We recently received the following anonymous tip: “You guys need to write about John Kerry’s facelift. Seriously, no one has made one single mention about it. If he were a woman, it would be all over the news. The guy is a major creepy douchebag, I have a creepy story about him from 1995. But first, please out this douche and let everyone know that he got a face lift!!”

Rumors about the Secretary of State obtaining a facelift first appeared in 2013, and remain inconclusive, so there’s not much new to say about that. But this “creepy story” from twenty years ago was right up our alley. Below you’ll find this tipster’s account of what happened in 1995. We obviously can't confirm that any of it is true. But it’s just pedestrian enough to be believable.

From: [Redacted]
Date: Wed, Mar 11, 2015 at 7:16 PM
To: Gawker

I was at a very prestigious friend’s house in [WASP colony in New England] (I don't want to say who’s house but leaders/presidents of countries have stayed here), a bunch of us were there for a long summer weekend. We were all in our 20’s. one morning, my friend says that his dad’s buddy “John” flew in on his plane as a stopover on his way to Boston and he’s going to chill for a bit. “John” likes to do this and just randomly stop in when he’s on his way to Boston.

I’m in the kitchen eating breakfast when this guy John walks in like, “hey there, good morning. what’s YOUR name?” oogling me. I remember thinking, this guy looks sooo familiar but I couldn’t place him. He sits at the table with me with a BEER in his hand (keep in mind it’s like 11am and he has to FLY HIS PLANE to Boston that afternoon). He asks my name, introduces himself, and asks if I’m having a good time. It was really creepy, he was undressing me with his eyes. A girl knows when she’s being hit on. He starts telling me he’s just making a pit stop on his way to Boston from NYC and he’s gonna have a few brewskies before he heads out. He was really trying to hang with us, the cool young kids. He was being so fucking douchey. I was just like, “yup,” “cool.” At the time, I preferred guys my age so I didn’t give him anything. A few friends interrupted the convo and came in the kitchen. John got up, said hi to the guy who’s house it was, grabbed a lawn chair and went to chill on his phone in the yard with his beer. He drank some beers and a couple of hours later flew back to Boston.

I told my friend that guy looked really familiar and he was like, yeah, that’s Senator Kerry. I was like, Oh, he’s a fucking dirtbag. My friend just agreed and was like, Yup.

An old story. If you’re gonna publish this, can you change the location of [WASP colony in New England]?

And he totally got a face lift. He’s a fucking Heinz, he cares about superficial shit! Thanks.

Got any other good stories about famous politicians? Drop us a line.

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