and Mila have named the baby girl Wyatt Isabelle.
